How to stop/not feeling hurt in love relationship?

Many people experience hurtful feeling or ‘heartbroken’ derived from love relationship that is not the way that they like/expect it to be, or it didn’t have a happy ever after ending. In the beginning it was all good and happy, but after some time, something changed, it’s not the same as before, and it turns sour and bitter, and then completely broken. It’s quite painful/hurtful/sorrowful.

Some people would like to know how yoga can help them to be ‘healed’ from hurts, or how to be free from getting hurt in love relationship, or how to stop/not feeling hurt in love relationship?

The yogic way to be free from all suffering is through understanding/knowing the truth of suffering. It’s not about ‘healing’ as many would think what it is. All suffering derived from ignorance and egoism. Once ignorance and egoism is annihilated, there’s nothing or none needs to be ‘healed’.

Some people had tried to let go after they learned about the teachings of yoga about letting go, but they found that it’s very difficult or impossible to let go. This is because they don’t have the correct understanding of what is going on in the mind. Upon understanding what is going on in the mind (all the impermanent selfless modification and changes in the mind and the real cause of pain/hurt/sorrow/bitterness), all the pain/hurt/sorrow/bitterness ceased existing, there’s needless to let go anything.

It’s not an obligation or compulsory duty as a human being to must possess one or many love relationship/friendship to live life ‘happily’ or ‘normally’.

One doesn’t need to possess one or many love relationship/friendship to live life happily as one is, if the mind is free from being conditioned by worldly/cultural thinking and belief. It’s merely part of the worldly/cultural thinking and belief that many people think and believe that everyone must possess one or many love relationship/friendship to live life happily and meaningfully. Most people’s values of life, self-worth, success, confidence, happiness and the senses of meaningfulness are very much being determined by having one or many (good) love relationship/friendship, which is unnecessary at all if one’s mind is free from ignorance and egoism. If people don’t have any love relationship/friendship or they have bad/unhappy/broken love relationship/friendship, they would think and feel bad, unworthy, low confident, failing, depressed, or meaningless about themselves and their life. This is truly unnecessary. One can be friendly to all beings without the need of possessing one or many (good) ‘committed love relationship’ or ‘friendship’, and still be happy as one is.

If we really want to be in a love relationship, we must first learn how to respect everyone and love everyone as they are.

When we feel unhappy/dissatisfied/disappointed/angry/hurt in a love relationship, ask ourselves this, “Do we love them as they are? Are we being possessive towards the people in a relationship with us and have expectation towards everyone about how they should behave or feel?”

Even if we dislike and disagree with this, everyone has the freedom to behave or feel the way that they (want to) behave and feel, even if they are being in a ‘committed’ relationship with somebody. No one is obliged to respect ‘commitment in a relationship’. True relationship where two parties truly love each other and want to stay together out of their own freewill, doesn’t have ‘commitment’ to be respected. Even after being in a relationship, people have the freedom of how they feel and what they want, whether they want to love someone, or stop loving someone, or don’t want to love someone, or they changed from being loving/caring to unloving/uncaring, or they want to stay in a relationship or end a relationship, or they merely want to be single again even though they still love the person in the relationship with them, or they want to be with someone else, or they couldn’t help themselves being selfish/abusive, or they are suffering from depression/emotional problem/behavior problem/greed/dissatisfaction/lustful desire, and etc.

Meanwhile, we also have the freedom and rights for how we want to feel (whether okay or not okay) and what we want to do with the relationship, to decide whether to let go or continue the ‘broken’ relationship depending on what is best for everyone, especially when it includes children. There’s neither right nor wrong, neither good nor bad in any decision made. If we truly know what we want and don’t want, and what is best for everyone, there’s no difficulty in making decision and there’s no guilt or regret in any decision made. Such like, ending a ‘violent/abusive’ relationship is better for oneself and the children, without hurtful/revengeful/fearful feelings due to compassion and understanding in oneself, being compassionate towards the person in the relationship with us is suffering from mental/emotional/behavior problem.

Find out the truth of our feelings of love towards the person in the relationship with us.

Do we really love the person in the relationship with us, or we only love what we like and want from being in the relationship with someone? When ‘we’ feel angry/disappointed/betrayed/unhappy/hurt in a ‘broken’ relationship, it’s really nothing to do with how the people in a relationship with us behave in the relationship, whether they didn’t treat us nicely or they treat us badly, or how they want to feel, whether they feel love or don’t feel love for us, or what is their decision/desire, whether to continue staying in or ending the relationship with us. When we feel angry/disappointed/betrayed/unhappy/hurt, it’s because ‘I don’t like/want/agree with this’ – Things are not being the way that we want it to be, or the relationship is not going to the direction that we want it to be.

