Hugging and touching?

In this era of the so called modern and highly developed society, most people perceive and observe the practice/habit/culture of ‘hugging’ and ‘touching’ as a form of showing love, acceptance and friendliness among beings, while they would feel awkward, bad and wrong, or even be offended, if some people don’t have or don’t observe the practice/habit/culture of hugging and touching.

Many yoga practitioners or spiritual seekers might also think and believe that ‘open mind’ and ‘loving kindness/warmness’ means people need to be affectionately hugging and touching one another to be showing non-discrimination, non-separateness, non-intimidation, love, acceptance and friendliness towards all beings, while the absence of hugging and touching is being perceived as ‘closed mind’ and ‘unloving-kindness’/’coldness’ that portrays the quality of discrimination, separateness, intimidation, lovelessness, non-acceptance and unfriendliness. Many also believe that the lack of hugging or touching by another being is highly detrimental to physical, mental and emotional health. They expect all beings, especially yoga practitioners or spiritual seekers should be constantly and actively hugging and touching all other beings that they come in contact with, to show that they are genuine yoga practitioners or spiritual seekers who embrace loving kindness, who are open minded and compassionate beings, while they would be puzzled by the very few of the yoga practitioners who don’t have or don’t observe such hugging and touching habit/culture.

For yoga practitioners who truly want to open their mind, is to be free from being conditioned by such worldly egoistic thinking, belief, values and practice, where the mind understands that ‘the existence and non-existence of open mind and compassion’ is nothing to do with ‘the presence and absence of physical hugging and touching another being’, where it’s nothing bad and there’s nothing wrong with the society having and observing the hugging and touching habit/culture, especially if the minds are pure and desireless, and it’s also nothing bad and there’s nothing wrong with those who don’t have or don’t observe the hugging and touching habit/culture either. Accepting all and everyone as they are, even though certain people behave in the way that goes against the thinking, belief, values and practice of the majority of the society.

Hugging and touching or not, doesn’t really determine the presence and absence of the quality of ‘non-discrimination’, ‘non-separateness’, ‘non-intimidation’, ‘love’, ‘acceptance’ and ‘friendliness’, while the quality of non-discrimination, non-separateness, non-intimidation, love, acceptance and friendliness aren’t necessarily have to be shown/portrayed by physical contact of hugging and touching one another.

Most people would feel rejected, unloved, left-out, depressed, lonely and meaningless upon the absence of physical/mental/emotional interaction of hugging and touching from some other beings. And hence, many people would think and believe that the solution is to be actively giving and receiving affectionate hugs and touches among beings.

It’s the ignorant egoistic passionate mind that has attachment and expectation towards the appropriateness and disappropriateness in social behavior and interaction that would feel rejected, unloved, left-out, depressed, lonely, meaningless, piteous or offended upon the absence or the lack of love and affection in the form of hugging and touching from other beings.

Contemplate upon why the ancient teachings/practice of yoga emphasized on the important observation of solitude and seclusion of non-physical/mental/emotional contact and non-physical touching with any other being, where yoga practitioners and spiritual seekers were being advised to observe solitude and seclusion for a prolonged period of time, to free the mind from the worldly habitual passionate desire of craving and clinging towards love and affection, to free the mind from ignorance and egoism, to silent/annihilate the modification of the mind.

One of the common practice/observation in the Ashrams is about none should be physically touching one another regardless of among the same or different gender, especially the swamis, monks and nuns. But, nowadays, in many of the ashrams, even many ‘modernized’ swamis, monks and nuns also don’t observe this practice anymore, and they mingling intimately with one another and the people who come to the ashrams, not to say many of the householders who identify themselves as ‘yoga practitioners’ or ‘yogis’. Many ‘yoga teacher training courses’ also emphasize on the physical hands on adjustment, where the many graduated ‘certified yoga teachers’ think and believe that it’s what a good and professional yoga teacher should be doing/practicing while teaching classes and while socializing/mingling with the students or the yoga community outside of the classes to develop stronger connection and relationship among one another.

There’s nothing wrong with the worldly egoistic thinking, belief, values and practice that propagates widely about “Everyone needs love, affection, hugs and touches.” But that is not yoga practice at all, as that is indeed empowering ignorance and egoism. It’s not any different from keep feeding sugary drinks to the children or keep providing drugs to the people to make them feel ‘happy and good’ from the momentary effects of sugary drinks or drugs and from the gratification of desires by giving people what they like and want. The yoga practice is to free the mind from ignorance and egoism, to realize selflessness/oneness/non-separateness, where there’s absence of needing/craving/clinging towards physical/mental/emotional love, affection, hugs and touches from other beings. There’s no need of developing stronger connection or relationship between ‘I’ and ‘the others’ in selflessness/oneness/non-separateness, as connection or relationship doesn’t exist in selflessness/oneness/non-separateness. There’s neither ‘I’ nor ‘the others’. There’s no ‘I’ need to be healed by ‘spiritual healing hugs and touches’.

