Broken /complicated relationship involving third party?

Broken/complicated relationship involving third party is not something uncommon nowadays.

There might be different kinds of situation exist in any relationship. It doesn’t matter what kind of situation, most people would think and believe and expect that two people should commit themselves to be loyal and faithful towards one another being in a ‘committed’ relationship, if oneself has no sincerity to be ‘committed’ and ‘faithful’ in a relationship, then just don’t get into a relationship with anyone, as whether wittingly or unwittingly, oneself will cause ‘hurts’ to the other person in the relationship with oneself. But in many relationships, two people have love for each other in the beginning, and want to be in a relationship together, but after some time, the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or is not there anymore, where they don’t feel love towards the partner anymore, and either they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or they would want to look for the ‘feeling of love’ in other love affairs/relationships with other people.

For example, A and B is in a so called ‘committed’ relationship, while B is also having an open or secret love affair/relationship with C.

In such relationship that involved ‘third party’, most people would think that A is the ‘victim’, while B and C are the ‘selfish and immoral’ bad people that are hurting A. A should deserved sympathy and support from others, while B and C should be blamed and condemned for being ‘selfish and immoral and hurtful’. But for those who understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, no one is being a ‘victim’ and no one is being ‘selfish/immoral/hurtful’ bad people in a broken/complicated relationship.

There’s neither right nor wrong in ‘love relationship’ even if it’s ‘broken’, whether with or without involving third party. It’s just a relationship didn’t turn out to be the way that most people desire/expect it to be, as well as there’s no ‘love’ in such relationship. And there’s nothing wrong if there’s no ‘love’, or an expected relationship is non-existing, or a relationship is discontinued, for any reason.

If there’s love in the relationship, the relationship won’t be broken/damaged, it’s either a relationship that continues or discontinued/came to an end, due to any reason, in peace. If there’s love from oneself towards the partner, one will have loving kindness, self-control and decency to not commit in any behavior that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner in the relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Even if there’s ‘feeling of love’ in the relationship in the beginning, and the ‘feeling of love’ is impermanent, it will change and disappear. But, if there’s love, then even though sometimes the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or not there anymore, one will still be kind to the partner in the relationship with oneself, and would not behave in the way that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner, not because of the sense of ‘commitment’ or ‘obligation’ towards a ‘committed’ relationship, but out of loving kindness.

There’s nothing wrong either if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry thinking and believing oneself is being ‘a victim’ of other people’s unloving/unfaithful/hurtful/immoral behavior. Everyone has the rights and freedom to feel what they want to feel and react the way that they want to react. But then, one must also understand that if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry, it’s because one doesn’t really love the partner as he/she is, one only loves one’s desire and expectation towards the partner and the relationship has to be in certain ways. One has desire and expectation towards the relationship and the partner to be in certain way, and when things turn out to be not the way that one desires or expects, when one is getting something that one doesn’t like, doesn’t want and doesn’t agree with, and when one is losing what one likes (the relationship and the partner being in certain ways that one desires it to be), or what one likes (the perfect faithful loving partner/relationship) is no longer available, or is ‘disturbed’, or has changed into something else, that’s why one feels hurt/disappointed/angry. It’s not because the partner or the relationship is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ that cause the ‘hurts/disappointment/anger’ in oneself, but, it’s because one doesn’t love the partner as he/she is, but only loves what one likes/desires/expects.

It’s how everyone/human beings/the untrained egoistic minds react towards ‘ungratified desires’ of “This is not what I like and want and expect.”, or “I am not getting what I like and want, but I’m getting what I don’t like and don’t want.” or “This is something wrong/bad/hurtful/undeserving happening to me.”

If there’s correct understanding towards ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, then there would be no hard/hurtful/bitter feelings where people can let go the relationship in peace, one won’t see oneself as ‘a victim of the unfaithfulness/betrayal of the partner in a broken relationship’ or ‘a victim of the intrusion of the lover of one’s partner that causes my relationship to be broken’. And there’s no blame or condemn towards the partner and the lover that they should be guilty for being ‘the selfish bad people that cause this relationship to be broken/damaged’.