If we truly know what is love, self love, unconditional love and what is relationship, then how we feel won’t be determined by how other people behave or feel towards us and whether the relationship is perfect or imperfect. We would love and accept them as they are, even if they don’t love us, or don’t want to love us, or don’t want to be in a relationship with us, or want to love someone else, or want to be in a relationship with someone else. We don’t and shouldn’t agree with or support or encourage any ‘hurtful/wrongful/abusive’ treatment or behavior from anyone, but at the same time, we don’t have to be influenced or determined by other people’s ‘hurtful/wrongful/abusive’ treatment and behavior. We won’t do or say things that would hurt them or those whom they love. We also won’t hurt ourselves in order to hurt them or make them feel bad/guilty/disturbed. We would wish everyone (whom we love or don’t love) peace and happiness whether they love us/be nice to us, or not.

Understand/Inquire the root cause of hurtful feeling in love relationship.

All hurtful feelings derived from ungratified desire of craving and aversion in our own mind (not getting what we like and want and getting what we don’t like and don’t want, and losing what we like and want), it’s not caused by bad relationship/bad life experience of bad people/partner/spouse/lover and their wrong doings or bad behavior. It’s how the mind reacts towards what it experiences or perceives that it doesn’t like, doesn’t want and doesn’t agree with. It’s the responsibility of the mind itself whether to be disturbed or be undisturbed by all the unpleasant/challenging experiences.

If we truly love the person in the love relationship with us, we won’t feel hurt even if they don’t love us, or stop loving us, or love someone else.

Most minds/human beings are not perfect, full of ignorance, selfishness and impurities.

We would understand that due to ignorance and egoism, people would behave selfishly and irrationally, and be unloving towards the people in a relationship with them, regardless whether they think they love or don’t love the person in the relationship with them. People would do and say things that would cause physical/mental/emotional pain, even when they think they love the person in the relationship with them, not to say especially when they don’t really love the person in the relationship with them. We are hurting ourselves if we expect everyone to be perfectly ‘good’ and ‘loving’ the way that we think it should be, the way that we want them to be.

Respecting the law of impermanence.

The nature of minds/feelings/relationship/togetherness is impermanence, forever changing.

Everyone has the freedom and rights to love or not to love someone, or stop loving someone whom they used to love. Feelings will change. What we want in life will change. Life will change. Condition and situation will change. There’s nothing wrong with feelings changing from time to time. Most minds/human beings are not free from ignorance and egoism and are identifying strongly/passionately with fleeting feelings as ‘who they are’, their relationship with everyone and life existence are very much being influenced and determined by those fleeting feelings.

We would let go this relationship and the person in the relationship with us, in peace, if this relationship doesn’t work, even when two people still love each other, but couldn’t continue the relationship for some good reasons, not to say when one person in the relationship doesn’t feel love for the other person and doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or prefer to love someone else and be with someone else.

We will wish the person in the relationship with us and the people whom they love/cherish peace and happiness. Ourselves would also have peace and happiness being free from anger, hatred, jealousy, regret, guilt, disappointment, dissatisfaction, or hurts.

There is nothing wrong and it’s okay and we have the freedom and rights to feel angry, disappointed and hurt, but we don’t have to, if we understand.

If we feel angry, disappointed and hurt in a broken love relationship (when the relationship turns into something that we don’t like and don’t want, or the person in the relationship with us doesn’t behave or feel the way that we expect/would like them to behave or feel,) it’s because we think we love the person in the relationship with us, but we don’t really love them. We don’t even love ourselves. We only love what we like and want of what we experience/get from being in the love relationship the way that we like and want it to be.

We are the one who is selfish, as we have expectation towards how the relationship should be like and how the person in the relationship with us should feel or behave, or how they should treat us in the way that we like and want. And when we don’t get what we like and want, and are getting what we don’t like and don’t want, or we are losing what we like and want towards the relationship and the love from the person in the relationship with us, we (the egoistic mind) feel betrayed, ill-treated, angry, jealous, dissatisfied, disappointed and hurt.

Who is feeling hurt?

It’s the ego, or the identification of ‘I’ who feels hurt by the perception of hurtful/wrongful/undeserving experiences under the influence of ignorance and egoism.

If the mind is free from ignorance (knowing the truth of suffering) and egoism (free from the idea of ‘I’, attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, judgment, comparison and expectation), this mind won’t perceive hurtful/wrongful/undeserving experiences and react with hurtful feelings. This mind won’t be/feel hurt by anything, even if the perceptions of names and forms or life experiences are very unpleasant and challenging, when everything is not the way that we would like it to be.