A truly ‘healthy and compassionate’ society exists along with the minds that are free from ignorance and egoism. Everyone can be kind and loving towards one another out of selfless compassion, not because everyone ‘needs’ to give and receive love and affection to and from one another through certain action in order to make the egoistic minds feel good, happy, love and meaningful, or not to feel rejected, unloved, left-out, depressed, lonely, meaningless, piteous or offended upon the absence/lack of love and affection through certain action from other beings, as the ignorant egoistic minds think and believe that it’s so bad and terrible if there’s absence/lack of any form of love and affection among one another.

Be free.

Broken /complicated relationship involving third party?

Broken/complicated relationship involving third party is not something uncommon nowadays.

There might be different kinds of situation exist in any relationship. It doesn’t matter what kind of situation, most people would think and believe and expect that two people should commit themselves to be loyal and faithful towards one another being in a ‘committed’ relationship, if oneself has no sincerity to be ‘committed’ and ‘faithful’ in a relationship, then just don’t get into a relationship with anyone, as whether wittingly or unwittingly, oneself will cause ‘hurts’ to the other person in the relationship with oneself. But in many relationships, two people have love for each other in the beginning, and want to be in a relationship together, but after some time, the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or is not there anymore, where they don’t feel love towards the partner anymore, and either they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or they would want to look for the ‘feeling of love’ in other love affairs/relationships with other people.

For example, A and B is in a so called ‘committed’ relationship, while B is also having an open or secret love affair/relationship with C.

In such relationship that involved ‘third party’, most people would think that A is the ‘victim’, while B and C are the ‘selfish and immoral’ bad people that are hurting A. A should deserved sympathy and support from others, while B and C should be blamed and condemned for being ‘selfish and immoral and hurtful’. But for those who understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, no one is being a ‘victim’ and no one is being ‘selfish/immoral/hurtful’ bad people in a broken/complicated relationship.

There’s neither right nor wrong in ‘love relationship’ even if it’s ‘broken’, whether with or without involving third party. It’s just a relationship didn’t turn out to be the way that most people desire/expect it to be, as well as there’s no ‘love’ in such relationship. And there’s nothing wrong if there’s no ‘love’, or an expected relationship is non-existing, or a relationship is discontinued, for any reason.

If there’s love in the relationship, the relationship won’t be broken/damaged, it’s either a relationship that continues or discontinued/came to an end, due to any reason, in peace. If there’s love from oneself towards the partner, one will have loving kindness, self-control and decency to not commit in any behavior that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner in the relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Even if there’s ‘feeling of love’ in the relationship in the beginning, and the ‘feeling of love’ is impermanent, it will change and disappear. But, if there’s love, then even though sometimes the ‘feeling of love’ is less, or not there anymore, one will still be kind to the partner in the relationship with oneself, and would not behave in the way that would be ‘hurtful’ to the partner, not because of the sense of ‘commitment’ or ‘obligation’ towards a ‘committed’ relationship, but out of loving kindness.

There’s nothing wrong either if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry thinking and believing oneself is being ‘a victim’ of other people’s unloving/unfaithful/hurtful/immoral behavior. Everyone has the rights and freedom to feel what they want to feel and react the way that they want to react. But then, one must also understand that if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry, it’s because one doesn’t really love the partner as he/she is, one only loves one’s desire and expectation towards the partner and the relationship has to be in certain ways. One has desire and expectation towards the relationship and the partner to be in certain way, and when things turn out to be not the way that one desires or expects, when one is getting something that one doesn’t like, doesn’t want and doesn’t agree with, and when one is losing what one likes (the relationship and the partner being in certain ways that one desires it to be), or what one likes (the perfect faithful loving partner/relationship) is no longer available, or is ‘disturbed’, or has changed into something else, that’s why one feels hurt/disappointed/angry. It’s not because the partner or the relationship is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ that cause the ‘hurts/disappointment/anger’ in oneself, but, it’s because one doesn’t love the partner as he/she is, but only loves what one likes/desires/expects.

It’s how everyone/human beings/the untrained egoistic minds react towards ‘ungratified desires’ of “This is not what I like and want and expect.”, or “I am not getting what I like and want, but I’m getting what I don’t like and don’t want.” or “This is something wrong/bad/hurtful/undeserving happening to me.”

If there’s correct understanding towards ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, then there would be no hard/hurtful/bitter feelings where people can let go the relationship in peace, one won’t see oneself as ‘a victim of the unfaithfulness/betrayal of the partner in a broken relationship’ or ‘a victim of the intrusion of the lover of one’s partner that causes my relationship to be broken’. And there’s no blame or condemn towards the partner and the lover that they should be guilty for being ‘the selfish bad people that cause this relationship to be broken/damaged’.

This is really nothing to do with whether the partner and his/her lover in the love affair/relationship are being ‘selfish’, ‘unfaithful’, ‘disloyal’, ‘immoral’, ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, or not. It’s about how oneself thinks, understands, feels and reacts being in such situation, where one’s partner is involved in a love affair/relationship with another person.

