Broken /complicated relationship involving third party?

Broken/complicated relationship involving third party is not something uncommon nowadays.

There might be different kinds of situation exist in any relationship. It doesn’t matter what kind of situation, most people would think and believe and expect that two people should commit themselves to be loyal and faithful towards one another being in a ‘committed’ relationship, if oneself has no sincerity to be ‘committed’ and ‘faithful’ in a relationship, then just don’t get into a relationship with anyone, as whether wittingly or unwittingly, oneself will cause ‘hurts’ to the other person in the relationship with oneself. But in many relationships, two people have love for each other in the beginning, and want to be in a relationship together, but after some time, the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or is not there anymore, where they don’t feel love towards the partner anymore, and either they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or they would want to look for the ‘feeling of love’ in other love affairs/relationships with other people.

For example, A and B is in a so called ‘committed’ relationship, while B is also having an open or secret love affair/relationship with C.

In such relationship that involved ‘third party’, most people would think that A is the ‘victim’, while B and C are the ‘selfish and immoral’ bad people that are hurting A. A should deserved sympathy and support from others, while B and C should be blamed and condemned for being ‘selfish and immoral and hurtful’. But for those who understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, no one is being a ‘victim’ and no one is being ‘selfish/immoral/hurtful’ bad people in a broken/complicated relationship.

There’s neither right nor wrong in ‘love relationship’ even if it’s ‘broken’, whether with or without involving third party. It’s just a relationship didn’t turn out to be the way that most people desire/expect it to be, as well as there’s no ‘love’ in such relationship. And there’s nothing wrong if there’s no ‘love’, or an expected relationship is non-existing, or a relationship is discontinued, for any reason.

If there’s love in the relationship, the relationship won’t be broken/damaged, it’s either a relationship that continues or discontinued/came to an end, due to any reason, in peace. If there’s love from oneself towards the partner, one will have loving kindness, self-control and decency to not commit in any behavior that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner in the relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Even if there’s ‘feeling of love’ in the relationship in the beginning, and the ‘feeling of love’ is impermanent, it will change and disappear. But, if there’s love, then even though sometimes the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or not there anymore, one will still be kind to the partner in the relationship with oneself, and would not behave in the way that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner, not because of the sense of ‘commitment’ or ‘obligation’ towards a ‘committed’ relationship, but out of loving kindness.

There’s nothing wrong either if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry thinking and believing oneself is being ‘a victim’ of other people’s unloving/unfaithful/hurtful/immoral behavior. Everyone has the rights and freedom to feel what they want to feel and react the way that they want to react. But then, one must also understand that if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry, it’s because one doesn’t really love the partner as he/she is, one only loves one’s desire and expectation towards the partner and the relationship has to be in certain ways. One has desire and expectation towards the relationship and the partner to be in certain way, and when things turn out to be not the way that one desires or expects, when one is getting something that one doesn’t like, doesn’t want and doesn’t agree with, and when one is losing what one likes (the relationship and the partner being in certain ways that one desires it to be), or what one likes (the perfect faithful loving partner/relationship) is no longer available, or is ‘disturbed’, or has changed into something else, that’s why one feels hurt/disappointed/angry. It’s not because the partner or the relationship is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ that cause the ‘hurts/disappointment/anger’ in oneself, but, it’s because one doesn’t love the partner as he/she is, but only loves what one likes/desires/expects.

It’s how everyone/human beings/the untrained egoistic minds react towards ‘ungratified desires’ of “This is not what I like and want and expect.”, or “I am not getting what I like and want, but I’m getting what I don’t like and don’t want.” or “This is something wrong/bad/hurtful/undeserving happening to me.”

If there’s correct understanding towards ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, then there would be no hard/hurtful/bitter feelings where people can let go the relationship in peace, one won’t see oneself as ‘a victim of the unfaithfulness/betrayal of the partner in a broken relationship’ or ‘a victim of the intrusion of the lover of one’s partner that causes my relationship to be broken’. And there’s no blame or condemn towards the partner and the lover that they should be guilty for being ‘the selfish bad people that cause this relationship to be broken/damaged’.

This is really nothing to do with whether the partner and his/her lover in the love affair/relationship are being ‘selfish’, ‘unfaithful’, ‘disloyal’, ‘immoral’, ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, or not. It’s about how oneself thinks, understands, feels and reacts being in such situation, where one’s partner is involved in a love affair/relationship with another person.