Realize selflessness, the truth of ‘I’ and ‘I am hurt by something hurtful’.

‘I’ and ‘I am hurt by something hurtful’ doesn’t exist upon the realization of the truth. There’s no ‘I’ existing. There’s no one existing to be hurt, or experiencing hurt, or feeling hurt. There’s no one needs to be healed from hurt. All experiences are just what they are, neither hurtful nor not hurtful, upon the annihilation of ignorance and egoism. If anyone still feels hurt by something being perceived as ‘hurtful’, and believes that ‘I’ need to be healed from hurt, it’s due to ignorance and egoism.

Realize non-separateness or oneness of unconditional love.

One doesn’t need to rely/depend on receiving love/relationship/friendship/companionship/acknowledgement from anyone (not even ‘God’) to feel loved/confident/complete/satisfied/meaningful, if one realized non-separateness/oneness of unconditional love, without discrimination of self and not-self/others, conditions, possessiveness, attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, judgment, comparison, or expectation. There’s no unhappiness, anger, hatred, jealousy, disappointment, dissatisfaction, or hurt. It doesn’t matter we have or don’t have any love relationship, and whether the love relationship turns out well or not well. One is still happy and peaceful as one is.

If we don’t know what is love or how to love, we will only end up unwittingly and ceaselessly hurting ourselves and those whom we think we love very much, especially those in a relationship with us. It’s because we don’t love ourselves and we don’t love those whom we think we love. We don’t love anyone, not even ‘God’, we only love the desires of what we like and want.

Be free.

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Expectation

Though it’s just a simple word, ‘expectation’ is one of the greatest influence in the human minds towards almost all and everything in the impermanent and selfless life existence. It gives motivation, hope and the sense of achievement and meaningfulness to many people.

Expectation from oneself towards oneself, towards the physical and mental ability or achievement, one’s effort and the outcome of one’s effort, and all kinds of relationship/connection with different beings and things.

Expectation from oneself towards other people, the society, the environment, or the world, to be the way that how one would like it to be, that one thinks and believes how it should be, and not to be the way that one thinks it shouldn’t be.

One might also being bound/determined by expectation from other people/the society towards oneself and unwittingly want to meet up with the expectation from other people/the society towards oneself, in order to earn liking, love, attention, respect, praise, compliment, agreement, acknowledgement, support, friendship, companionship, and etc, from other people/the society.

To many people, ‘expectation’ is a positive necessity or important motivation for making progress/improvement or to excel in the life of human beings. People think and believe that human beings need to have certain degrees of expectation from oneself and/or others to push oneself and/or other people around to progress, improve or excel in everything of life, throughout the different life stages of childhood, adulthood, parenthood, middle age, old age, education, learning, building social network, friendships, relationships, career, family, or contribution towards the society, the world, or life existence, and so on.

To those who see the truth of the mind perception of a worldly life existence that is impermanent and selfless, ‘expectation’ is unnecessary when the mind is free from ignorance and egoism, as ‘expectation’ is merely part of the egoism of attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, judgment and comparison that relates to restlessness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, unhappiness, frustration, anger, hurt, greed, fear and worry, which leads to the accumulation of physical and mental tension that gives rise to tension/stress related physical and mental illness, abusive behavior towards oneself and others, family and relationships problems, social problems, and etc.

Those who have some basic correct understanding towards life existence that is impermanent and selfless, who know the ability and limitation of their body and mind, who are endowed with dispassion, non-attachment, non-identification, non-craving/aversion, non-judgment, non-comparison and intentionlessness, being unattached towards the actions and the fruit of actions, they don’t need any ‘expectation’ from oneself and/or others to motivate or push them to perform necessary and wholesome actions, to do good or improve.

They don’t have expectation towards other people, life, the society, or the world, ‘hoping’ or ‘expecting’ that everyone and everything to be in certain ways, but they just do their best according to the ability and limitation of the body and mind, make use of the available knowledge, skill and opportunity to perform necessary and wholesome actions through the body and mind for the well-being of oneself and/or others, but they allow the result of their actions or efforts to be there as it is, being undetermined by their actions/efforts or the fruit of their actions/efforts.

In the worldly egoistic thinking and behavior pattern, there is intention to inspire or motivate one to perform actions, then expectation towards the fruit of actions comes along. If the mind can realize the truth and be free from this worldly egoistic thinking and behavior pattern, that’s a great liberation, even though the life existence of the body and mind is still bound by the law of nature – Cause and effect, impermanence and selflessness. If the mind doesn’t realize this and is determined by this worldly egoistic thinking and behavior pattern, then one is not free, even though one can attain all the relationships and things that one would like to have in life, as one will always be disturbed/dissatisfied/disappointed by something that is not the way that how one thinks it should be, that one doesn’t like, doesn’t want and doesn’t agree with.

