Seeing the truth in ourselves that is not necessarily what we would like it to be, is a great liberation

It’s common for someone to feel hurt, dissatisfaction and disappointment in a love relationship. That is because we think we love the person in the relationship with us, but we don’t.

When we think we are hurt, dissatisfied and disappointed because of his/her bad treatment to us or wrongful behavior, we will do and say things that would hurt/attack this person in the relationship with us. We would go behind his/her back complaining about him/her for this and that, telling other people, especially our family and friends about how bad he/she is. Meanwhile, we keep telling ourselves and other people, “I love him/her so much. I am so good to him/her. How could he/she do this and didn’t do that, to me. He/she doesn’t love me. I feel so disappointed and hurt.”

‘Hurt’ doesn’t exist if we truly love someone. If we truly love him/her as he/she is, we won’t do and say things that would hurt him/her even though he/she doesn’t love us and isn’t nice to us. We won’t expect him/her to treat us or behave in certain ways. He/she has the freedom to love us, or not, and to be nice to us, or not. And we have the freedom to decide whether to continue this relationship, or not, without feeling hurt or disappointed.

If we ever feel ‘hurt’ by someone whom we think we love very much, it actually tells us that we don’t really love that person, but we only love our selfish desires of what we like and want. The fact that we feel dissatisfied, disappointed and hurt is because our selfish desires are not being gratified from loving the one whom we think we love very much. We are dissatisfied and disappointed is because we are not getting what we like and want, but we are getting what we don’t like and don’t want. It’s not because he/she is bad or wrong. It’s not because he/she doesn’t love us or isn’t nice to us.

To fall in love with someone is not so difficult, but, to truly love someone beyond selfish desires, is very rare.

The realization of “I think I love you and I want to love you, but I realized I don’t really love you because I don’t love you as you are.” allows us to be free from the corrupted thinking and feeling of “I am disappointed and hurt by the one whom I love very much.” Instead, we question ourselves, “How could I demand anything from you or expect you to love me and be nice to me while I don’t really love you?” and “If I really love you, I won’t demand anything from you and won’t expect you to love me and be nice to me. I’ll love you as you are, no matter you love me, or not, and want to be nice to me, or not.”

This will free us from dissatisfaction, disappointment and hurt, even though the person in the relationship doesn’t love us or isn’t nice to us. Meanwhile, even though we love someone very much, as he/she is, we don’t have to allow someone who doesn’t love us and who is not nice to us to take our love for granted, we can let go this person and this relationship.

Seeing the truth in ourselves that is not necessarily what we would like it to be, is a great liberation.

It’s okay if we realize we don’t love someone, as long as we are aware of it and are being truthful and honest towards ourselves and the one whom we think we love, but not really. And this confrontation with the truth allows us to truly love this person, by freeing ourselves from corrupted thinking and feelings.

The end of ignorance, is peace.

Be free.

 

Let go attachment, identification and expectation in all relationships

If we truly love those who are in all kinds of relationships with us, whom we think we love, and if we love them, we will wish everyone be peaceful and be happy while being in the relationships with us, then we need to let go attachment, identification and expectation towards ourselves, the relationships and the people in the relationships with us. Otherwise, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we will keep hurting ourselves and everyone whom we think we love, who are in a form of relationship/connection with us. There’s no love. There’s only possessiveness and endless selfish desires (towards the people whom we think we love and the relationships we have with everyone) waiting to be gratified.

Especially in love relationships, if a person truly loves us, we don’t need to say or do anything to expect or control this person’s behavior so that he or she will not or shall not do anything that is unkind or unloving or hurtful to us. If a person would do something that is unkind or unloving or hurtful to us, out of selfish desires, dissatisfaction, greed and lust, whether within or without our knowledge, then this person doesn’t love us, even though this person thinks he or she loves us, and we love and care for this person very much, because this person doesn’t even love himself or herself. They only love what they like and want (desires). In this case, we can let this person and the relationship with this person go, even though we love this person, but we don’t have to be in a relationship with this person who doesn’t love us or appreciate us. And more importantly, it’s that we won’t feel hurt by this person’s unkind, unloving or hurtful behavior if we truly love this person as he is, as she is. We wish him or her love and peace, and let him or her go to chase after their desires that they like and want, which they can’t get (enough) from being in a relationship with us. Meanwhile, we are happy and peaceful and live life meaningfully as we are, because we don’t depend on other people’s love and kindness or any relationships to make us feel happy or meaningful about ourselves and our life existence.