If a person would commit in a love affair/relationship with another person other than the one in a relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly, it indicates that this person doesn’t really ‘love’ the partner. He/she loves it’s desire for satisfaction. When he/she is not satisfied with his/her partner, when he/she is not getting what it desires/expects from the partner, he/she will be looking for something/someone else to gratify its desire for satisfaction, love, passion, pleasure, interaction, or lust. And that’s common ‘human’s nature’, or the normal behavior of the untrained minds under the influence of desires.

Everyone has the rights or freedom whether they want to love anyone, or don’t want to love anyone, or stop loving someone, or having too much ‘feeling of love’ that needs to be shared with many people at the same time, or want to be in many different love affairs/relationships at one time, or whether they are satisfied/dissatisfied being in a ‘committed’ relationship with somebody.

If one truly loves the partner in the relationship with oneself, one will love this person as he/she is, even if the partner doesn’t love oneself, or stop loving oneself, or being ‘the god/goddess of love’ who needs to ‘love’ as many people as possible. One doesn’t need to be in a relationship with this person, to possess this person to be mine. One doesn’t expect this person to be faithful and loyal, or expect the love from this person doesn’t change, or won’t disappear, or ‘should be for me only’. One allows this person to have or don’t have the ‘feeling of love’ for oneself, or stop loving oneself, or doesn’t love oneself, or prefer to love and be with someone else. One can let go the person that doesn’t love oneself, or let go a relationship that doesn’t have ‘love’ or couldn’t continue, in peace, and allow this person to love and be with other people that he/she loves.

One won’t feel hurt/disappointed/angry towards the partner who doesn’t love oneself or towards the relationship that is not the way that how most people would like it to be. Because if the partner loves oneself, then there’s no need any expectation from oneself, without the sense of obligation to be committed and be faithful in a relationship with oneself, but out of loving kindness towards oneself, he/she will have self-control and decency, where he/she will not do anything that would cause ‘hurts’ or ‘damages’ to oneself or this relationship, not even behind one’s knowledge, regardless of whether there’s the ‘feeling of love’ existing, or not. One would know how to ‘keep a respectful distance’ with others who have the tendency to ‘fall in love’ with oneself, as one doesn’t need to look for satisfaction in ‘love affairs/relationships’.

One cannot expect ‘love’ from anyone, but allowing others whether to ‘love’ oneself, or not. One cannot expect how other people should love oneself or behave in a relationship, but allowing others to love us the way as they are. There’s no such thing as “Once you love me and being in a ‘committed’ relationship with me, you will have to be forever faithful and loyal to me, and loving me only.” And if, one realizes that the partner doesn’t love oneself, one can choose to continue or let go the relationship, in peace, without bitterness. There’s neither right nor wrong, either way.

There’s even no need of ‘forgiveness’, if one truly loves the partner as he/she is, even if the partner is being unfaithful, as one is undisturbed/unhurt by the partner’s ‘unfaithfulness’ at all, but would let go of him/her and the relationship. One doesn’t feel bad about oneself or thinking that one is not good enough, if the partner doesn’t love oneself, if one knows love.

Unfortunately, many people couldn’t let go in peace, and be disturbed by hard/hurtful/bitter/angry feelings that doesn’t help to make things better, and might do things that hurt oneself or the partner and the people whom the partner loves.

There’s nothing wrong if one realizes that oneself doesn’t love the partner, and one should be honest and straightforward to let this person knows that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t feel love for you.” or “I don’t want to be with you in a relationship.” or “I want to be with someone else.” This honesty won’t hurt, if people are matured enough to understand ‘love’ and ‘relationship’. But it would cause deeper ‘hurts/disappointment/anger/hatred’ by being untruthful to oneself and the partner, pretending that one loves the partner very much, but in truth, one doesn’t love the partner, and one won’t be satisfied being with that partner, and would try to find satisfaction in some other love affairs/relationships with other lovers. People who are matured enough would let go the person whom they love very much to be with the people whom this person loves, in peace. That’s love.

When two people don’t hurt one another out of dissatisfaction/disappointment/anger/hurts, then even though there’s no ‘feeling of love’ from one or both of them, or they are not in a relationship, that’s love. Where/what is love, if one or two people keep hurting each other out of feeling of hurts/anger/disappointment being in a relationship that is not the way that they like it to be?

If people are not matured enough to accept ‘honesty’ or ‘the truth’ in peace, when people whom they think they love very much are being honest and straightforward telling them that “I don’t love you.” or “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.” or “I want to love and be with someone else.”, then it’s their own responsibility if they don’t like that honesty or the truth, and react with feeling hurt/disappointed/angry for losing what they like and want, or not getting what they like and want, but getting what they don’t like and don’t want. And this relationship won’t be peaceful and harmony anyway, even if they continue to be in a relationship, because they don’t really love whom they think they love very much. There will be lots of ‘tension’ and ‘unhappiness’ derived from ‘ungratified desires’ and ‘expectation’ in this relationship all the time.

