“How can a person being engaged in any kind of relationship with someone, and appreciates and loves that person sincerely, but then at the same time, one is not being determined by the absence and presence of agreeable and disagreeable, desirable and undesirable, pleasant and unpleasant interactions and events that occur in any form of human relationship, regardless of whether it’s relationship with family, friends and lover or spouse?”
The passionate minds that are being conditioned by worldly egoistic thinking, belief, values and practice, would have great difficulty in understanding towards “One can love and appreciate some others in different type of relationship in life very much, but won’t be feeling “losing/missing someone or something that oneself loves and appreciates very much” upon the absence of that person and/or the relationship.”
The passionate minds think and believe that, all kinds of love, can only exist along with attachment and possessiveness/the sense of belonging, where the amount of love is being determined or measured by the degrees of attachment and possessiveness in any kind of relationship.
The minds that truly understand towards the truth of selflessness and impermanence in all and everything, would understand that there’s nothing or none belonged to anything or anyone.
One knows how to love all and everyone without attachment and possessiveness, where one doesn’t own any kind of existing relationship as well as the person(s) in the relationship with oneself.
Without attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person(s) in the relationship with oneself, it doesn’t mean that one doesn’t care about or doesn’t take the relationship and the person(s) in the relationship with oneself seriously.
One appreciates all the different kind of human relationships existing in the present moment now, as they are, not necessarily all desirable and agreeable, as well as loves the person(s) in the relationship with oneself unconditionally as it is, without the idea of “You are my family,” or “You are my friend,”, or “You are my lover/spouse,” or “You belonged to me,” or “You are mine,” or “This is my family/my friend/my lover/my spouse/my relationship.” And hence, one doesn’t loose anything and/or anyone, upon the absence of the relationship and/or the person(s) in the different type of relationship with oneself, upon impermanent changes that are not necessarily being the way that how everyone would like it to be. Upon the realization of selflessness, there’s no ‘I’ being there to be claiming, “I am losing something or someone,” or “I don’t want to loose something or someone that is upmost important to me,” as well as, there’s nothing or none to loose, as nothing/none belonged to anyone.
“Loving others unconditionally, as they are” doesn’t mean that one should be blindly agreeing with everything and saying “yes” to everything, or one wouldn’t be having any dislike or disagreement towards any kind of ignorant thinking and behavior, or shouldn’t be saying “no” to any kind of demands, or allowing oneself to be mistreated or abused by other people’s ignorant hurtful behavior repeatedly, encouraging and empowering such ignorance. However, one is not being determined by the likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, and pleasant or unpleasant affairs and events that occur in any kind of relationship. One can choose to move away from such ignorance, if necessarily, if possible, not to be encouraging and empowering such ignorance.
The passionate minds would react and feel disappointed and dissatisfied, upon one’s desires/demands/cravings are not being gratified, as well as would react and feel disappointed, confused and hurt, if someone in any kind of relationship with oneself telling oneself about, “There’s nothing to loose in any kind of relationship with anything and anyone,” or “You are free to love me, or not, and you are free to stay or leave as you wish,” or “I love you as you are, even if you don’t love me and/or are not in a relationship with me,” as they would interpret that as “You don’t love me. You don’t appreciate me or our relationship. I mean nothing to you. I am not important to you. Our relationship doesn’t mean anything to you,” not understanding that, that is unconditional non-possessive type of love.
The minds that feel disappointed and hurt by someone in any kind of relationship because one’s desires/demands/cravings are not being gratified by those in any form of relationship with oneself, would react in the way that would hurt oneself and those in certain type of relationship with oneself, out of disappointment, resentment, or rebelliousness. Such minds don’t even love themselves, not to say, they don’t really love those whom they think they love very much, as they would do things that would hurt anyone, including themselves, upon not getting what they like and want, and/or are getting what they don’t like and don’t want. They only love their desires of what they like and want.
The minds that know how to love themselves and others unconditionally won’t do anything that would hurt oneself and/or others deliberately, out of disappointment, resentment, or rebelliousness, upon the non-gratification of their desires or demands. Such as when the parents reject their children’s demands for something, the children might react and behave in the way that would hurt themselves and their parents deliberately, out of disappointment, resentment and rebelliousness. Or, one would react and behave in the way that hurt oneself and the partner/spouse intentionally, out of disappointment, resentment and rebelliousness, upon one’s demands towards the partner/spouse and the relationship are not being gratified.
Most minds don’t appreciate such unconditional non-possessive type of love, instead, they would rather be chasing after passionate possessive type of love, where there is intense attachment, identification, possessiveness, clinging and craving towards one another, to receive attention, love, care, support, comfort, encouragement, companionship, interaction, acknowledgement, agreement, appreciation, praise and compliment from one another, to boost the sense of self-esteem, goodness, happiness, accomplishment, positiveness and meaningfulness.