This is really nothing to do with whether the partner and his/her lover in the love affair/relationship are being ‘selfish’, ‘unfaithful’, ‘disloyal’, ‘immoral’, ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, or not. It’s about how oneself thinks, understands, feels and reacts being in such situation, where one’s partner is involved in a love affair/relationship with another person.

If a person would commit in a love affair/relationship with another person other than the one in a relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly, it indicates that this person doesn’t really ‘love’ the partner. He/she loves it’s desire for satisfaction. When he/she is not satisfied with his/her partner, when he/she is not getting what it desires/expects from the partner, he/she will be looking for something/someone else to gratify its desire for satisfaction, love, passion, pleasure, interaction, or lust. And that’s common ‘human’s nature’, or the normal behavior of the untrained minds under the influence of desires.

Everyone has the rights or freedom whether they want to love anyone, or don’t want to love anyone, or stop loving someone, or having too much ‘feeling of love’ that needs to be shared with many people at the same time, or want to be in many different love affairs/relationships at one time, or whether they are satisfied/dissatisfied being in a ‘committed’ relationship with somebody.

If one truly loves the partner in the relationship with oneself, one will love this person as he/she is, even if the partner doesn’t love oneself, or stop loving oneself, or being ‘the god/goddess of love’ who needs to ‘love’ as many people as possible. One doesn’t need to be in a relationship with this person, to possess this person to be mine. One doesn’t expect this person to be faithful and loyal, or expect the love from this person doesn’t change, or won’t disappear, or ‘should be for me only’. One allows this person to have or don’t have the ‘feeling of love’ for oneself, or stop loving oneself, or doesn’t love oneself, or prefer to love and be with someone else. One can let go the person that doesn’t love oneself, or let go a relationship that doesn’t have ‘love’ or couldn’t continue, in peace, and allow this person to love and be with other people that he/she loves.

One won’t feel hurt/disappointed/angry towards the partner who doesn’t love oneself or towards the relationship that is not the way that how most people would like it to be. Because if the partner loves oneself, then there’s no need any expectation from oneself, without the sense of obligation to be committed and be faithful in a relationship with oneself, but out of loving kindness towards oneself, he/she will have self-control and decency, where he/she will not do anything that would cause ‘hurts’ or ‘damages’ to oneself or this relationship, not even behind one’s knowledge, regardless of whether there’s the ‘feeling of love’ existing, or not. One would know how to ‘keep a respectful distance’ with others who have the tendency to ‘fall in love’ with oneself, as one doesn’t need to look for satisfaction in ‘love affairs/relationships’.

One cannot expect ‘love’ from anyone, but allowing others whether to ‘love’ oneself, or not. One cannot expect how other people should love oneself or behave in a relationship, but allowing others to love us the way as they are. There’s no such thing as “Once you love me and being in a ‘committed’ relationship with me, you will have to be forever faithful and loyal to me, and loving me only.” And if, one realizes that the partner doesn’t love oneself, one can choose to continue or let go the relationship, in peace, without bitterness. There’s neither right nor wrong, either way.

There’s even no need of ‘forgiveness’, if one truly loves the partner as he/she is, even if the partner is being unfaithful, as one is undisturbed/unhurt by the partner’s ‘unfaithfulness’ at all, but would let go of him/her and the relationship. One doesn’t feel bad about oneself or thinking that one is not good enough, if the partner doesn’t love oneself, if one knows love.

Unfortunately, many people couldn’t let go in peace, and be disturbed by hard/hurtful/bitter/angry feelings that doesn’t help to make things better, and might do things that hurt oneself or the partner and the people whom the partner loves.

There’s nothing wrong if one realizes that oneself doesn’t love the partner, and one should be honest and straightforward to let this person knows that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t feel love for you.” or “I don’t want to be with you in a relationship.” or “I want to be with someone else.” This honesty won’t hurt, if people are matured enough to understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’. But it would cause deeper ‘hurts/disappointment/anger/hatred’ by being untruthful to oneself and the partner, pretending that one loves the partner very much, but in truth, one doesn’t love the partner, and one won’t be satisfied being with that partner, and would try to find satisfaction in some other love affairs/relationships with other lovers. People who are matured enough would let go the person whom they love very much to be with the people whom this person loves, in peace. That’s love.

