Seeing the truth in ourselves that is not necessarily what we would like it to be, is a great liberation

It’s common for someone to feel hurt, dissatisfaction and disappointment in a love relationship. That is because we think we love the person in the relationship with us, but we don’t.

When we think we are hurt, dissatisfied and disappointed because of his/her bad treatment to us or wrongful behavior, we will do and say things that would hurt/attack this person in the relationship with us. We would go behind his/her back complaining about him/her for this and that, telling other people, especially our family and friends about how bad he/she is. Meanwhile, we keep telling ourselves and other people, “I love him/her so much. I am so good to him/her. How could he/she do this and didn’t do that, to me. He/she doesn’t love me. I feel so disappointed and hurt.”

‘Hurt’ doesn’t exist if we truly love someone. If we truly love him/her as he/she is, we won’t do and say things that would hurt him/her even though he/she doesn’t love us and isn’t nice to us. We won’t expect him/her to treat us or behave in certain ways. He/she has the freedom to love us, or not, and to be nice to us, or not. And we have the freedom to decide whether to continue this relationship, or not, without feeling hurt or disappointed.

If we ever feel ‘hurt’ by someone whom we think we love very much, it actually tells us that we don’t really love that person, but we only love our selfish desires of what we like and want. The fact that we feel dissatisfied, disappointed and hurt is because our selfish desires are not being gratified from loving the one whom we think we love very much. We are dissatisfied and disappointed is because we are not getting what we like and want, but we are getting what we don’t like and don’t want. It’s not because he/she is bad or wrong. It’s not because he/she doesn’t love us or isn’t nice to us.

To fall in love with someone is not so difficult, but, to truly love someone beyond selfish desires, is very rare.

The realization of “I think I love you and I want to love you, but I realized I don’t really love you because I don’t love you as you are.” allows us to be free from the corrupted thinking and feeling of “I am disappointed and hurt by the one whom I love very much.” Instead, we question ourselves, “How could I demand anything from you or expect you to love me and be nice to me while I don’t really love you?” and “If I really love you, I won’t demand anything from you and won’t expect you to love me and be nice to me. I’ll love you as you are, no matter you love me, or not, and want to be nice to me, or not.”

This will free us from dissatisfaction, disappointment and hurt, even though the person in the relationship doesn’t love us or isn’t nice to us. Meanwhile, even though we love someone very much, as he/she is, we don’t have to allow someone who doesn’t love us and who is not nice to us to take our love for granted, we can let go this person and this relationship.

Seeing the truth in ourselves that is not necessarily what we would like it to be, is a great liberation.

It’s okay if we realize we don’t love someone, as long as we are aware of it and are being truthful and honest towards ourselves and the one whom we think we love, but not really. And this confrontation with the truth allows us to truly love this person, by freeing ourselves from corrupted thinking and feelings.

The end of ignorance, is peace.

Be free.

 

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Real love is free from bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred

It’s very common to see unhappiness, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred exist in many of the love relationships. That is because people don’t really love the person who is in the relationship with them, but they only love what they like and want from the relationship, or from the person who are in a relationship with them. These people don’t even love themselves. They expect the ‘appropriate’ treatment and behavior from the person in the relationship with them to give them the love, the attention, the commitment, the companionship, the treatment, the satisfaction and the happiness exactly the way that how they like it to be, or the way that they think it should be, to make them feel good and happy, to feel that they are well-loved and well-deserved. If they are not getting what they like and want from the person in the relationship with them, or they are not getting what they want and what they think they deserved from the relationship, and they are getting something that they don’t like and don’t want, or are getting something that they think they don’t deserve to be getting, they feel unhappy, bitter, dissatisfied, disappointed and angry. They think that their relationship is not good. They think that the person in the relationship with them is not good enough, or is bad. Or some would think that it’s because themselves are not good enough, or are bad, that they don’t deserve to love and be loved, or to be treated in the ‘right’ way that they think they should be treated.