The minds that realized selflessness and impermanence transcend all these names and forms, not being determined by all these names and forms to be ‘I’, transcending the sense of self-esteem, goodness, happiness, accomplishment, positiveness and meaningfulness, where they don’t need to feel confident, good, happy, accomplished, positive or meaningful at all, not to say, to be building and boosting the sense of self-esteem, goodness, happiness, accomplishment, positiveness and meaningfulness out of all kinds of selfless impermanent names and forms, being determined and empowered by passionate egoistic attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, comparison, judgment and expectation.
Many minds would think and believe that, “Good friends, or friends, are those who regularly meet up with one another, visit each other, spend lots of time together and doing something together, or keeping in touch, talking to and sharing with each other all the time. Otherwise, they are not good friends, or they are not my friends at all.” These minds cannot understand that, “True friends are not necessarily have to be regularly meeting up with one another, visiting each other, spending lots of time together and doing something together, or keeping in touch, talking to and sharing with each other.” They cannot comprehend that, “friends” are those who will always be a friend even after many years not meeting up with one another, not visiting each other, not spending lots of time together and not doing something together, or not keeping in touch, not talking to and not sharing with each other, either with or without any reasons.
Most passionate egoistic minds have no such understanding, and they would feel disappointed, unhappy or lonely, if they think they don’t have any friends to interact, socialize, share and play with, then know that it’s due to the attachment and possessiveness towards ‘friends’ and ‘friendship’, as well as the craving towards the presence of friends with the interactions and activities, and the aversion towards the absence of friends and the interactions and activities, are not being gratified.
To truly understand this dispassionate unconditional non-possessive type of love, one must perform self-inquiry towards what are “selflessness in all and everything” and “attachment and possessiveness”, as well as what is “love without attachment and possessiveness” or “dispassionate unconditional love,” to attain direct realization towards all these terms.
“Love without attachment and possessiveness” is nothing to do with the passionate engagement in multiple intimate love affairs or relationships with many different people/lovers/partners on different timing or at the same time, while thinking and believing that that’s what unconditional love and care towards all and everyone is about.
Non-attachment and non-possessiveness is nothing to do with non-commitment, or non-seriousness, or non-appreciative, or irresponsibility towards any kind of human relationship. One can be seriously and genuinely engaging in as well as being responsible and appreciative towards all kind of human relationship, as well as being contented with having one single committed intimate love affair or relationship with someone, but without any attachment or the sense of possessiveness, respecting all kind of impermanent changes as they are.
However, unconditional love that is void of attachment and possessiveness is highly being misused by the passionate minds, including some yoga practitioners or yoga teachers, as the ‘spiritual’ excuse to justify one’s irresponsibility towards one’s existing relationship with family, friends or lover/spouse/partner, or to justify one’s greedy discontented lustful desire to be enjoying or engaging in “many different intimate love affair/relationship with different people at different timing,” or “multiple committed/uncommitted intimate love affairs/relationships with different lovers/partners at the same time,” or “any kind of sexual misconduct,” using the excuse of ‘love sharing’ or ‘spiritual healing’ to be engaging in intimate love/sexual affair/relationship with the disturbed minds that are longing to be comforted, loved or healed by some others, while thinking and believing and propagating that, “unconditional love without attachment and possessiveness” means “I have so much love and care (lust) that needed to share with as many people as possible, without being limited by any commitment or responsibility,” as well as, using the excuse of “unconditional love without attachment and commitment” to be expecting one’s lover/spouse shouldn’t be disturbed or hurt by one’s greedy lustful desire that needed to be shared with many other different lovers/partners, thinking and believing that it’s what unconditional love is about, but not really. That’s their freedom of thinking and behavior, however, it’s completely nothing to do with yoga.
One can be loving one’s lover/spouse unconditionally, but it doesn’t mean that one should be encouraging or empowering such ignorant thinking and behavior of the lover/spouse that is over-powered by greedy lustful desires, where one can let go such “relationship” without any disappointment or resentment, loving the lover/spouse as he/she is, being ignorant and behaving ignorantly, thinking and believing that he/she loves his/her lover/partner/spouse very much, but he/she would do things that hurt those whom they think they love very much out of greed, discontentment and lustful desires, or out of disappointment, dissatisfaction, resentment or rebelliousness, due to ungratified desires. One doesn’t need to stay in such relationship, but more importantly, one is not being determined or bothered by such ignorance and ignorant behavior of the lover/partner/spouse that is being ignorant towards his/her own ignorance and ignorant behavior. It’s only due to the presence of attachment and possessiveness as well as the desire of craving and aversion, most people can’t let go and would feel disappointed, hurt and disturbed for being in any relationship with anyone that is under the influence of ignorance with the presence of ignorant behavior, but then oneself also reacting and behaving in the way that would be hurting oneself and those in the relationship with oneself, intentionally, out of resentment and rebelliousness.