Be free, to love or be loved, or not.

Love and Relationship

One might be in a relationship with another one, but there’s no love.

One might have love for another one, but there’s no relationship involved.

One might think and say to another one, “I love you.”

It will be true if it is unconditional and won’t change even though impermanent changes occur in everything and every moment.

It is not true if it is conditional and will change when impermanent changes occur in certain things and through time, with a mixture feelings of affection and love with anger, hatred, jealousy, unhappiness, hurt, dissatisfaction, disappointment, doubt, fear and worry.

One might think and feel that one loves another one, but the truth is, one only loves what one likes and wants. One doesn’t love the one whom one thinks one loves. Neither does one loves oneself.

There is only egoistic personal desires, craving and clinging onto what the ego likes and wants in most relationships that involve mixtures feelings and affliction.

Only when one is completely be free from egoism, then one knows how to love oneself and love another one, without egoistic personal desires, craving and clinging.

Most people have one or many relationship, but without love, they attach and cling onto one another for getting what each likes and wants. When either one or both didn’t get what they like and want, the relationship breaks apart.

When two beings are being together, without clinging or rely onto one another for gratifying personal desires, it is love that keeps them stay together naturally.

If one of the two beings in a relationship doesn’t have love, then there will be affliction arise in this being when one doesn’t get what one likes and wants from the relationship.

May all be free.

Can’t expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves…

Love ourselves is when we know how to free our minds from ignorance and all the by-products of ignorance. Being free from ignorance, we will know how to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and towards other beings who are not free from suffering due to ignorance.

It’s nothing to do with self-pampering in pleasurable physical or mental enjoyments.

Although we might attain some fleeting satisfaction and happy feelings by regularly improving or upgrading our knowledge, professional skills, physical appearance, health and fitness condition, social and financial status, to attain higher quality of life or living standard, or by indulging in pleasurable physical or mental enjoyments, we might still be restless and be disturbed by impurities, if the mind is not free from ignorance and its by-products.

When the mind is free from ignorance, we do not expect others to love us, to feel being loved, but allow others to love us or not, out of their freedom.

We can’t expect others to love us when we don’t even love ourselves, or expect those who love us to love us in certain ways that we want them to love us, when we keep harming our body and mind with so much impurities derived from egoism, attachment, identification, desires, craving and aversion under the influence of ignorance, whether being aware of it, or not.

May all be free.

Anger and hatred in love relationship?

Some people came to my blog with the search word “Anger and hatred in love relationship”

If someone feels very unhappy, disturbed, or depressed being in a relationship, and has anger and hatred towards the partner by blaming his or her partner as the one who is responsible for his or her unhappiness, constantly thinking and believing that his or her partner doesn’t love or care for him or her, or is being abusive towards him or her, at the same time, out of anger and hatred, he or she is constantly bitching about his or her partner to his or her friends, then there is something not quite right in this relationship.

If the partner is truly so bad and nasty, this person has a choice to step out from this relationship, move on and be free from all the unhappiness for being in that relationship with that partner. But then if this person tells himself or herself and other people, that he or she ‘loves’ the partner very much, and doesn’t want to let this relationship go, then there is something really not right here with this relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with being angry towards something that we don’t agree with, don’t like and don’t want, but there’s something not right if we have persistent anger, hatred and fear towards the person who is in the relationship with us, and we need to bitch about our partner. How can we say we love our partner very much when we bitch about him or her out of anger and hatred? This is not because our partner doesn’t love us. But we don’t really love ourselves and neither do we love our partner. We are unhappy, angry and hating is because we couldn’t get the relationship the way that we want it to be, and we couldn’t get our partner to behave and treat us the way that we like it to be. We didn’t get what we like and want, but we are getting something that we don’t like and don’t want from being in the relationship. It’s all about my desires, my happiness, my satisfaction, what I like and what I want.

It’s like, “I love this relationship because it gives me certain things that I want, and I don’t want to let it go. I also hate this relationship because I couldn’t get some other things that I want for being in this relationship.”

If the partner is truly so bad, doesn’t love or care for us, and being in the relationship is so unhappy and disharmony for us, but for some reasons, out of personal interests or desires, we still want to be in that relationship or being reluctant to let go of the relationship, it shows that there is a problem, but it is not with the partner, it is with us.

Move on. If truly our partner doesn’t love us, and is abusing and hurting us whether physically, or mentally, or emotionally. It’s meaningless to continue to be in such relationship.

Move on. If life is so miserable by having this relationship, or life can be happier without this relationship.

If we realized that it is our own responsibility, and we think we love our partner, and we still want to be in the relationship, then we need to work on ourselves, learn how to love and accept ourselves as we are, without expecting the relationship or our partner to fulfill our desires.

Be happy.

Love vs possessiveness

When we tell somebody, “I love you…”
Do we really love this person? Or we love the qualities in this person that we like and agree with? Or we love what we like and want from this person?