Most of the time, we think we love someone, but actually, we don’t. We only love what we like and want. We love certain qualities that we perceive about that person and the ‘good’ image that we project onto that person which we like very much. We love what we like and want that we could receive from that person. We love what we like and want that is available to us from being in a relationship with that person.

And hence, we would get very angry and unhappy, or feel hurt, bitter, dissatisfied and disappointed, when the qualities or the image that we like about that person has changed into something else that we don’t like and don’t want, or when we are not getting what we like and want from that person anymore, or when the relationship with that person and the companionship of that person that we love very much is no longer available to us.

Out of feelings of hurt, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and unhappiness, we would do things and say things that would hurt ourselves and hurt the person whom we want to love, or whom we think we love very much and those whom he or she loves. Where is love? There’s no love. Only bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred when we are losing what we like and want, when we don’t get what we like and want, and are getting what we don’t like and don’t want.

Real love is unconditional, being free from bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred. We love the person as he is, as she is. We only wish him or her will have peace and happiness, even though he or she doesn’t love us (anymore), or doesn’t want to be in a relationship with us (anymore). We don’t have to allow ourselves to be abused or taken for granted, but, we could allow other people to love us, or not; to be nice to us, or not; want to be in a relationship with us, or not. Other people have the freedom to treat us the way that how they want to treat us. Other people have the freedom to behave the way that how they want to behave. We have the freedom to choose how we want to react towards other people’s behavior, actions and reactions.

It is our own responsibility if we want to react with ill-thinking, ill-feelings, ill-will, and we want to feel hurt, or bitter, or dissatisfied, or disappointed, or angry. It is not because other people’s behavior is bad or wrong.

How could we say “I love you” and “Since I love you so much, why don’t you appreciate my love for you and why do you disappoint me and betray my love for you?” and “Why don’t you love me the way that I like it to be, or how I deserve to be loved?” when we would do things and say things that would hurt him or her out of bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred when we are not getting what we like and want from him or her, or from the relationship we have with him or her? Or we would have ill-will for the person whom we ‘love’ very much, we wish him or her should be punished or suffered for being ‘bad’ to us, when he or she doesn’t want to love us, or doesn’t want to be in a relationship with us (anymore)? Because we don’t really love them at all if we would react with ill-will, bitterness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger and hatred in a relationship.

We expect that “I love you, you should also love me in return.” and “I am very good to you, you should also be good to me.” and “I uphold my commitment, duties and responsibilities towards you in our relationship, you should also uphold your commitment, duties and responsibilities towards me in our relationship.”

It is not other people or the relationship we have with them is bad and wrong that disappoints us. We are disappointed by our own expectation towards other people or the relationships we have with them. We don’t know what is love or how to love. We are being conditioned or brain-washed by our family cultural practice, or religious teachings, or social medias about how people should behave, about give and take, about relationships, and about code of conducts. We expect everyone should follow the same orders and code of conducts. That is what making us so unhappy and dissatisfied in any relationships, as we expect people should behave in certain ways and all relationships should be in certain ways, and if they don’t turn out to be the way that how we expect them to be, or how we think they should be, we are unhappy and dissatisfied.

We have the right and freedom on how we want to react and feel. There’s nothing wrong if we want to feel hurt, bitter and angry. But know that it’s coming from our own reactions towards something that we don’t like, don’t want and don’t agree with. It’s not coming from other people being bad and wrong.

Most people don’t like to hear all these. They just want to blame everything and everyone to be responsible for their reactions of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, bitterness, feelings of hurt, anger and hatred towards something that they don’t like and don’t want. There’s no freedom and there’s so much tension in oneself or in all our relationships with anyone, when we want to love others, or be loved by others.