Ask ourselves honestly about what is the motivation/intention that makes us think and feel that we need to have ‘something’ or ‘someone’. And once we have that ‘something’ or ‘someone’, naturally we have expectation towards that ‘something’ or ‘someone’ to ‘deliver’ what we expect to be ‘getting’, to ‘fulfill’ or ‘gratify’ the motivation/intention/reason/desire of why we need or want to have that ‘something’ or ‘someone’. What are we so afraid of if we don’t have that ‘something’ or ‘someone’ being there existing in our life, or if we lose that ‘something’ or ‘someone’?

“Do good, because it makes you feel good and happy.”
“Give, and you will receive more in return.”
“Do good, and goodness will return to you.”
“Be nice to other people, other people will be nice to you too.”
“I did this for you/I gave you this/I helped you, you should be grateful and thankful.”
“I help you, you help me too.”
“Be generous and help other people, and people will return your generosity and help.”
“Pray to God, and God will bless you with what you desire.”

Why not just be kind, be friendly, be generous, be helpful and be supportive, or just pray to God, without any intention/motivation/expectation?

Those who know, they will be kind/friendly/helpful/supportive towards all and everything according to one’s ability, without discrimination of ‘friends’ or ‘not friends’, and there’s no motivation/intention/expectation to be receiving something desirable/help/support/kindness/goodness/friendliness/friendships in return for being kind/friendly/helpful/supportive.

Those who don’t know, there is fear. Fear of not getting what they want and fear of losing what they want or getting what they don’t want. Fear of the unknown, nothingness, hardship, difficulty, boredom, loneliness, meaninglessness, helplessness, unloved, left-out, companionless, non-acknowledgement, and so on. There’s is this idea or thinking – “I deserve this and that in return for my efforts/kindness/helpfulness/friendliness/generosity/contribution.”

“I want to be good enough for myself and other people. I want to be able to accept myself being the way that I want myself to be, and I want other people to accept me being the way that they want me to be.” But why do we think that we need to be good enough/be in certain ways in order to be accepted by ourselves, or other people, or the society, or the world? We don’t have to.

Those who know the truth, who realized unconditional love and peace, being free from ignorance, egoism and impurities, or being free from attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, longing, judgment, comparison, expectation, boredom, loneliness, meaninglessness, depression, dissatisfaction, disappointment, unhappiness or suffering, they don’t need to do something, or be someone, or have something, to make them feel good, happy, confident, meaningful, thankful or grateful. All their actions are pure actions being performed out of compassion and selflessness.

Be free.

Passionate mind and dispassionate mind

There’s nothing wrong with passionate mind or dispassionate mind. They just have different prospect and interest towards life existence, and how they live and act in the world.

Both minds can also be endowed with kindness and generosity and good will, to be good, to do good and to hope for the best for the world. Though the meanings of what is best for the world and the way of achieving what is best for the world can be very different for the passionate minds and the dispassionate minds.

In terms of Satsanga as one of the important elements for the yoga practitioners to progress in the path of yoga, especially those who haven’t develop a strong foundation of non-attachment and they are easily be affected or influenced by other people’s thinking, belief and behavior, and they attached onto their actions that are being performed out of good intention and they are affected or determined by the outcome of their actions very much, then they need the company of the dispassionate (less conflicts), and avoid the company of the passionate (more conflicts). Satsanga doesn’t matter for those who had developed strong non-attachment, who are not affected or influenced by other people’s thinking, belief and behavior, who don’t attach onto their action and are not affected or determined by the outcome of the action, there’s no difference between the company of the passionate or the dispassionate for them, but for the sake of conserving energy to not wasting energy into unnecessary issues created by the passionate minds, the yoga practitioners should also avoid the company of the passionate.

Those who are passionate are not bad people. They can be very good people who believe in goodness and righteousness and maintaining the order of the society or the environment. They can be doing many good actions in the world that they think are the best for the world. Just that the passion or intense love towards what they love, what they believe in, or what they think how the world should be like and how people should think and behave (act and react), could generate unnecessary disturbance or disharmony in themselves, and create disturbance and disharmony for others.