When two people don’t hurt one another out of dissatisfaction/disappointment/anger/hurts, then even though there’s no ‘feeling of love’ from one or both of them, or they are not in a relationship, that’s love. Where/what is love, if one or two people keep hurting each other out of feeling of hurts/anger/disappointment being in a relationship that is not the way that they like it to be?

If people are not matured enough to accept ‘honesty’ or ‘the truth’ in peace, when people whom they think they love very much are being honest and straightforward telling them that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.” or “I want to love and be with someone else.”, then it’s their own responsibility if they don’t like that honesty or the truth, and react with feeling hurt/disappointed/angry for losing what they like and want, or not getting what they like and want, but getting what they don’t like and don’t want. And this relationship won’t be peaceful and harmony anyway, even if they continue to be in a relationship, because they don’t really love whom they think they love very much. There will be lots of ‘tension’ and ‘unhappiness’ derived from ‘ungratified desires’ and ‘expectation’ in this relationship all the time.

Be free, to love or be loved, or not.

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Self-righteousness is not yoga practice (2)

Teaching yoga, or practicing yoga, is not about ‘I am an unique spiritual being’ being chosen by ‘God’ or ‘Guru’, being initiated/assigned/given a righteous ‘duty’ from ‘God’ or ‘Guru’, being ‘self-righteous’ for helping ‘God’ or ‘Guru’ to patrol/judge/control/criticize/discipline/punish other people’s actions and reactions, or to be interfering with other people’s thinking/belief/behavior/practice that are different from one’s thinking/belief/behavior/practice, that the mind thinks and believes as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, and interfering with other people’s different ways of life, actions and reactions, mental and physical activities that one’s mind doesn’t like and doesn’t agree with, that one’s mind thinks and believes as ‘contradicting’ with the teachings and practice of yoga.

As all these ‘thinking’ and ‘actions’ coming from the mind acting and reacting towards the world of names and forms that the mind comes in contact with/perceives/experiences/acknowledges are nothing but the play of egoism born out of ignorance. Although most minds would think and believe that they are being the ‘good spiritual beings’ acting on behalf of ‘God’ or ‘Guru’, or upholding what they think and believe is ‘supremacy’, ‘authority’, or ‘righteousness’.

Teaching yoga is merely sharing the knowledge derived from one’s direct experience and self-realization, to give guidance to those who come to them to seek guidance to be learning and practicing yoga, while allowing everyone to be what they are, whether they want to take the guidance, or not; whether they want to learn and practice yoga as it is, or not; whether they want to develop awareness, correct understanding, initiative and self-discipline to discipline their own minds, or not; whether they are aware of all the egoistic urges/intentions behind all their actions and reactions, or not; whether they want to restrict their own mental and physical activities, to purify their minds to be free from egoism, impurities and restlessness, to silent the modifications of the mind, or not; and whether they want to perform inquiry towards the truth of everything and be free from ignorance, or not.

There’s no egoistic idea/desire/intention of “I want to be a yoga teacher to teach yoga to other people.” or “I am a yoga teacher performing action of teaching yoga to other people.”

Practicing yoga is also about allowing everyone and everything to be what they are, that everyone and everything are impermanent and selfless, while ‘working’ diligently to free one’s mind from ignorance and the consequences of ignorance.

Those who understand this, either they don’t need to perform any practice at all as they are peaceful as they are where their minds are free from ignorance, egoism and impurities, or if they are aware of the existence of ignorance, egoism and impurities in the minds, they will mind their own practice to discipline, to purify and to silent their own minds, while allowing all the other minds to be what they are, to be evolving as they are.

If ‘God’ or ‘Guru’ exists, they are ‘the selfless/mindless silent witness of pure consciousness’, being undisturbed/unaffected/uninfluenced/unchanged/unbothered by all the existing impermanent and selfless names and forms of different thinking/belief/behavior/way of life/actions/reactions of everyone and the consequences of that, or whatever is happening in ‘the world of ignorant egoistic impure minds functioning under ignorance, egoism and impurities’. If ‘God’ and ‘Guru’ exist, they don’t have egoism, or the ‘self-righteous’ urge or intention derived from egoism to be interfering with/patrolling/judging/controlling/criticizing/disciplining/punishing anyone or anything. If they have egoism, or the ‘self-righteous’ urge or intention derived from egoism to be interfering with/patrolling/judging/controlling/criticizing/disciplining/punishing everyone or everything, making sure everyone and everything ‘to be the way that I think it should be’, then they are not really God or Guru.