And when we tell this person whom we love, “I want to be in a relationship with you…”
Do we really just want to be with this person? Or we want to possess this person to be ‘mine’? Or we love what we like and want from being in a relationship with this person?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Out of ‘love’ towards a person or an object, naturally we (the ego) will have the desire to ‘own’ this person or this object to be ‘mine’.

Out of this ‘love’ or more accurately, possessiveness, we will have fear of losing this person or this object.

When somebody or something comes in between this person or this object and ‘I’, ‘I’ will be very unhappy and angry.

For example, if we are in a relationship with somebody, and one day our partner fell in love with another person. He or she desires to be with the other person and doesn’t want to continue to be in the relationship with us anymore. Or there’s no third party, but just simply because our partner stops having passionate love feelings for us.

Our mind is being conditioned to react in certain ways. We (the ego) might feel hurt, disappointed and sad, and we might do something ignorant that will hurt ourselves and some other people. Or we will feel very hurt, disappointed and angry, and have anger and hatred towards our partner for stopped loving us or being ‘unfaithful’ to us, and be angry and jealous towards the other person who has ‘taken away’ the person whom ‘I’ love very much, and we might say or do something that will hurt ourselves, and hurt our partner and the other person.

As our mind is being conditioned to think how a relationship should be like. We expect the person in the relationship with us should be faithful and loyal to us, or there should be some sorts of commitment between the two of us, and we should be faithful and loyal to each other.

Our mind also being conditioned to think that if we don’t ‘love’ our partner so much, we won’t be feeling so unhappy, if our partner wants to be with another person. And because we ‘love’ our partner so much, that’s why we feel so hurt. People like to say, the stronger the love is, the deeper the hatred will be. But this doesn’t seem right. Why?

If we truly love our partner, we love him or her unconditionally, without expecting him or her to love us in return, or love us the way that we want them to love us. We will only wish him or her happiness. Even if he or she chooses to be with another person and not us. We will let go of him or her in peace, as he or she feels that to be with the other person is more happy than to be with us. We wish him or her peace and happiness for being with the person that he or she loves, if we truly love him or her unconditionally.

There won’t be any disappointment, anger, hurt or jealousy if we truly love somebody unconditionally. As if we are over-powered by anger and jealousy, we might say or do something that will hurt our partner and the person whom he or she loves. Then how can we say we ‘love’ our partner, if we will do or say something that will hurt him or her, and the person whom he or she loves so much? It clearly indicates that we don’t really love our partner, but we only want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if somebody is going to take away something that belongs to ‘I’, ‘I’ will be angry and unhappy.

Out of attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person in the relationship with us, we feel the need to ‘protect’ this relationship, we will have fear and worry of losing this person and the relationship that we have. We might do something that will hurt ourselves, or the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much, and those whom he or she loves so much, when things don’t happen the way that we would like them to be.

This type of ‘love’ is purely egoistic selfish passionate possessiveness and attachment, with selfish desires and expectations. This type of selfish love only bring unhappiness in ourselves and in the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much. We are being not free to love somebody, full of doubts, jealousy, fear and worry all the time, and the person whom we ‘love’ also is not free being ‘loved’ or ‘possessed’ by us.

Only unconditional love without expectation will promote peace, happiness and freedom in ourselves and in the person whom we love.

If we need to change ourselves to be ‘somebody else’ whom we are not, or do something to please someone in order to have him or her to love us in return, then this also doesn’t bring peace and happiness. As he or she doesn’t really love us the way as we are, but will only ‘loves’ us when we behave the way that he or she likes and agrees with. Or else he or she doesn’t want to ‘love’ us anymore.

We need to allow the other person to be free to be who he or she is, without expecting he or she to be the way that we would like him or her to be.

And thus even though the qualities in us change all the time, our physical appearance, condition and abilities, our personality, feelings and behaviors, our likes and dislikes also will be changing from time to time, but we will love each other as we are, accepting all our changes as they are. We just love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

If somebody doesn’t love us, or doesn’t love us anymore, it is not because we are not good enough. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when relationship didn’t turn out ‘nicely’ as how we like it to be.

This is our yoga practice. It is in our relationships with everyone, to love without attachment, conditions or expectation. There’s no dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, frustration, fear, worry, and feelings of hurt, which derived from attachment and possessiveness.

The point is, in a true relationship, without expectation towards each other, out of each other’s own free will, they will be faithful and committed to each other, and won’t do anything that will hurt one another. It is not about one or both of them expect the other person should be faithful or expect the other person to give them what they want (For example, some people expect a faithful partner and a happy ‘perfect’ relationship that last forever). We will experience bitterness or unhappiness in any relationships is because the relationships didn’t turn out the way that we expect it to be, or the way that we think it supposed to be. We are let down, or disappointed by our own expectations. It is not because the person whom we love didn’t love us, or is not good enough.