Passionate mind will feel hurt, frustrated, irritated, disappointed, distressed, depressed and angry, when things are not the way that it thinks they should be, or the way that it wants them to be, and under the influence of impurities, it will generate hurtful or violent action and speech to project the disturbed state of mind. There’s attachment towards the action being performed, and there’s expectation towards the fruit of action has to be the way that it thinks it should be. This is a mind that changes according to whether the experiences are something that it likes and wants, or something that it doesn’t like and doesn’t want. This mind projects kind qualities when it is happy and satisfied, when things are the way that it likes them to be, but it projects unkind qualities when it is upset and dissatisfied when things are not the way that it likes them to be. At one moment, it can be very kind and friendly, and in another moment, it can be very unkind and hostile.

Dispassionate mind won’t feel hurt, frustrated, irritated, disappointed, distressed, depressed or angry, when things are not the way that it thinks they should be, or the way that it would prefer them to be, and won’t generate hurtful or violent action and speech as the mind is free from disturb, ill-thinking or ill-will. This mind projects kind qualities disregard whether things are the way that it likes them to be, or not. Even when things are not the way that it would like them to be, this mind is still kind and compassionate. It doesn’t have ill-thinking or ill-will to hurt those who are different from them, who dislike or disagree with them, and who against them or hurt them.

There might be necessary action being performed, to bring awareness to others who are under the influence of ignorance, but there’s no attachment or expectation towards the action and the fruit of action. If others are getting offended and upset for being ‘lectured’ by other people and they continue to be ignorant, let them be. None can change another being, or remove the ignorance in others. None can change the world to be the way that one thinks it should be.

Yoga teachings doesn’t discriminate good or bad people. But it points out the distinction between passionate minds and dispassionate minds on the path of yoga towards peace and harmony in the society or in the world. Even good people who have good intention to perform good action might be under the influence of passion. These minds are not free. Yoga practice is to free the mind from passion, to be dispassionate, while living in the world, do one best performing necessary actions for the sake of peace and harmony in oneself and in the world, and let it go.

Be free.

Taming the urge to express the thought activities through speech and action

Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodha – Yoga is the restraint/annihilation of the modification of the mind – The entire worldly idea of ‘I’ and life existence cease existing. The perception of separateness and duality of good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative, happiness and unhappiness, enjoyment and suffering, birth and death, and so on, vanished.

This is an important practice in yoga to silent the mind by stop feeding the thought current or thought activities by restraining the mind from projecting or expressing the thinking via speech and action. It’s the practice of awareness, non-attachment and letting go that eventually leads to complete silence or the annihilation of the entire worldly idea of ‘I’ and life existence. People who are passionate towards worldly idea of life existence, who aspire to build a positive world that is free from what they think is negative, would interpret this practice as oppression or suppression or degradation of the mind or human life existence or humanity, which the worldly minded think it’s something inhuman, abnormal, unhealthy, non-progressive and wrong. Those who are not interested in yoga and meditation practice, who are passionate about worldly idea of life existence, they don’t need to perform this practice. Those who think they are free from suffering or they don’t mind suffering, or who had transcended suffering, also don’t need to perform this practice.

Even the teachings and practice of yoga can be something ‘good’ and ‘amazing’ for some people, but it can also be something ‘not good’ and ‘wrong’ for many other people. It’s up to everyone on how the mind perceives and reacts towards everything, and whether the mind needs the teachings and practice of yoga to realize unconditional peace.

The practice of silencing the mind is greatly contradicted with the existing worldly ideas and values that emphasize on empowering self-identification, self-worth, self-development, personal and global achievement, and social community development, where people think human beings should progress forward by constant stimulating their minds and projecting their thoughts freely through expressing their ideas and feelings via speech and action, especially if it’s something ‘good’, ‘right’ and ‘positive’ according to the thinking and belief consists of certain worldly ideas and values, cultural and religious belief and practice that people think it would benefit all humanity.

What most worldly minds don’t realize is that silencing the mind is the greatest form of serving humanity. There’s less a being under the influence of ignorance to generate ignorant actions into the world. All the higher technologies and engineering derived from high creativity and intelligence, doesn’t remove the ignorance, egoism and impurities in people’s mind and it doesn’t make the world to be free from what the impure minds recognize as ‘bad’, ‘negative’, ‘unhappiness’, ‘wrong’, ‘suffering’, and all sorts of ‘fear’ and ‘violence’. People can enjoy the higher technology to live longer or younger or healthier or to enjoy higher standard of living and lifestyle, but it doesn’t guarantee that the mind will be free from suffering, if the mind is not free from ignorance, egoism and impurities. As the highest technology also can’t alter the truth of impermanence. People will still hurt each other out of fear, in order to survive or to protect themselves and their loved ones and what they think is ‘good’, if the mind is not free from ignorance.