If a person would commit in a love affair/relationship with another person other than the one in a relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly, it indicates that this person doesn’t really ‘love’ the partner. He/she loves it’s desire for satisfaction. When he/she is not satisfied with his/her partner, when he/she is not getting what it desires/expects from the partner, he/she will be looking for something/someone else to gratify its desire for satisfaction, love, passion, pleasure, interaction, or lust. And that’s common ‘human’s nature’, or the normal behavior of the untrained minds under the influence of desires.

Everyone has the rights or freedom whether they want to love anyone, or don’t want to love anyone, or stop loving someone, or having too much ‘feeling of love’ that needs to be shared with many people at the same time, or want to be in many different love affairs/relationships at one time, or whether they are satisfied/dissatisfied being in a ‘committed’ relationship with somebody.

If one truly loves the partner in the relationship with oneself, one will love this person as he/she is, even if the partner doesn’t love oneself, or stop loving oneself, or being ‘the god/goddess of love’ who needs to ‘love’ as many people as possible. One doesn’t need to be in a relationship with this person, to possess this person to be mine. One doesn’t expect this person to be faithful and loyal, or expect the love from this person doesn’t change, or won’t disappear, or ‘should be for me only’. One allows this person to have or don’t have the ‘feeling of love’ for oneself, or stop loving oneself, or doesn’t love oneself, or prefer to love and be with someone else. One can let go the person that doesn’t love oneself, or let go a relationship that doesn’t have ‘love’ or couldn’t continue, in peace, and allow this person to love and be with other people that he/she loves.

One won’t feel hurt/disappointed/angry towards the partner who doesn’t love oneself or towards the relationship that is not the way that how most people would like it to be. Because if the partner loves oneself, then there’s no need any expectation from oneself, without the sense of obligation to be committed and be faithful in a relationship with oneself, but out of loving kindness towards oneself, he/she will have self-control and decency, where he/she will not do anything that would cause ‘hurts’ or ‘damages’ to oneself or this relationship, not even behind one’s knowledge, regardless of whether there’s the ‘feeling of love’ existing, or not. One would know how to ‘keep a respectful distance’ with others who have the tendency to ‘fall in love’ with oneself, as one doesn’t need to look for satisfaction in ‘love affairs/relationships’.

One cannot expect ‘love’ from anyone, but allowing others whether to ‘love’ oneself, or not. One cannot expect how other people should love oneself or behave in a relationship, but allowing others to love us the way as they are. There’s no such thing as “Once you love me and being in a ‘committed’ relationship with me, you will have to be forever faithful and loyal to me, and loving me only.” And if, one realizes that the partner doesn’t love oneself, one can choose to continue or let go the relationship, in peace, without bitterness. There’s neither right nor wrong, either way.

There’s even no need of ‘forgiveness’, if one truly loves the partner as he/she is, even if the partner is being unfaithful, as one is undisturbed/unhurt by the partner’s ‘unfaithfulness’ at all, but would let go of him/her and the relationship. One doesn’t feel bad about oneself or thinking that one is not good enough, if the partner doesn’t love oneself, if one knows love.

Unfortunately, many people couldn’t let go in peace, and be disturbed by hard/hurtful/bitter/angry feelings that doesn’t help to make things better, and might do things that hurt oneself or the partner and the people whom the partner loves.

There’s nothing wrong if one realizes that oneself doesn’t love the partner, and one should be honest and straightforward to let this person knows that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t feel love for you.” or “I don’t want to be with you in a relationship.” or “I want to be with someone else.” This honesty won’t hurt, if people are matured enough to understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’. But it would cause deeper ‘hurts/disappointment/anger/hatred’ by being untruthful to oneself and the partner, pretending that one loves the partner very much, but in truth, one doesn’t love the partner, and one won’t be satisfied being with that partner, and would try to find satisfaction in some other love affairs/relationships with other lovers. People who are matured enough would let go the person whom they love very much to be with the people whom this person loves, in peace. That’s love.

When two people don’t hurt one another out of dissatisfaction/disappointment/anger/hurts, then even though there’s no ‘feeling of love’ from one or both of them, or they are not in a relationship, that’s love. Where/what is love, if one or two people keep hurting each other out of feeling of hurts/anger/disappointment being in a relationship that is not the way that they like it to be?