Such like some people would inflict anger, hatred, ill-will and violence towards others out of the excuse of ‘upholding peace’ or ‘upholding righteousness’. This is not yoga practice, although it’s everyone’s freedom for what they think and believe, and how they behave, act and react.

“In the name of God, I condemn you to hell.” or “These are bad and evil people, I hope that they will be punished with great suffering that they deserved.” Quite many minds/people would think and speak in such way ‘proudly’. No wonder, many of the saints and sages in the past renounced the world and retreated from the society/community to avoid wasting energy from dealing with such affairs.

Those who truly practice yoga, they withdraw the outgoing tendency of the mind, turning the mind inward to be ‘working’ diligently towards attaining/reaching that ‘pure consciousness of the selfless/mindless silent witness’, where they go beyond the egoistic urge/intention of interfering with/patrolling/judging/controlling/criticizing/disciplining/punishing anyone or anything.

If one is aware of this ‘self-righteous’ thinking and behavior existing in one’s mind, and is aware of oneself constantly feels dissatisfied, or frustrated, or disturbed, or angered, or offended by other people’s different thinking/belief/practice/behavior/way of life/actions and reactions that one’s mind dislikes and disagrees with, and couldn’t help oneself being over-powered by the ‘self-righteous’ urge or intention to be interfering with other people’s different thinking/belief/practice/behavior/way of life/actions and reactions, then either one can try to help oneself by developing will-power to free one’s mind from this self-righteous thinking and behavior, or one can try to seek ‘professional helps’ from the many ‘psychiatric professionals’, to have peace in oneself and stop generating ‘disharmony’ and ‘unrest’ into the surrounding environment, being free from restless impurities of dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, possessiveness, authoritarianism, offensiveness, defensiveness, hurts, hostility, animosity, aggressiveness, violence, ill-will, ill-thinking, fear and worry. That itself is a great contribution towards peace in oneself and peace in the world.

Look after one’s mind before it’s too late where one might be completely losing the reasoning power that allow yoga practice to be taking place, even if one is interested in yoga, or strongly believe in ‘God’ or ‘Guru’. One might be doing some form of ‘yoga practice’ or ‘rituals’ regularly, but couldn’t help being busy looking at other people and shouting at other people, “You people should be like this and shouldn’t be like that,” expecting everyone and everything ‘to be the way that I think it should be’. That’s everyone’s freedom of thinking and behavior. It’s everyone’s freedom whether to look after one’s mind, or they prefer to be busy minding about other people’s minds, and losing the sanity of their own mind being lost in ignorance.

Be free.

Let go attachment, identification and expectation in all relationships

If we truly love those who are in all kinds of relationships with us, whom we think we love, and if we love them, we will wish everyone be peaceful and be happy while being in the relationships with us, then we need to let go attachment, identification and expectation towards ourselves, the relationships and the people in the relationships with us. Otherwise, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we will keep hurting ourselves and everyone whom we think we love, who are in a form of relationship/connection with us. There’s no love. There’s only possessiveness and endless selfish desires (towards the people whom we think we love and the relationships we have with everyone) waiting to be gratified.

Especially in love relationships, if a person truly loves us, we don’t need to say or do anything to expect or control this person’s behavior so that he or she will not or shall not do anything that is unkind or unloving or hurtful to us. If a person would do something that is unkind or unloving or hurtful to us, out of selfish desires, dissatisfaction, greed and lust, whether within or without our knowledge, then this person doesn’t love us, even though this person thinks he or she loves us, and we love and care for this person very much, because this person doesn’t even love himself or herself. They only love what they like and want (desires). In this case, we can let this person and the relationship with this person go, even though we love this person, but we don’t have to be in a relationship with this person who doesn’t love us or appreciate us. And more importantly, it’s that we won’t feel hurt by this person’s unkind, unloving or hurtful behavior if we truly love this person as he is, as she is. We wish him or her love and peace, and let him or her go to chase after their desires that they like and want, which they can’t get (enough) from being in a relationship with us. Meanwhile, we are happy and peaceful and live life meaningfully as we are, because we don’t depend on other people’s love and kindness or any relationships to make us feel happy or meaningful about ourselves and our life existence.