“You hurt me, I’ll hurt you back” is not love at all.
Some people might not be doing anything hurtful directly to the lover/partner/spouse, refuse to communicate and have better understanding among one another, but then would go behind their back saying and doing many things that would hurt them. That is more evil and hurtful than those who express their disagreement directly to their lover/partner/spouse to communicate about any issues or misunderstanding. However, it seems to be part of certain cultural practice to not express any disagreement directly with the person involved, but to go behind people’s back to complain, bitching and hurt the person, to seek support and agreement from other people towards one’s disagreement towards the lover/partner/spouse, to relieve one’s dissatisfaction and unhappiness. By complaining and bitching about one’s lover/partner/spouse whom oneself dislikes and hates so much, with or without the intention of getting other people’s support and agreement towards oneself, so that other people will also dislike and hating one’s lover/partner/spouse for something that oneself dislikes and disagrees with, while thinking that oneself is a ‘victim’ of the bad behavior of one’s lover/partner/spouse, it only shows that oneself doesn’t love the lover/partner/spouse at all.
Yoga practitioners need to stay away from such ignorant thinking, belief, values and practice, while not encouraging or empowering such ignorance.
Many yoga teachers might think and believe that they are doing the right thing or the compassionate action to be ‘helping’ and ‘comforting’ other people’s unhappy mind by being a sympathetic/empathetic listener and supporter to other people who need to be complaining about what they think and believe is their relationship problem and unhappiness, not being aware of that is actually empowering the ignorance in such minds. These minds themselves don’t really love themselves, not to say, they don’t love their lover/partner/spouse at all, but they only love their selfish desire and expectation towards their lover/partner/spouse and their love relationship to be in certain way, and out of one’s dissatisfaction and disappointment, when they don’t get what they like and want, and are getting what they don’t like and don’t want, upon the lover/partner/spouse and the relationship is not being the way that they expect and desire it to be, they felt ‘disappointed’, ‘unhappy’ and ‘hurt’, and need to be complaining to other people about all kinds of bad and terrible things about their lover/partner/spouse, while thinking and believing that they love their lover/partner/spouse very much, but they are being ‘disappointed’, ‘disturbed’ and ‘hurt’ by their lover/partner/spouse who is bad and terrible, “Oh, I love him/her so much, but he/she is so bad and terrible. I am a victim of his/her bad and terrible behavior, but I can’t, and I don’t want to let go this relationship because I love him/her so much. I feel so hurt and unhappy because of this bad relationship, and I need sympathy, empathy, comfort and support from other people, acknowledging that my hurt and my unhappiness is due to my lover/partner/spouse is so bad and terrible.”
The minds that understand, if one truly loves someone, there’s no hurt or disappointment arising in oneself regardless of all kinds of undesirable and disagreeable interactions and happenings in the relationship, and there won’t be such ‘need’ to be complaining to other people, to be seeking sympathy, empathy, comfort and support from some others to justify about “I am loving, good and right, while he/she is unloving, bad and wrong.” One can choose to remain in the relationship that is not all desirable and agreeable, or let go any relationship that involved ignorant and hurtful behavior that keep hurting oneself and those in any kind of relationship with oneself out of ignorance, without disappointment or resentment.
If yoga teachers truly want to help the disturbed suffering minds that are under the influence of ignorance to be free from all kinds of disappointment, disturb, hurt and unhappiness due to ignorance, it’s not by comforting and supporting their ignorant thinking or incorrect understanding, to be encouraging and empowering their ignorance, but it’s guiding and allowing them to see the ignorance in themselves that give rise to such disappointment, disturb, hurt and unhappiness. Even though it’s an unpleasant process, and most minds don’t like such confrontation to be seeing and acknowledging the ignorance in themselves as well as all kinds of incorrect thinking and understanding that hurt themselves and those whom they think they love very much, but that’s liberation for oneself and those in any kind of relationship with oneself.
Sincere yoga practitioners who really want to practice yoga and realize yoga, need to have the basic wisdom to inquire towards the truth of everything, and not being conditioned by any kind of passionate egoistic thinking, belief, values and practice in the world of ignorance and egoism, as well as not being ‘deluded’ by any kind of impure understanding and intention that exist in the world of yoga.