If people are not matured enough to accept ‘honesty’ or ‘the truth’ in peace, when people whom they think they love very much are being honest and straightforward telling them that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.” or “I want to love and be with someone else.”, then it’s their own responsibility if they don’t like that honesty or the truth, and react with feeling hurt/disappointed/angry for losing what they like and want, or not getting what they like and want, but getting what they don’t like and don’t want. And this relationship won’t be peaceful and harmony anyway, even if they continue to be in a relationship, because they don’t really love whom they think they love very much. There will be lots of ‘tension’ and ‘unhappiness’ derived from ‘ungratified desires’ and ‘expectation’ in this relationship all the time.

Be free, to love or be loved, or not.

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Love and Relationship

One might be in a relationship with another one, but there’s no love.

One might have love for another one, but there’s no relationship involved.

One might think and say to another one, “I love you.”

It will be true if it is unconditional and won’t change even though impermanent changes occur in everything and every moment.

It is not true if it is conditional and will change when impermanent changes occur in certain things and through time, with a mixture feelings of affection and love with anger, hatred, jealousy, unhappiness, hurt, dissatisfaction, disappointment, doubt, fear and worry.

One might think and feel that one loves another one, but the truth is, one only loves what one likes and wants. One doesn’t love the one whom one thinks one loves. Neither does one loves oneself.

There is only egoistic personal desires, craving and clinging onto what the ego likes and wants in most relationships that involve mixtures feelings and affliction.

Only when one is completely be free from egoism, then one knows how to love oneself and love another one, without egoistic personal desires, craving and clinging.

Most people have one or many relationship, but without love, they attach and cling onto one another for getting what each likes and wants. When either one or both didn’t get what they like and want, the relationship breaks apart.

When two beings are being together, without clinging or rely onto one another for gratifying personal desires, it is love that keeps them stay together naturally.

If one of the two beings in a relationship doesn’t have love, then there will be affliction arise in this being when one doesn’t get what one likes and wants from the relationship.

May all be free.

Can’t expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves…

Love ourselves is when we know how to free our minds from ignorance and all the by-products of ignorance. Being free from ignorance, we will know how to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and towards other beings who are not free from suffering due to ignorance.

It’s nothing to do with self-pampering in pleasurable physical or mental enjoyments.

Although we might attain some fleeting satisfaction and happy feelings by regularly improving or upgrading our knowledge, professional skills, physical appearance, health and fitness condition, social and financial status, to attain higher quality of life or living standard, or by indulging in pleasurable physical or mental enjoyments, we might still be restless and be disturbed by impurities, if the mind is not free from ignorance and its by-products.

When the mind is free from ignorance, we do not expect others to love us, to feel being loved, but allow others to love us or not, out of their freedom.

We can’t expect others to love us when we don’t even love ourselves, or expect those who love us to love us in certain ways that we want them to love us, when we keep harming our body and mind with so much impurities derived from egoism, attachment, identification, desires, craving and aversion under the influence of ignorance, whether being aware of it, or not.

May all be free.

Anger and hatred in love relationship?

Some people came to my blog with the search word “Anger and hatred in love relationship”

If someone feels very unhappy, disturbed, or depressed being in a relationship, and has anger and hatred towards the partner by blaming his or her partner as the one who is responsible for his or her unhappiness, constantly thinking and believing that his or her partner doesn’t love or care for him or her, or is being abusive towards him or her, at the same time, out of anger and hatred, he or she is constantly bitching about his or her partner to his or her friends, then there is something not quite right in this relationship.

If the partner is truly so bad and nasty, this person has a choice to step out from this relationship, move on and be free from all the unhappiness for being in that relationship with that partner. But then if this person tells himself or herself and other people, that he or she ‘loves’ the partner very much, and doesn’t want to let this relationship go, then there is something really not right here with this relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with being angry towards something that we don’t agree with, don’t like and don’t want, but there’s something not right if we have persistent anger, hatred and fear towards the person who is in the relationship with us, and we need to bitch about our partner. How can we say we love our partner very much when we bitch about him or her out of anger and hatred? This is not because our partner doesn’t love us. But we don’t really love ourselves and neither do we love our partner. We are unhappy, angry and hating is because we couldn’t get the relationship the way that we want it to be, and we couldn’t get our partner to behave and treat us the way that we like it to be. We didn’t get what we like and want, but we are getting something that we don’t like and don’t want from being in the relationship. It’s all about my desires, my happiness, my satisfaction, what I like and what I want.