If we think we love this person very much, and we reluctant to let go this person and this relationship, but, at the same time we feel disturbed and hurt by this person’s unkind, unloving and hurtful behavior, then this is our own responsibility, as we don’t want to let go. This also means that we don’t love this person either, we only love what we like and want, and we only want to possess this person to be ‘mine’, and to possess this person’s love and the relationship with this person. We want him or her to behave in certain ways. We want our relationship with him or her to be in certain ways. We want him or her to love and treat us in certain ways. It’s all about what we like and want. And when we don’t get what we like and want, but we are getting what we don’t like and don’t want, or when what we like and want has changed into something that we don’t like and don’t want, or we are losing what we like and want, we feel disturbed and hurt, disappointed and angry. It’s not because the person in the relationship with us is not loving or unkind, or their behavior is bad and wrong that is hurting us, or has the power to hurt us. It’s our own attachment, identification and expectation that hurts our ego, which is unnecessary.

This is the same as in all our relationships with everyone and everything, whether it’s with family, siblings, parents, children, friends, society, things, and the world that we live in. We think we love this and that. We think we love the world that we live in. And we constantly feel disturbed and hurt, disappointed and angry when people and things that we love, or the world that we love, are not the way that we like or want it to be. It’s merely ignorance and egoism.

Be free, whether we have any kind of relationship with anyone, or not, and whether the relationships we have with everyone are good and long lasting, or not. There’s no attachment, identification or expectation. There’s no unfulfilled desires, dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, hurts, guilt, fear and worry.

Allow everyone to love us and be kind to us, and to be in a relationship with us, or not. Love everyone as they are, even though they don’t love us, or they are unkind to us, or they don’t want to be in a relationship (anymore) with us.

Be free.

Love vs possessiveness

When we tell somebody, “I love you…”
Do we really love this person? Or we love the qualities in this person that we like and agree with? Or we love what we like and want from this person?

And when we tell this person whom we love, “I want to be in a relationship with you…”
Do we really just want to be with this person? Or we want to possess this person to be ‘mine’? Or we love what we like and want from being in a relationship with this person?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Out of ‘love’ towards a person or an object, naturally we (the ego) will have the desire to ‘own’ this person or this object to be ‘mine’.

Out of this ‘love’ or more accurately, possessiveness, we will have fear of losing this person or this object.

When somebody or something comes in between this person or this object and ‘I’, ‘I’ will be very unhappy and angry.

For example, if we are in a relationship with somebody, and one day our partner fell in love with another person. He or she desires to be with the other person and doesn’t want to continue to be in the relationship with us anymore. Or there’s no third party, but just simply because our partner stops having passionate love feelings for us.

Our mind is being conditioned to react in certain ways. We (the ego) might feel hurt, disappointed and sad, and we might do something ignorant that will hurt ourselves and some other people. Or we will feel very hurt, disappointed and angry, and have anger and hatred towards our partner for stopped loving us or being ‘unfaithful’ to us, and be angry and jealous towards the other person who has ‘taken away’ the person whom ‘I’ love very much, and we might say or do something that will hurt ourselves, and hurt our partner and the other person.

As our mind is being conditioned to think how a relationship should be like. We expect the person in the relationship with us should be faithful and loyal to us, or there should be some sorts of commitment between the two of us, and we should be faithful and loyal to each other.

Our mind also being conditioned to think that if we don’t ‘love’ our partner so much, we won’t be feeling so unhappy, if our partner wants to be with another person. And because we ‘love’ our partner so much, that’s why we feel so hurt. People like to say, the stronger the love is, the deeper the hatred will be. But this doesn’t seem right. Why?

If we truly love our partner, we love him or her unconditionally, without expecting him or her to love us in return, or love us the way that we want them to love us. We will only wish him or her happiness. Even if he or she chooses to be with another person and not us. We will let go of him or her in peace, as he or she feels that to be with the other person is more happy than to be with us. We wish him or her peace and happiness for being with the person that he or she loves, if we truly love him or her unconditionally.