If we think we love this person very much, and we reluctant to let go this person and this relationship, but, at the same time we feel disturbed and hurt by this person’s unkind, unloving and hurtful behavior, then this is our own responsibility, as we don’t want to let go. This also means that we don’t love this person either, we only love what we like and want, and we only want to possess this person to be ‘mine’, and to possess this person’s love and the relationship with this person. We want him or her to behave in certain ways. We want our relationship with him or her to be in certain ways. We want him or her to love and treat us in certain ways. It’s all about what we like and want. And when we don’t get what we like and want, but we are getting what we don’t like and don’t want, or when what we like and want has changed into something that we don’t like and don’t want, or we are losing what we like and want, we feel disturbed and hurt, disappointed and angry. It’s not because the person in the relationship with us is not loving or unkind, or their behavior is bad and wrong that is hurting us, or has the power to hurt us. It’s our own attachment, identification and expectation that hurts our ego, which is unnecessary.

This is the same as in all our relationships with everyone and everything, whether it’s with family, siblings, parents, children, friends, society, things, and the world that we live in. We think we love this and that. We think we love the world that we live in. And we constantly feel disturbed and hurt, disappointed and angry when people and things that we love, or the world that we love, are not the way that we like or want it to be. It’s merely ignorance and egoism.

Be free, whether we have any kind of relationship with anyone, or not, and whether the relationships we have with everyone are good and long lasting, or not. There’s no attachment, identification or expectation. There’s no unfulfilled desires, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, hurts, guilt, fear and worry.

Allow everyone to love us and be kind to us, and to be in a relationship with us, or not. Love everyone as they are, even though they don’t love us, or they are unkind to us, or they don’t want to be in a relationship (anymore) with us.

Be free.

The relationship between the parents and the children

This article is about the relationship between the parents and the children in ‘conventional’ family affairs/relationships. It’s not about sensitive cases involve ‘unconventional’ single parenting out of sexual abuse and rape.

Before two people in a love relationship want to create/bring in new lives/beings/children to form a family, they need to know what is love. Real love. Unconditional love. If not, it is the main factor why there are conflicts/unhappiness/affliction exist in many families which create broken children growing up into broken relationships/family of their own.

When the parents create/bring a new life/being into the world, they never, and couldn’t ask the permission/consent of this being for creating this life and bringing this being into the world, as this life/being didn’t exist until the parents had created this life/being whether through sexual intercourse or higher technology, whether intentionally or unintentionally, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Children are being born without their own free will or consent, but unwittingly out of the parents’ desire to have children, or out of both or one of the parents’ act of lust even though they have no desire to have any children. And yet, many parents think and believe that these beings/children belong to them, where they think that they have the authority on the children about how they want to treat and bring up the children and whether they will love and care for them, or not. The parents also think that children are born with the obligation, duty and responsibility towards their parents and all the other family members.

There are many parents don’t have any intention to have children, but the child is conceived accidentally out of their act of lust, and these children are ‘unwelcome’ in their life/relationship. Maybe some parents might change their minds to ‘welcome’ the child into their life/relationships, and will love and care for the child, but some parents might ‘perceive’ the child as a ‘burden’ to their life/relationship, and they don’t love or care for the child. Some even abandon the child to their relatives, or children homes, or on the streets. Maybe the abandon child will get love and care from some other people, maybe not. Meanwhile, some didn’t abandon the ‘unwelcome’ child, but they don’t love the child at all and this generates great damages to the child’s overall well-being. The parents don’t see that it’s their own responsibility for conceiving the child out of their act of lust whether wittingly or unwittingly, and yet, they blame the existence of the child for ‘giving’ them ‘problems’.

Most parents who intentionally and wittingly to create lives/children to form a family think and believe that it is because of love. Two people love each other and want to create children/family that ‘belong’ to both of them, that they share together. Some parents create/bring in children to build a stronger connection/relationship/bond between the two of them, or as fuel to keep their relationship alive. This is a complete selfish desire to have children, but people don’t see it as selfishness. Children are being born because the parents want to gratified their desire to have children to form a family to be the connection/bonding medium for their relationship.