It’s like, “I love this relationship because it gives me certain things that I want, and I don’t want to let it go. I also hate this relationship because I couldn’t get some other things that I want for being in this relationship.”

If the partner is truly so bad, doesn’t love or care for us, and being in the relationship is so unhappy and disharmony for us, but for some reasons, out of personal interests or desires, we still want to be in that relationship or being reluctant to let go of the relationship, it shows that there is a problem, but it is not with the partner, it is with us.

Move on. If truly our partner doesn’t love us, and is abusing and hurting us whether physically, or mentally, or emotionally. It’s meaningless to continue to be in such relationship.

Move on. If life is so miserable by having this relationship, or life can be happier without this relationship.

If we realized that it is our own responsibility, and we think we love our partner, and we still want to be in the relationship, then we need to work on ourselves, learn how to love and accept ourselves as we are, without expecting the relationship or our partner to fulfill our desires.

Be happy.

Love vs possessiveness

When we tell somebody, “I love you…”
Do we really love this person? Or we love the qualities in this person that we like and agree with? Or we love what we like and want from this person?

And when we tell this person whom we love, “I want to be in a relationship with you…”
Do we really just want to be with this person? Or we want to possess this person to be ‘mine’? Or we love what we like and want from being in a relationship with this person?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Out of ‘love’ towards a person or an object, naturally we (the ego) will have the desire to ‘own’ this person or this object to be ‘mine’.

Out of this ‘love’ or more accurately, possessiveness, we will have fear of losing this person or this object.

When somebody or something comes in between this person or this object and ‘I’, ‘I’ will be very unhappy and angry.

For example, if we are in a relationship with somebody, and one day our partner fell in love with another person. He or she desires to be with the other person and doesn’t want to continue to be in the relationship with us anymore. Or there’s no third party, but just simply because our partner stops having passionate love feelings for us.

Our mind is being conditioned to react in certain ways. We (the ego) might feel hurt, disappointed and sad, and we might do something ignorant that will hurt ourselves and some other people. Or we will feel very hurt, disappointed and angry, and have anger and hatred towards our partner for stopped loving us or being ‘unfaithful’ to us, and be angry and jealous towards the other person who has ‘taken away’ the person whom ‘I’ love very much, and we might say or do something that will hurt ourselves, and hurt our partner and the other person.

As our mind is being conditioned to think how a relationship should be like. We expect the person in the relationship with us should be faithful and loyal to us, or there should be some sorts of commitment between the two of us, and we should be faithful and loyal to each other.

Our mind also being conditioned to think that if we don’t ‘love’ our partner so much, we won’t be feeling so unhappy, if our partner wants to be with another person. And because we ‘love’ our partner so much, that’s why we feel so hurt. People like to say, the stronger the love is, the deeper the hatred will be. But this doesn’t seem right. Why?

If we truly love our partner, we love him or her unconditionally, without expecting him or her to love us in return, or love us the way that we want them to love us. We will only wish him or her happiness. Even if he or she chooses to be with another person and not us. We will let go of him or her in peace, as he or she feels that to be with the other person is more happy than to be with us. We wish him or her peace and happiness for being with the person that he or she loves, if we truly love him or her unconditionally.

There won’t be any disappointment, anger, hurt or jealousy if we truly love somebody unconditionally. As if we are over-powered by anger and jealousy, we might say or do something that will hurt our partner and the person whom he or she loves. Then how can we say we ‘love’ our partner, if we will do or say something that will hurt him or her, and the person whom he or she loves so much? It clearly indicates that we don’t really love our partner, but we only want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if somebody is going to take away something that belongs to ‘I’, ‘I’ will be angry and unhappy.

Out of attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person in the relationship with us, we feel the need to ‘protect’ this relationship, we will have fear and worry of losing this person and the relationship that we have. We might do something that will hurt ourselves, or the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much, and those whom he or she loves so much, when things don’t happen the way that we would like them to be.

This type of ‘love’ is purely egoistic selfish passionate possessiveness and attachment, with selfish desires and expectations. This type of selfish love only bring unhappiness in ourselves and in the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much. We are being not free to love somebody, full of doubts, jealousy, fear and worry all the time, and the person whom we ‘love’ also is not free being ‘loved’ or ‘possessed’ by us.

Only unconditional love without expectation will promote peace, happiness and freedom in ourselves and in the person whom we love.