We (the ego) are angry, disappointed and unhappy is because we didn’t get the things that we want, or things didn’t happen the way that we like it to be, or we have lost the things that we think they belong to us. It is not because our partner is not faithful to us, or doesn’t love us anymore.

For example, it is not necessarily that we will be satisfied and happy when somebody gives us something. The act of giving or receiving is not what make us feel happy and satisfied if we have strong ego and attachment. We only will feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that ‘we like’, from anybody, or when we receive anything from the people whom we ‘like’ to be receiving from. Sometimes we won’t feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that we ‘don’t like’, even if it is coming from the people whom we think we ‘love’. Or we won’t feel happy or satisfied even when we receive something that we ‘like’, but it is not coming from the people whom we want to be receiving from. If somebody whom we dislike gives us something that we like, we won’t feel the same as when it is given by someone whom we love very much. This indicates that we will only be happy and satisfied when we get what we want and the way that we want, it’s not because the person who loves us gives us something, and it’s not because the things that are given to us are something that we like. It is about the right person gives us the right thing the way that we want.

Can we see how selfish we are? We only ‘love’ the things that we like and want. We are happy and satisfied only when things happen the way that we like it to be. We don’t really ‘love’ the people whom we think we ‘love’ very much, if we have strong attachment and possessiveness, and have selfish desires and expectations from the people whom we think we ‘love’. And so, we stop blaming our partner for being ‘unfaithful’ or ‘not good enough’, or didn’t give us what we think he or she should give to us, or didn’t treat us the way that we want him or her to treat us, or didn’t give us the type of relationship that we want.

No one is obligated to be nice to another person. If we expect everyone should be nice to one another, especially when ourselves is nice to other people, and we expect other people should be grateful and thankful, and they should also be nice to us in return, we will be very disappointed, if they don’t. But if anyone will be nice to us out of loving kindness from their own free will, not because we have been nice to them, then we appreciate this loving kindness without attachment, without clinging onto this kindness, or craving for more. Without aversion or fear that this loving kindness is no longer available. As true loving kindness is not about something ‘in exchange’ for something. It’s not about give and take.

Be grateful for other people being nice to us out of loving kindness, not because they are obligated to be nice to us, because we have been nice to them. Give without expecting anything in return, although something might come back to us naturally, but not necessarily the way that we expect it to be. Give out of love, not because we are obligated to give back something in return after we receive something. Be nice without expecting any kind of nice reactions in return. Be nice out of love, not because we are obligated to be nice in return for other people being nice to us.

It doesn’t matter there’s nobody shows gratitude or appreciation for what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like or are dissatisfied with what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people criticize or condemn us after we give. We are not determined by praise and condemn, compliment and criticism, success and failure, if we know what is non-attachment towards our actions, and renounce the fruit of actions.

May all be free to love, and be loved.

Om shanti

Love relationships – Want to love, and be loved?

When someone is in love with another person, it’s natural that one has the ‘desire’ to be loved by that person, and if the other person also has the ‘desire’ to love this person, and to be in a relationship with this person, one ‘expects’ that being in a relationship means there should be ‘commitment’ among them towards each other, one starts to have the ‘possessiveness’ to ‘own’ the other person and the relationship, thinking that this person is in a relationship with ‘I’, this relationship belongs to ‘I’, this person is ‘mine’, this person should be faithful and loyal to ‘I’.

One also has the great expectation that since ‘I’ love you so much, you should be loving me as much as ‘I’ love you, and expect the relationship to be the way that ‘I’ think it should be. And one gets so disappointed, upset and angry when the other person also have other ‘desires’ to be fulfilled, and those desires are nothing to do with ‘I’. Anger, hatred and jealousy over-powering the ‘love’ that we think we have for the one who we think we ‘love’. It clearly shows that we don’t really love that person, but just want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if we don’t get what we want, we are not happy and are very angry.

It also shows that we don’t love ourselves either, as we are hurting ourselves with anger, hatred and jealousy. If we don’t even love ourselves, how can we love another person ‘properly’, as we will expect that person will give us what we want that will make us feel loved and feel good?

It doesn’t have to be like this.

We can just love, and let him or her to be free to be who he or she is, and let him or her go if that is what he or she desires.

If we know how to love without any selfish desires, expectation and possessiveness, we only wish the one that we love will be happy as he or she is, whether he or she loves us or not, or had loved us but not anymore, and whether he or she loves another person and not us. We are happy as we are, as we love unconditionally. Without expecting him or her to love us the way that we want it to be.

May all who desire to love another, or be loved by another, be free to love and be loved unconditionally.

When two people truly love one another, there is no ‘commitment’ that needs to be observed. There’s no need to have faithfulness or loyalty. Naturally they will stay in that relationship, no matter they are together, or not.

By having expectation towards the one whom we think we love to be faithful and loyal to us, clearly indicates that we don’t love this person actually. We only want to fulfill our selfish desire to be loved the way that we want it to be.