Many people who are interested in doing some form of yoga exercises regularly are either ignorant towards this teaching and practice, as the yoga teachers don’t teach this teaching in the yoga exercise classes, or, people know, but they don’t like and disagree with this teaching and practice. Whether people know or don’t know, like or dislike, agree or disagree, this is what yoga is about – Annihilation of mind activities.

The worldly idea of life existence appears when the mind moves, where there is habitual attachment and reaction towards the mind perception of names and forms through the senses. The worldly idea of life existence disappears when the mind is stilled, where there is pure awareness of mind perceptions without attachment, identification, desires of craving and aversion, judgement, intention or expectation.

A lot of time, the thinking and judgment from the impure mind is only partially true, or may not be true at all. The mind reaction of likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, is also the by-product of ignorance, being influenced by egoism and impurities.

There’s nothing wrong when the mind thinks and believes that it has some ‘good’, ‘right’ and ‘positive’ qualities, ideas and values that are worth to be shared with the world, and there is strong urge to project what it thinks and believes as ‘good’, ‘right’ and ‘positive’ through speech and action, thinking that this would bring positive goodness to the society or the world, so that other people will also be inspired or be endowed with the same qualities, ideas and values. There’s good and generous intention or aspiration to share something great with the world to inspire others.

Everyone has the freedom to express their thinking through speech and action, there’s nothing wrong and it really doesn’t matter to those who are free from the influence of ignorance and egoism because they will not be affected or disturbed by other people’s thinking, ideas or feelings being projected through their speech and action. But in reality, there are many minds functioning under the influence of ignorance and egoism, that are not free from being disturbed by ungratified desires, likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, who will be disturbed or intimidated or offended or hurt by other people of their thinking, ideas and feelings. Again, there’s nothing wrong with people expressing their thinking freely, as well as it’s people’s freedom and responsibility for how people react towards other people’s thinking, ideas and feelings. Just that impure minds can get very confused when being disturbed or intimidated, and might unwittingly or spontaneously hurt themselves or others out of the disturbed and confused state of the mind.

For example, there are women who don’t have or don’t want to have children would express their ideas or feelings about how ‘good’ and ‘blessed’ for them to have the joy of not having children. While the women who have or want to have children would express their ideas or feelings about how ‘good’ and ‘blessed’ for them to have the joy of having children. And sometimes, they might mock each other for justifying their respective ideology is somehow more superior or better than the other.

There’s nothing wrong with both different ideas or feelings towards the joy of having or not having children. It’s all good that some women find joy in not having children, while some women find joy in having children, as long as there’s no attachment or identification towards this idea or value to be who they are. Then it doesn’t matter whether they have or don’t have children, they are fine, being undetermined by any ideology to feel worthy, happy, confident, or meaningful, or not.

There are women who think and believe that having children is something ‘good’ and ‘blessed’, and they would love to have children, but for some reasons they couldn’t have any children, or they have children, but it’s not the way that they like it to be, and their minds are being in a state of suffering due to ungratified desires. Under the imbalanced state of the mind, they would feel greatly disturbed when women who have children keep boasting about their joy of having children, thinking that it’s something good and positive to inspire and encourage other women to also have the joy of having children, but it’s actually generating great disturbance for the women who would love to have children but they couldn’t. And then, there are some women who have children, but for some reasons, they feel regret about having children, and their minds are being in a state of dissatisfaction, frustration and regret, they might feel more disturbed for having children that they don’t really want, when the women who don’t have children keep boasting about their joy of not having children.

It’s not the fault of the people who boast or share about their thinking, values and feelings, when other people attach onto whatever they perceive and react towards what they perceive, taking other people’s expression of thinking and point of view seriously and personally, and feel disturbed or intimidated or hurt. Though there are many minds that are easily be affected, disturbed and intimidated by other people’s freedom of expression. For the mind that is free, it won’t be affected or disturbed or intimidated by other people’s freedom of expression. This mind doesn’t need to stay away from something that the worldly minded perceive as ‘bad’, ‘negative’, ‘unhappiness’, ‘depressing’, or ‘meaninglessness’.

When the mind starts to develop awareness, correct understanding and compassion, it’s okay for the mind to have particular thinking and belief towards particular ideas or values, but it doesn’t need to project/express these ideas or values to inspire other people to also take up these values and ideas, even though the mind strongly believes that they are something ‘good’, ‘right’ and ‘positive’. Allowing everyone to have their own version of ideas and values, and it’s needless to boast about anything trying to inspire other people to be the same as ‘I’, to achieve what ‘I’ achieve, to live life as ‘I’ live. “I am happy. You should be like me, and you will be happy too.” But what is ‘good’ for ‘I’ might be something ‘painful’ for other people.