If we need to change ourselves to be ‘somebody else’ whom we are not, or do something to please someone in order to have him or her to love us in return, then this also doesn’t bring peace and happiness. As he or she doesn’t really love us the way as we are, but will only ‘loves’ us when we behave the way that he or she likes and agrees with. Or else he or she doesn’t want to ‘love’ us anymore.

We need to allow the other person to be free to be who he or she is, without expecting he or she to be the way that we would like him or her to be.

And thus even though the qualities in us change all the time, our physical appearance, condition and abilities, our personality, feelings and behaviors, our likes and dislikes also will be changing from time to time, but we will love each other as we are, accepting all our changes as they are. We just love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

If somebody doesn’t love us, or doesn’t love us anymore, it is not because we are not good enough. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when relationship didn’t turn out ‘nicely’ as how we like it to be.

This is our yoga practice. It is in our relationships with everyone, to love without attachment, conditions or expectation. There’s no dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, frustration, fear, worry, and feelings of hurt, which derived from attachment and possessiveness.

The point is, in a true relationship, without expectation towards each other, out of each other’s own free will, they will be faithful and committed to each other, and won’t do anything that will hurt one another. It is not about one or both of them expect the other person should be faithful or expect the other person to give them what they want (For example, some people expect a faithful partner and a happy ‘perfect’ relationship that last forever). We will experience bitterness or unhappiness in any relationships is because the relationships didn’t turn out the way that we expect it to be, or the way that we think it supposed to be. We are let down, or disappointed by our own expectations. It is not because the person whom we love didn’t love us, or is not good enough.

We (the ego) are angry, disappointed and unhappy is because we didn’t get the things that we want, or things didn’t happen the way that we like it to be, or we have lost the things that we think they belong to us. It is not because our partner is not faithful to us, or doesn’t love us anymore.

For example, it is not necessarily that we will be satisfied and happy when somebody gives us something. The act of giving or receiving is not what make us feel happy and satisfied if we have strong ego and attachment. We only will feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that ‘we like’, from anybody, or when we receive anything from the people whom we ‘like’ to be receiving from. Sometimes we won’t feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that we ‘don’t like’, even if it is coming from the people whom we think we ‘love’. Or we won’t feel happy or satisfied even when we receive something that we ‘like’, but it is not coming from the people whom we want to be receiving from. If somebody whom we dislike gives us something that we like, we won’t feel the same as when it is given by someone whom we love very much. This indicates that we will only be happy and satisfied when we get what we want and the way that we want, it’s not because the person who loves us gives us something, and it’s not because the things that are given to us are something that we like. It is about the right person gives us the right thing the way that we want.

Can we see how selfish we are? We only ‘love’ the things that we like and want. We are happy and satisfied only when things happen the way that we like it to be. We don’t really ‘love’ the people whom we think we ‘love’ very much, if we have strong attachment and possessiveness, and have selfish desires and expectations from the people whom we think we ‘love’. And so, we stop blaming our partner for being ‘unfaithful’ or ‘not good enough’, or didn’t give us what we think he or she should give to us, or didn’t treat us the way that we want him or her to treat us, or didn’t give us the type of relationship that we want.

No one is obligated to be nice to another person. If we expect everyone should be nice to one another, especially when ourselves is nice to other people, and we expect other people should be grateful and thankful, and they should also be nice to us in return, we will be very disappointed, if they don’t. But if anyone will be nice to us out of loving kindness from their own free will, not because we have been nice to them, then we appreciate this loving kindness without attachment, without clinging onto this kindness, or craving for more. Without aversion or fear that this loving kindness is no longer available. As true loving kindness is not about something ‘in exchange’ for something. It’s not about give and take.

Be grateful for other people being nice to us out of loving kindness, not because they are obligated to be nice to us, because we have been nice to them. Give without expecting anything in return, although something might come back to us naturally, but not necessarily the way that we expect it to be. Give out of love, not because we are obligated to give back something in return after we receive something. Be nice without expecting any kind of nice reactions in return. Be nice out of love, not because we are obligated to be nice in return for other people being nice to us.

It doesn’t matter there’s nobody shows gratitude or appreciation for what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like or are dissatisfied with what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people criticize or condemn us after we give. We are not determined by praise and condemn, compliment and criticism, success and failure, if we know what is non-attachment towards our actions, and renounce the fruit of actions.

May all be free to love, and be loved.

Om shanti