Falling in love with someone whom we like very much should be something sweet, content, joyful and happy, but it is not necessarily so, if we start to have doubts, jealousy, anger, disappointment, guilt, fear and worry being in that love relationship, as we attached to that love and the relationship, have clinging onto the feelings of love and sweetness, afraid of impermanent changes, or afraid of losing it, or afraid of some other people will come into the relationship and cause disturbance and destruction in that relationship, and so on.

So unpeaceful, anxious and restless to fall in love and to be in a love relationship, if we don’t know how to love ‘freely’ without attachment and expectation. We are not free for loving someone, and the person whom we love ‘very much’ also is not free for being ‘loved’ by us.

May all beings be free to love and be loved. 

Be happy.

Confused relationship mixed with love and hatred?

We might be interested to know about “love and hatred in relationship”, maybe it is coming from our own life experience or from other people’s life experience, it is beneficial for anyone and any relationships for us to know about why a love relationship can turn sour and bitter, and have hatred towards our partner and the relationship…

From the point of view of Yoga teachings about the mind, the ego, the feelings, desires, ignorance, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, attachments, suffering, compassion and the law of impermanence, here are some explanations why there are quite many confused relationships mixed with love and hatred in the world…

Before we can love another person and get into relationship with anyone, we need to have love in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves and are happy with ourselves as we are, and not having expectation that our lover or partner will make us happy or expect the relationship will give us love and happiness…

To love ourselves, we need to be able to accept ourselves as we are in the present moment as it is… Then only we can love ourselves and be happy with our own self as we are… If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, and don’t know how to love ourselves, how is it possible for us to accept other people as they are and know how to love other people as they are? If we are not peaceful and have no love, how can we share peace and love with others?

We will be very disappointed by our own expectation, and the relationship will definitely turn sour and bitter if we expect our lover or partner or the relationship to give us love and happiness, to make us happy and be loved… It’s because nobody and no relationship can give us love and happiness… Love and happiness is coming from within ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and accepting ourselves as we are, whether we are in a relationship with someone or not…

If we don’t have love in ourselves and are not happy with our own self as we are, and trying to get love and happiness from other people or from relationship to get rid of the incompleteness and emptiness in us, then no matter how much our partner love us and be nice to us, we will never be satisfied and happy…

At the beginning of a relationship, two people must be in love with each other and decided to be in a relationship sharing life together.

But, as time goes by, impermanence strikes… Physical condition changes, appearance changes, abilities change, mentality changes, things change, environment changes, the state of mind changes, feelings change, hormones change, likes and dislikes change, what we want and don’t want change…

After spending some time together getting to know each other deeper, exposing our real personality in front of our partner, we realize that we don’t really like or love our partner as much as before, because we start to see the qualities in our partner that we don’t like about… The feeling of love become lesser and lesser, and one day, it’s completely gone… We are not in love with him or her anymore… It’s heartbreaking for our partner to know that we are not in love with them anymore, if they are still in love with us… They might get upset and be angry with us… And they have the rights and should be allowed to be upset and angry with us…

Even when we feel in love with our partner more than before as time goes by, that is because we start to see more qualities in our partner that we like about…

This is definitely nothing wrong… It is the Truth of impermanence.

It is also the Truth of “We don’t really love anyone at all, but we only fell in love with some qualities that we like and agree with in that person at that moment… Maybe it’s the physical body, the face, the entire appearance, the sexuality, the energy field, the personality, the way that he or she talks and moves, the way that he or she treats us, what he or she does, what he or she likes and dislikes, what he or she believes, how he or she thinks, and etc…”

Once those qualities in our lover or partner changed into something different from what we like and want, or when what we like and want has changed, we like and want something else, then we don’t feel love or interest in this person anymore… And from then, everything that our partner do and say will annoy us easily and this will turn into feelings of disgust and hatred towards our partner and the relationship…

When we are still in love with the qualities in our lover or partner, everything that our lover or partner say and do is nice and positive… When we stop loving the qualities in our lover or partner, then everything that our partner say and do is not nice and negative…

Our partner and the relationship doesn’t have the qualities or intention to make us happy or not happy, to give us love or not… It is the projection from our own mind’s expectation that we will be loved and be treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, then we will be happy and feel love… And if we are not being loved or treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, we will be unhappy and feel frustrated… From frustration it becomes anger, and from anger it turns into hatred…

When we say we love someone, know that we don’t really love that person… We are selfish. We only love what we like and agree with… Once it changed into something that we don’t like and don’t agree with, we don’t feel love for that person anymore and replace with disgust, disinterest and hatred, because we couldn’t find pleasure, excitement and happiness in the relationship with that person, because we cannot love him or her as he is, as she is, as changes happen in us and in our lover or partner from moment to moment… We cannot find satisfaction in our lover or partner or the relationship now, because they are not the things that we like and want anymore…

This is a cruel reality about love relationship, but it is the Truth…

So, if we feel hatred in a relationship, ask ourselves this question, “Do we really love this person?” or “Are we just in love with the qualities in that person that we like and agree with?”