Some parents do ‘love’ their children unconditionally, but some might not realize that their desire to have children is selfishness, and their ‘love’ towards their children is conditional/possessive love that comes with great expectation/condition. Some don’t even have the love, patience, effort and time to ‘nurture’ and ‘look after’ a child, but just because they have the basic instinct/desire to be a mother or a father, and so, they produce children.

Many parents don’t realize that there are hidden selfish intentions/conditions in bringing/creating new lives into their relationship/family. Many parents expect something in return by creating/bringing in children onto their life/relationship. They think that by having children it will ‘bring’ joy and happiness into their life. They think that by having children it will give them meaningfulness in life or take away their loneliness/boredom. They think that by having children it will ‘keep’ their marriage/relationship to stay alive and connected. They think that by having children, they will grow up to bring back money to support their life. They think that by having children, the children will look after them when they are old or sick. They think that by having children, they will be loved. They think that by having children, it will make their life or relationship complete. They think that by having children, it will make them become a real man and a complete woman.

There are many people get married merely to form a family life and reproduce, which they think it’s a ‘solution’ or ‘investment’ for them to deal with unhappy relationship/marriage, loneliness, emptiness, old age and sickness.

Many parents have expectation towards their children that the children have to love and care for the parents in return for the love and care that the parents have been giving to their children. They expect/think that all children ‘are obliged to’ or ‘should naturally’ show love and care to their parents as it is the duty and responsibility of the children towards their parents. The children should appreciate and be grateful and thankful to their parents for bringing them into the world, feed them and nurture them, and so, all children should show gratitude by giving their love and care to their parents in return. This is conditional love / selfish love / possessive love. And when they think their children don’t love and care for them, or don’t love and care for them enough, they feel disappointed and hurt. They are disappointed and hurt by their own expectation towards the idea of having children. They don’t love their children. They love what they think they can get from having children.

Either they feel sad about their children unloving behavior, or they feel bad and sorry for themselves for being unloved by their own children, or they feel disappointed, hurt and angry with their children for not loving them or care for them after they have been showing lots of love and care to bring their children up, or after they have invested so much ‘time’, ‘effort’, ‘money’ and ‘love’ for the children’s upbringing, welfare and education.

It’s common and natural that the parents would feel disappointed or hurt or angry if their children don’t love them or don’t love them enough, but then know that this is because these parents don’t really love their children, but they only love what they think they should be receiving from having a family life by having children. And thus, when they don’t get what they think they should be getting from creating/having a family, they react in such way.

If the parents truly love their children, they will love their children as they are and won’t be disappointed or upset or feel hurt, even if the children are not good to their parents or don’t love their parents, or don’t behave the way that what people think all ‘good’ children should behave, or if they think their children didn’t carry out the duty and responsibility of being the children of their parents. People feel disappointed, hurt and upset in children/family affairs is because they think they love their children/family but they don’t really know what is love or how to love. This is absolutely nothing to do with how the children treat their parents, or whether the children are being good and loving to their parents, or not.

It’s normal for the parents to show love and care for their children, but many don’t realize that they have great expectation towards their children to be the type of people that they would like them to be, that the children are obliged to listen to and follow all their commands/wishes, and they must show love and care in return for the parents’ love and care for them.

When the parents want to be recognized as ‘good parents’, ‘good father’ and ‘good mother’, they put so much pressure onto the children to make sure they grow up to be ‘successful’ people that will make their parents, friends and relatives feel proud of. The parents feel proud of themselves to be able to produce and bring up children that appear to be ‘somebody’ that they feel proud of. Or else, they are frustrated/disappointed with themselves and their children as they couldn’t produce and bring up children to be ‘somebody’ that would make them feel proud of. Meanwhile, the children grow up becoming people who keep looking for acknowledgement from other people, to make people feel proud of them, to feel “I am good enough” in order to feel confident, meaningful, and being loved. Or else, they feel disappointed/depressed about themselves for unable to be ‘good enough’ to make their parents or other people to feel proud of. And this affects their relationship with everyone else. These are the ‘values’ that were passing down from generations to generations of what a family means and what to expect from creating a family.