There won’t be any disappointment, anger, hurt or jealousy if we truly love somebody unconditionally. As if we are over-powered by anger and jealousy, we might say or do something that will hurt our partner and the person whom he or she loves. Then how can we say we ‘love’ our partner, if we will do or say something that will hurt him or her, and the person whom he or she loves so much? It clearly indicates that we don’t really love our partner, but we only want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if somebody is going to take away something that belongs to ‘I’, ‘I’ will be angry and unhappy.

Out of attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person in the relationship with us, we feel the need to ‘protect’ this relationship, we will have fear and worry of losing this person and the relationship that we have. We might do something that will hurt ourselves, or the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much, and those whom he or she loves so much, when things don’t happen the way that we would like them to be.

This type of ‘love’ is purely egoistic selfish passionate possessiveness and attachment, with selfish desires and expectations. This type of selfish love only bring unhappiness in ourselves and in the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much. We are being not free to love somebody, full of doubts, jealousy, fear and worry all the time, and the person whom we ‘love’ also is not free being ‘loved’ or ‘possessed’ by us.

Only unconditional love without expectation will promote peace, happiness and freedom in ourselves and in the person whom we love.

If we need to change ourselves to be ‘somebody else’ whom we are not, or do something to please someone in order to have him or her to love us in return, then this also doesn’t bring peace and happiness. As he or she doesn’t really love us the way as we are, but will only ‘loves’ us when we behave the way that he or she likes and agrees with. Or else he or she doesn’t want to ‘love’ us anymore.

We need to allow the other person to be free to be who he or she is, without expecting he or she to be the way that we would like him or her to be.

And thus even though the qualities in us change all the time, our physical appearance, condition and abilities, our personality, feelings and behaviors, our likes and dislikes also will be changing from time to time, but we will love each other as we are, accepting all our changes as they are. We just love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

If somebody doesn’t love us, or doesn’t love us anymore, it is not because we are not good enough. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when relationship didn’t turn out ‘nicely’ as how we like it to be.

This is our yoga practice. It is in our relationships with everyone, to love without attachment, conditions or expectation. There’s no dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, frustration, fear, worry, and feelings of hurt, which derived from attachment and possessiveness.

The point is, in a true relationship, without expectation towards each other, out of each other’s own free will, they will be faithful and committed to each other, and won’t do anything that will hurt one another. It is not about one or both of them expect the other person should be faithful or expect the other person to give them what they want (For example, some people expect a faithful partner and a happy ‘perfect’ relationship that last forever). We will experience bitterness or unhappiness in any relationships is because the relationships didn’t turn out the way that we expect it to be, or the way that we think it supposed to be. We are let down, or disappointed by our own expectations. It is not because the person whom we love didn’t love us, or is not good enough.

We (the ego) are angry, disappointed and unhappy is because we didn’t get the things that we want, or things didn’t happen the way that we like it to be, or we have lost the things that we think they belong to us. It is not because our partner is not faithful to us, or doesn’t love us anymore.

For example, it is not necessarily that we will be satisfied and happy when somebody gives us something. The act of giving or receiving is not what make us feel happy and satisfied if we have strong ego and attachment. We only will feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that ‘we like’, from anybody, or when we receive anything from the people whom we ‘like’ to be receiving from. Sometimes we won’t feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that we ‘don’t like’, even if it is coming from the people whom we think we ‘love’. Or we won’t feel happy or satisfied even when we receive something that we ‘like’, but it is not coming from the people whom we want to be receiving from. If somebody whom we dislike gives us something that we like, we won’t feel the same as when it is given by someone whom we love very much. This indicates that we will only be happy and satisfied when we get what we want and the way that we want, it’s not because the person who loves us gives us something, and it’s not because the things that are given to us are something that we like. It is about the right person gives us the right thing the way that we want.

Can we see how selfish we are? We only ‘love’ the things that we like and want. We are happy and satisfied only when things happen the way that we like it to be. We don’t really ‘love’ the people whom we think we ‘love’ very much, if we have strong attachment and possessiveness, and have selfish desires and expectations from the people whom we think we ‘love’. And so, we stop blaming our partner for being ‘unfaithful’ or ‘not good enough’, or didn’t give us what we think he or she should give to us, or didn’t treat us the way that we want him or her to treat us, or didn’t give us the type of relationship that we want.