And thus, those who know what is love and how to love, there’s no complaint, or criticism, or talk bad about their partners that they are not good enough, or are bad, even if they are really not good, or are really bad. Only those who don’t really love their partner would want to complain, criticize and talk bad about their partners out of dissatisfaction, disappointment, bitterness, unhappiness, anger and hatred because they are not getting what they like and want, but they are getting what they don’t like and don’t want. And they want to get agreement and support from other people by complaining to other people about their disappointment and unhappiness, to prove to themselves and other people that “I am good enough to deserve to be treated in a better way or in the right way, and it’s because my partner is not good, or is bad, and he or she doesn’t appreciate ‘my love’ and ‘what I’ve done’ for him or her, that is giving me problems and unhappiness, that is hurting me, or making me angry and miserable.”

Om shanti.

Respect the law of impermanence, and be free…

If we truly know and respect the law of impermanence, there’s no attachment, identification, expectation, craving and aversion towards all the names and forms.

We are aware of all the impermanent changes without being disturbed or determined by it, whether the changes are something that we like or dislike, want or don’t want, agree or don’t agree with.

There’s no need to push away, or deny, or ignore the reality that we don’t like or don’t agree with.

We can do our best to maintain or to improve the good condition of names and forms, but without attachment, clinging, craving or expectation. We can do our best to minimize the risk of bad condition, but without attachment, aversion or expectation. We can do our best to make our life and the world to be better, but without attachment, identification, or expectation. It is not about try to control or change the reality to be the way that we like it to be. When impermanence strikes, we are peaceful as we are, being undisturbed, undetermined by the impermanent changes. As our peace, happiness, confidence, or sense of meaningfulness doesn’t come from any qualities of name and form.

There’s no clinging or craving towards the names and forms that the mind recognizes as good, beauty, positive, pleasantness, happiness and righteousness.

There’s no aversion towards the names and forms that the mind recognizes as bad, ugliness, negative, unpleasantness, unhappiness and unrighteousness.

There’s no dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, anger, or fear towards all the unpleasant or undesirable condition and situation.

It is beyond acceptance as well. We don’t have to force ourselves to accept the reality that we don’t like or don’t agree with, but we are not affected, or disturbed, or influenced, or determined by the reality that we like or don’t like, agree or don’t agree with.

Knowing that whether it is something good or bad, beautiful or ugly, positive or negative, pleasant or unpleasant, happy or unhappy, righteous or unrighteous, whether it is something that we like or don’t like, agree or don’t agree with, they all are impermanent. They exist, they change, and they will cease existing.

If we ever experience dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, anger, or fear, it is not coming from the impermanent changes of all the names and forms, nor it’s because of the reality is not the way that we think it should be, but it is coming from our own attachment, identification, craving, aversion and expectation.

If we have attachment, identification, craving, aversion and expectation towards the names and forms, and try to control or change the reality to be the way that we think it should be, then we will react with great dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, anger, or fear, when the reality is not the way that we want it to be.

By reacting with dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, anger, or fear, will not undo the reality that we don’t want, nor change the reality to be the way that we think it should be. We can perform actions that are necessary to improve a condition or situation, but without attachment, identification, craving, aversion or expectation, and allow the fruit of our actions to be what it is, as it is, and be free.

Those who think they love yoga and meditation practice, and identify themselves as yoga and meditation practitioners, and those who identify themselves as yoga and meditation teachers, should know that this is the fundamental and essential teaching and practice of yoga and meditation.

Om shanti.

Quality of life?

Quality of life is not determined by life conditions, wealth status, health status, possessions, social status, success in education or career, relationships, material and sensual enjoyments, physical conditions or abilities, and etc.Without the correct understanding about things, or not knowing the truth of things, all these impermanent good and bad qualities of names and forms do not guarantee us peace and happiness. We still can be dissatisfied and be disturbed by anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, dissatisfaction, disappointment, pride, arrogance, agitation, depression, fear and worry, and etc, as we have attachment, craving and aversion towards things that we like and dislike, things that we agree with and disagree with…

Peace of mind doesn’t come from good quality of names and forms. It is going beyond the identification with all these impermanent good and bad qualities to determine who we are or what we are… It is non-attachment towards all these names and forms. We are able to accept the reality of everything as it is, not necessarily the way that we like it to be or what we think it should be…