When teaching a yoga asana class, the yoga teacher can’t tell the students, “I can do this, so can you.” or “Nothing is impossible. You can do and achieve anything that you want.” to inspire or encourage the students to be able to do what the yoga teacher can do, because it’s not true. Not everyone has the similar physical structure, condition, ability and limitation to be able to perform the same action. People who take the teacher’s words seriously and force themselves beyond their limitation but still couldn’t achieve what they want to achieve, they might hurt themselves out of great expectation and disappointment. It’s okay that there are things that are impossible to reach or achieve due to certain circumstances. And it’s okay if people can’t perform certain actions due to certain limitation even after many years of practice and attempts. People don’t have to be able to do everything that the yoga teacher or other people can do, to have peace, or be compassionate, or to forgive someone or something that is hurtful. But the ability to go beyond all the ability and disability of the body and the mind, accepting the reality as it is, while performing actions without attachment or identification towards the actions and the fruit of actions, and allowing impermanent changes to be there as they are, that will allow the mind to be peaceful, compassionate and forgiving. And it’s okay if many people couldn’t realize this after many years of practice, and still be disturbed and determined by all the names and forms.

By accepting the reality in this present moment now, that the mind is not free, and it’s okay, and it’s impermanent and it’s not ‘I’, and without judgment or disappointment, keep practicing, without attachment or expectation towards the practice and the fruit of practice, and that is already what yoga is about.

For example, high performance and continuous achievement in any field is being perceived as something ‘good’ and ‘positive’ in the world. There’s nothing wrong with the idea of high performance and continuous achievement individually and globally, and many people can keep up with that idea with not much difficulty, but there are people couldn’t meet up with the expectation of high performance and continuous achievement, and they keep forcing the capability of the body and mind beyond its limitation to attain higher and higher performance and achievement until the function of the body and mind eventually breakdown, harming the entire body systems and suffered from restlessness, depression or insanity.

People can just do their best within their own capability, without trying to achieve what the world think is ‘good’ and ‘positive’, without pushing or forcing the body and mind beyond its limitation to compete with themselves or others to attain the sense of self-worth, achievement, confidence or meaningfulness, and without losing the clarity and sanity of the mind.

For the untrained mind, there are thought activities or thinking in the mind reacting towards the perception of names and forms, whether there is likes or dislikes and agreements or disagreements towards the perceived names and forms in the form of thinking, and naturally, there’s an urge to project/materialize this thinking through the speech and action, either intentionally or unintentionally. There’s an urge to express, to comment, to justify, to fight back, to argue, to attack, to revenge, to intimidate, to oppose, to criticize, to condemn, to aspire, to inspire, to admire, to love, to appreciate, to praise, to possess, or to control, and so on.

For the mind that has developed strong foundation in non-attachment and letting go, there is awareness towards the thought activities of the mind perception of names and forms of sight, sound, smell, taste, sensation and thinking/imagination/feeling, even though there might be likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements in the form of thinking due to the intellectual thought processing and recognizing the perceived names and forms, but it’s not necessarily that the thinking has to be projected/expressed/materialized through speech and action. In the end, all likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements in the form of thinking also will drop off. There are necessary actions being performed, without intention, attachment, identification, desires, judgment or expectation. Allowing the fruit of actions to be there as it is, allowing all the names and forms to be there as they are, and allowing them to change as they are.

There might be many intellectuals in the world would disagree with this or are against towards Silence of the mind. And that is their freedom of thinking and reaction.

This is what yoga practice is about – Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodha

And it’s nothing to do with the physical condition, ability and limitation to do the yoga poses. It’s nothing to do with the knowledge of anatomy and physiology, or the precise physical alignment and different techniques on performing the yoga poses, or how one looks and feels in the yoga poses, or what are the names and benefits of the yoga poses, or the different types of qualifications and certifications sanctioned by such and such internationally recognized yoga alliance or association.

The mind that is free from impurities, ignorance and egoism, and is peaceful as it is being free from suffering, doesn’t need to be recognized, acknowledged, approved, authorized, or certified by anyone or any group, or any higher consciousness.

Be free.

Be free from ignorant expectation that leads to unnecessary disappointment

All disappointments derived from expectation. While some minds can get over disappointment easily and move on or hope for better and be driven to strive harder, but there are many minds couldn’t get over it, being hammered by huge/repeated/continuous disappointment, and might fall into low self-esteem or depression, affecting one’s physical and mental health as well as one’s relationships with everyone in life.