If the children are born out of real love, where the parents have the unconditional love and knowledge of life to give to another life/being unconditionally, then the parents wouldn’t think/expect that their children are born with the duty and responsibility as children towards their parents and all the other family members, that the children are obliged to love and look after their parents and all the other members in the family. The parents will just do their best to nurture the children, teach them to love and look after themselves, until the children are independent, they’ll let them go and allow the children to evolve to be what they are. As well as the children shouldn’t be taught or feel that it’s a duty and responsibility for being the children of their parents and being one of the family members, that they are obliged to give something back in return and to love and look after their parents and the rest of the family members. But, out of everyone’s own free will, out of unconditional love, out of compassion, everyone do their best to be kind to oneself and each other, to love and look after oneself and one another without expecting anything in return. There’s no disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness or unhappiness. Everyone loves and accepts one another as they are.

It’s not because it’s an obligation, duty and responsibility, that’s why the children ‘have to’ love and look after the parents and the other family members. It’s not because of gratitude towards the parents’ love and care for them, that’s why the children ‘have to’ love and care for the parents in return. It’s even without obligation, duty or responsibility, a being can show love and care for other beings. It’s even other beings don’t show love and care for a being, this being can still be loving and kind towards other beings.

May all families have peace and harmony, being free from suffering/affliction/unhappiness that derived from ignorance and egoism of attachment, identification, desires and expectation.

Disappointment?

Disappointment is coming from unfulfilled expectation towards people, society, objects or experiences about everyone and everything have to be the way that we think they should be, which is based on our family brought up, religious and cultural belief and practice, social ethics, personal thinking and belief, likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, as well as desires of want and don’t want. It isn’t coming from people, society, objects or experiences that we think are ‘wrong’, ‘bad’, or ‘inappropriate’. All these names and forms don’t and couldn’t disappoint us or make us unhappy. It’s our own mind’s reaction that generates disappointment in us towards someone or something that we don’t like or don’t agree with.

Respect everyone and everything have the freedom to be what they are, even if our mind doesn’t like or doesn’t agree with them.

After performing actions that we think and believe as ‘good, ‘kind’, and ‘generous’, allow the result of the actions to be what it is, and allow everyone to show appreciation, gratefulness and thankfulness, or not. There’s nothing wrong with people who don’t appreciate or be grateful for something that we believe as ‘good’, ‘kind’ and ‘generous’. It’s our mind believing that ‘this is wrong’ or ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ that generates disappointment in us. There’s nothing wrong with the mind feels disappointed towards someone or something, because that is how the mind works under the influence of ignorance.

Practice yoga of non-attachment, dispassion and renunciation, if we truly want to be free from ignorance which is the cause of all kinds of unhappiness and suffering.

Abandon worldly thinking and belief about how human beings or people should or shouldn’t behave, act and react.

Love the world as it is, even if it is not the way that we like it to be.

Do our best to help the world to improve, but without attachment towards the actions and the result of the actions.

Be free.

Real love is free from bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred

It’s very common to see unhappiness, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred exist in many of the love relationships. That is because people don’t really love the person who is in the relationship with them, but they only love what they like and want from the relationship, or from the person who are in a relationship with them. These people don’t even love themselves. They expect the ‘appropriate’ treatment and behavior from the person in the relationship with them to give them the love, the attention, the commitment, the companionship, the treatment, the satisfaction and the happiness exactly the way that how they like it to be, or the way that they think it should be, to make them feel good and happy, to feel that they are well-loved and well-deserved. If they are not getting what they like and want from the person in the relationship with them, or they are not getting what they want and what they think they deserved from the relationship, and they are getting something that they don’t like and don’t want, or are getting something that they think they don’t deserve to be getting, they feel unhappy, bitter, dissatisfied, disappointed and angry. They think that their relationship is not good. They think that the person in the relationship with them is not good enough, or is bad. Or some would think that it’s because themselves are not good enough, or are bad, that they don’t deserve to love and be loved, or to be treated in the ‘right’ way that they think they should be treated.

Most of the time, we think we love someone, but actually, we don’t. We only love what we like and want. We love certain qualities that we perceive about that person and the ‘good’ image that we project onto that person which we like very much. We love what we like and want that we could receive from that person. We love what we like and want that is available to us from being in a relationship with that person.