No one is obligated to be nice to another person. If we expect everyone should be nice to one another, especially when ourselves is nice to other people, and we expect other people should be grateful and thankful, and they should also be nice to us in return, we will be very disappointed, if they don’t. But if anyone will be nice to us out of loving kindness from their own free will, not because we have been nice to them, then we appreciate this loving kindness without attachment, without clinging onto this kindness, or craving for more. Without aversion or fear that this loving kindness is no longer available. As true loving kindness is not about something ‘in exchange’ for something. It’s not about give and take.

Be grateful for other people being nice to us out of loving kindness, not because they are obligated to be nice to us, because we have been nice to them. Give without expecting anything in return, although something might come back to us naturally, but not necessarily the way that we expect it to be. Give out of love, not because we are obligated to give back something in return after we receive something. Be nice without expecting any kind of nice reactions in return. Be nice out of love, not because we are obligated to be nice in return for other people being nice to us.

It doesn’t matter there’s nobody shows gratitude or appreciation for what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like or are dissatisfied with what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people criticize or condemn us after we give. We are not determined by praise and condemn, compliment and criticism, success and failure, if we know what is non-attachment towards our actions, and renounce the fruit of actions.

May all be free to love, and be loved.

Om shanti

Love relationships – Want to love, and be loved?

When someone is in love with another person, it’s natural that one has the ‘desire’ to be loved by that person, and if the other person also has the ‘desire’ to love this person, and to be in a relationship with this person, one ‘expects’ that being in a relationship means there should be ‘commitment’ among them towards each other, one starts to have the ‘possessiveness’ to ‘own’ the other person and the relationship, thinking that this person is in a relationship with ‘I’, this relationship belongs to ‘I’, this person is ‘mine’, this person should be faithful and loyal to ‘I’.

One also has the great expectation that since ‘I’ love you so much, you should be loving me as much as ‘I’ love you, and expect the relationship to be the way that ‘I’ think it should be. And one gets so disappointed, upset and angry when the other person also have other ‘desires’ to be fulfilled, and those desires are nothing to do with ‘I’. Anger, hatred and jealousy over-powering the ‘love’ that we think we have for the one who we think we ‘love’. It clearly shows that we don’t really love that person, but just want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if we don’t get what we want, we are not happy and are very angry.

It also shows that we don’t love ourselves either, as we are hurting ourselves with anger, hatred and jealousy. If we don’t even love ourselves, how can we love another person ‘properly’, as we will expect that person will give us what we want that will make us feel loved and feel good?

It doesn’t have to be like this.

We can just love, and let him or her to be free to be who he or she is, and let him or her go if that is what he or she desires.

If we know how to love without any selfish desires, expectation and possessiveness, we only wish the one that we love will be happy as he or she is, whether he or she loves us or not, or had loved us but not anymore, and whether he or she loves another person and not us. We are happy as we are, as we love unconditionally. Without expecting him or her to love us the way that we want it to be.

May all who desire to love another, or be loved by another, be free to love and be loved unconditionally.

When two people truly love one another, there is no ‘commitment’ that needs to be observed. There’s no need to have faithfulness or loyalty. Naturally they will stay in that relationship, no matter they are together, or not.

By having expectation towards the one whom we think we love to be faithful and loyal to us, clearly indicates that we don’t love this person actually. We only want to fulfill our selfish desire to be loved the way that we want it to be.

Falling in love with someone whom we like very much should be something sweet, content, joyful and happy, but it is not necessarily so, if we start to have doubts, jealousy, anger, disappointment, guilt, fear and worry being in that love relationship, as we attached to that love and the relationship, have clinging onto the feelings of love and sweetness, afraid of impermanent changes, or afraid of losing it, or afraid of some other people will come into the relationship and cause disturbance and destruction in that relationship, and so on.

So unpeaceful, anxious and restless to fall in love and to be in a love relationship, if we don’t know how to love ‘freely’ without attachment and expectation. We are not free for loving someone, and the person whom we love ‘very much’ also is not free for being ‘loved’ by us.

May all beings be free to love and be loved. 

Be happy.