Most people think and believe that all human beings need to have some sorts of expectation to motivate and push themselves in everything that they pursue to attain great achievements and to be continuously improve.

In yoga, expectation is merely part of the egoism derived from ignorance, and it is truly unnecessary. When the mind is free from egoism, there’s no need to have expectation to motivate or push oneself to be good and be better, or to achieve something. One just do one’s best to perform all actions and allow the result of the actions to be what it is, without being determined by the actions or the result of the actions to be ‘I’, to be happy, and to feel proud and meaningful, or not.

There’s no disappointment when the result of the action is not as good as what we think it should be. There’s no pride and arrogance when the result of the action is as good as or better than what we think it should be.

There’s nothing wrong when people feel disturbed or offended or disappointed by other people didn’t response to their ‘friendliness’ and ‘kindness’ the way that they think how it should be, or when other people are not interested to have any social interactions with them. But, this is truly unnecessary.

When we practice yoga, we allow everyone to be what they are, without expecting everyone should be ‘good’ and be ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ to all other beings, or to ‘I’. We don’t expect everyone should behave in the way that we think all human beings should behave, or they shouldn’t behave in the way that we think they shouldn’t behave. We respect everyone as they are, that different people are being different from us and everyone else. But, there are many ‘good people’ in the world have expectation towards how other people should and shouldn’t behave, and be disappointed and disturbed when other people don’t behave the way that they think they should behave, and when they behave the way that they think they shouldn’t behave.

If we have expectation towards how other human beings should and shouldn’t behave or interact with the rest of the society, we will be very disturbed and disappointed, when we think and believe all human beings should be ‘socially active’ and be ‘warm’ or ‘nice’ to each other, especially to ‘I’, but there are people who are not ‘socially active’ and didn’t have the intention be ‘warm’ or ‘nice’ to other people, especially to ‘I’. This disappointment is truly unnecessary, and it’s derived from our own ignorant expectation. And we judge these people’s way of life or behavior as ‘bad and ‘wrong’, because we think everyone should somehow be active to ‘social interact’ with other human beings in a way that we think is ‘good’ and ‘right’.

When the mind is free from ignorance, we will know that there is nothing bad and wrong in other people for being socially inactive or didn’t have initiative or interest to be ‘warm’ or ‘nice’ to other people, especially to ‘I’. We won’t be disturbed or disappointed by other people who keep to themselves and are not actively sociable or they don’t particularly do something that we think is ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ gestures.

When other people didn’t have intention to disturbed or hurt us, didn’t interfere with our thinking and believe, didn’t criticize our way of life and behavior, and didn’t intentionally do or say something that is ‘not nice’ to us, and allow us to be what we are, then even though they didn’t do anything ‘extra’ that we think is ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ to other people or to ‘I’, they are already being very ‘good’ and ‘kind’ and ‘nice’ to us.

We, whom we think we are ‘good people’ and better human beings than other people whom we disagree with their thinking and belief, their way of life and behavior that we think is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, and we go around judging people and interfering with other people’s thinking, belief, ways of life and behavior that we don’t like and disagree with, we are actually the ones who are being ‘not nice’ to other people. And we get more disappointed when other people didn’t show gratefulness and thankfulness and appreciation towards our ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ gestures to them, as we expect other people should be grateful and thankful and appreciate when we are being ‘warm’ and nice’ to them. This is complete ignorant thinking and it’s truly unnecessary.

Meanwhile there are people in the world who are ‘socially active’ and are ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ to other people all the time, especially to ‘I’, but at the same time, they might do and say something that would disturb or hurt other people, and interfering with other people’s thinking and belief and way of life, judging and criticizing and complaining about other people, whether intentionally or unintentionally, sometimes in front of people, and other times, behind other people’s back.

Be grateful and thankful that there are people who keep to themselves and don’t disturb other people’s life and leave us alone, that allow us to be free to be who we are, how we think, what we believe, how we live and behave, that even though they are not intentionally or particularly being ‘sociable’ or ‘friendly’ or ‘warm’ or ‘nice’ to us, but at least they didn’t be ‘cruel’ or ‘not nice’ to us, or they didn’t disturb and hurt us.

Allow people to be ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ to other people, or not. If people want to be ‘warm’ and ‘nice’ to us, we receive with gratitude and appreciation. If people don’t have the initiative or interest to be ‘warm’ and ‘nice’, let them be. It doesn’t mean that they are not good or they are bad people. Be compassionate and understanding.

It’s everyone’s freedom for what they want to think and believe and behave, and how they react and feel. If people want to have expectation, that’s their freedom. If people feel disappointed towards something, that’s also their freedom.

Be free.