And hence, we would get very angry and unhappy, or feel hurt, bitter, dissatisfied and disappointed, when the qualities or the image that we like about that person has changed into something else that we don’t like and don’t want, or when we are not getting what we like and want from that person anymore, or when the relationship with that person and the companionship of that person that we love very much is no longer available to us.

Out of feelings of hurt, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and unhappiness, we would do things and say things that would hurt ourselves and hurt the person whom we want to love, or whom we think we love very much and those whom he or she loves. Where is love? There’s no love. Only bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred when we are losing what we like and want, when we don’t get what we like and want, and are getting what we don’t like and don’t want.

Real love is unconditional, being free from bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred. We love the person as he is, as she is. We only wish him or her will have peace and happiness, even though he or she doesn’t love us (anymore), or doesn’t want to be in a relationship with us (anymore). We don’t have to allow ourselves to be abused or taken for granted, but, we could allow other people to love us, or not; to be nice to us, or not; want to be in a relationship with us, or not. Other people have the freedom to treat us the way that how they want to treat us. Other people have the freedom to behave the way that how they want to behave. We have the freedom to choose how we want to react towards other people’s behavior, actions and reactions.

It is our own responsibility if we want to react with ill-thinking, ill-feelings, ill-will, and we want to feel hurt, or bitter, or dissatisfied, or disappointed, or angry. It is not because other people’s behavior is bad or wrong.

How could we say “I love you” and “Since I love you so much, why don’t you appreciate my love for you and why do you disappoint me and betray my love for you?” and “Why don’t you love me the way that I like it to be, or how I deserve to be loved?” when we would do things and say things that would hurt him or her out of bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred when we are not getting what we like and want from him or her, or from the relationship we have with him or her? Or we would have ill-will for the person whom we ‘love’ very much, we wish him or her should be punished or suffered for being ‘bad’ to us, when he or she doesn’t want to love us, or doesn’t want to be in a relationship with us (anymore)? Because we don’t really love them at all if we would react with ill-will, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred in a relationship.

We expect that “I love you, you should also love me in return.” and “I am very good to you, you should also be good to me.” and “I uphold my commitment, duties and responsibilities towards you in our relationship, you should also uphold your commitment, duties and responsibilities towards me in our relationship.”

It is not other people or the relationship we have with them is bad and wrong that disappoints us. We are disappointed by our own expectation towards other people or the relationships we have with them. We don’t know what is love or how to love. We are being conditioned or brain-washed by our family cultural practice, or religious teachings, or social medias about how people should behave, about give and take, about relationships, and about code of conducts. We expect everyone should follow the same orders and code of conducts. That is what making us so unhappy and dissatisfied in any relationships, as we expect people should behave in certain ways and all relationships should be in certain ways, and if they don’t turn out to be the way that how we expect them to be, or how we think they should be, we are unhappy and dissatisfied.

We have the right and freedom on how we want to react and feel. There’s nothing wrong if we want to feel hurt, bitter and angry. But know that it’s coming from our own reactions towards something that we don’t like, don’t want and don’t agree with. It’s not coming from other people being bad and wrong.

Most people don’t like to hear all these. They just want to blame everything and everyone to be responsible for their reactions of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, bitterness, feelings of hurt, anger and hatred towards something that they don’t like and don’t want. There’s no freedom and there’s so much tension in oneself or in all our relationships with anyone, when we want to love others, or be loved by others.

And thus, those who know what is love and how to love, there’s no complaint, or criticism, or talk bad about their partners that they are not good enough, or are bad, even if they are really not good, or are really bad. Only those who don’t really love their partner would want to complain, criticize and talk bad about their partners out of dissatisfaction, disappointment, bitterness, unhappiness, anger and hatred because they are not getting what they like and want, but they are getting what they don’t like and don’t want. And they want to get agreement and support from other people by complaining to other people about their disappointment and unhappiness, to prove to themselves and other people that “I am good enough to deserve to be treated in a better way or in the right way, and it’s because my partner is not good, or is bad, and he or she doesn’t appreciate ‘my love’ and ‘what I’ve done’ for him or her, that is giving me problems and unhappiness, that is hurting me, or making me angry and miserable.”

Om shanti.