Only when we are not attached to, nor determined by all these impermanent qualities of names and forms of good and bad, positive and negative, happiness and suffering, as who we are or how we should feel, then we can fully make the maximum out of this life existence…

We are leading our life to do our best in what we can do with this life, this body and this mind. But if we depend on all these impermanent qualities of names and forms to determine us, then it will be the opposite, we will be lead by all these impermanent changes of names and forms…

We will never have peace nor be truly happy as we will be forever restless and dissatisfied because the nature of life and all the things that come along with life are impermanent. Even if everything is the way that we like it to be in the moment, we might feel satisfied and happy about all these good quality of names and forms that we like and want in the moment, but this satisfaction and happy feelings are not pure. It is a mixture of dissatisfaction, fear and worry. It’s because everything is impermanent, constantly changing. And we have attachment towards this good quality of things to feel good and meaningful. Due to craving and clinging towards all these good qualities of names and forms, we don’t want them to change into something else that we don’t like, but we couldn’t stop all these things to go through changes or impermanence… Eventually when all these good or happy things changed or disappeared, we will feel dissatisfied, disappointed, lost and empty…

And even if we don’t experience any things that are not good in the moment, we are still full of aversion towards bad things, bad happenings or bad conditions. We are full of fear and worry even though nothing bad is happening now. We are disturbed by imaginations and anticipations about bad things, bad happenings and bad conditions that might going to happen on us…

There is no peace no matter everything is good now and nothing bad is happening, because we cannot avoid fear and worry and dissatisfaction that derived from attachment, craving and aversion, due to being ignorant about the truth of things. If we are able to let go of craving and aversion that comes from attachment towards the qualities of names and forms, then naturally peace and happiness is here, unconditioned and undetermined by all the impermanent qualities of things…

That should be the guideline for quality of life (existence)… It is not determined by whether our living condition is abundance or scarcity (in terms of all the basic needs and wants in life, such as food, clothing, shelter, things, education, career, wealth, possessions, relationships, friendships, enjoyments, physical health and abilities, and etc…). People who live a life of luxury and enjoy high quality things don’t necessarily have a high quality of life. A monk who renounced the worldly way of life, or even a man living on the streets can have a high quality of life. People who have very good physics, health condition and physical abilities don’t necessarily have a high quality of life. People who have poor physics, health condition and physical abilities can have a high quality of life. We are able to live life to the maximum and meaningfully without being determined by the different qualities of things, conditions, situations, physical conditions and abilities, and etc, that we have or don’t have…

There is nothing wrong with people who believe in accumulation of wealth, good condition of health, good physics and abilities, success in relationships or career, material possessions and sensual enjoyments as the foundation of happiness and value of life… There is nothing wrong also with people who believe in contentment, generosity and kindness as the source of happiness and value of life… It can be anything depending on what we really want. At the end it is our own choice and believe in what we want and whether we are going to be happy with what we want and what we can achieve… Most people don’t really happy or be satisfied with what they want… Some people think having more things in life will be happy but not necessarily. Some people think having less things in life will be happy but not necessarily… It is up to us whether we are satisfied and be happy with what we have and what we don’t have in the present moment now…

Happiness and value of life is not to be judged or determined by how the society think or believe what happiness and value of life are… Our life is centered on how we feel and think, and not how other people feel and think… This is not selfishness or being unthoughtful… Everyone is responsible for themselves for how they feel and think… Even if other people intentionally throw some abusive words and actions towards us, we don’t have to be disturbed or determined by it… We can choose to move away… We can still be peaceful as we are… When we are not happy and angry about certain things, it is coming from our own mind… It’s not caused by what other people say or do. We are not happy and angry is because what other people say or do is not something that our mind can agree with or it is not how our mind like it to be…

Be confident in our own belief and our belief should not be influenced or shattered by the thinking and belief of the society…

Om shanti.