If we really love this person, we won’t have hatred towards this person or this relationship… We will be able to accept our partner as he is or as she is, and able to accept the relationship as it is, even though there are constant changes in us or in our partner or in the relationship… And if we really know what is unconditional love or selfless love or unselfish love, we won’t have any expectation in getting love and happiness from our partner or from the relationship… Even if we don’t get any love in return, we are fine because we love ourselves. We have love and happiness in ourselves. We do not depend on our partner or any relationship to give us love and happiness…

And if we feel hatred, then that clearly indicates that we don’t really love this person. How can we hate someone that we really love? That indicates that we only love the image of that person that we built up for him or her, we only love the qualities that we expect from him or her, but we hate the reality of that person being what he is or what she is, but then this reality is not something that we like and want… That’s why we feel love and hatred at the same time in a love relationship…

Sometimes the feeling of hatred is not about our partner not being the person that we like and want, but it is from ourselves being dissatisfied with ourselves, looking for compliments from our partner to fulfill that imperfection or incompleteness in us, and if we couldn’t get that from our partner or from the relationship, we will be more disappointed and frustrated with ourselves, and turn that frustration and anger towards our partner and our relationship as well, blaming our partner or the relationship causing us unhappiness…

We think we are angry with our lover or partner, but actually we are angry with ourselves…

Sometimes it is just some hormonal changes in our body that generates the feeling of disgust, disinterest and hatred. That is nothing to do with whether our partner is being loving and nice to us or not. Even though our partners love us very much and treat us the way that we want them to treat us, but due to the hormone changes influencing our mood very much, we’ll still feel like “we don’t love our partner”, or “we hate our partner”, or “we hate our relationship”, or “we hate ourselves”, or “we hate our life”… If this is the case, then by changing our lifestyle, do some exercise regularly, eat some healthy choice of food, stop eating junk food, stop abusing the body and mind with unhealthy inputs, have a healthy sleeping pattern, balancing work, rest and play, will help to balance up the hormone system in our body and will change how we feel and don’t feel…

Sometimes we feel anger and hatred towards our lover or partner or the relationship, it is because our partners did something or said something that really hurt our feelings, we cannot forgive and hold on to that bitterness, and it turn into anger and hatred towards our partner for hurting us… We need to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves by letting go of anger and hatred… Forgive and let go whatever had happened… If our partner is still hurting us with his or her actions and speech, we can choose to let go of this relationship, in order to allow ourselves to heal ourselves, to love ourselves, to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and not allow ourselves continue to be abused or hurt by that person, even if we love that person very much and don’t feel like leaving him or her.

If our lover or partner really loves us, they won’t be abusing or hurting us so much… And if they really love us, but at the same time unwittingly, whether intentionally or unintentionally hurting us through actions and speech, that must be something isn’t right going on in his or her mind… He or she is in suffering. He or she is not happy, not peaceful… And if this is the case, we won’t have anger and hatred towards him or her, because we will be compassionate towards his or her situation or condition…

Some people are being over-powered by drugs or alcohol, and cannot control their own actions and speech, and generates hurts to their lover or partner, physically, mentally and emotionally… But, when they come back to sanity, they feel so guilty and regret for what they have done… If this is the case, this person needs to help himself or herself to come out from this suffering… We cannot do anything to help this person if he or she doesn’t want to help himself or herself to be free from drugs or alcohol abuse… Sometimes we have to let go this relationship, but we can continue to help this person to come out from his or her problems, if we love this person, but this action of helping is out of compassion, and not as a person in the relationship being responsible or obligated to help this person…

If our lover or partner is taking pleasure in their actions and speech to hurt us physically, mentally and emotionally, that means he or she is very sick, mentally sick… And he or she is in great suffering being totally deluded by ignorance… We should be compassionate towards him or her, and won’t be angry with him or her… We don’t have to continue to be in this relationship if we don’t want to, and let him or her takes responsibility for himself or herself… We cannot take responsibility for his or her ignorance. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves… We cannot expect our lover and partner to take responsibility for our mentality and behavior, or to remove the ignorance for us, just because they are in a relationship with us…

If things can be fixed, we can try our best to fix it. If things cannot be fixed, we have to let it go…

No matter what reasons that induce the feelings of anger and hatred in relationship, most important is that we need to be able to forgive and let go… Free ourselves, free our body and mind from anger and hatred is more important than try to please other people, or to help other people to come out from suffering, when we ourselves need to be helped and healed. We need to love ourselves, accept ourselves as we are, and then we are able to love someone else, and accept other people as they are… Even though they don’t love us or didn’t treat us the way that we want them to treat us, we will still love this person as he is or as she is, out of compassion, without asking any love and appreciation in return…

And if continue in a relationship will only bring further unhappiness and suffering onto one of us or the two of us, because we cannot change how we feel about the other person, or change how the other person feels for us, then it is better to let this relationship go… May ourselves be happy, and may our lover or partner be happy… We might meet some other people who can teach us how to love ourselves and be happy in any relationships… We allow the universe to bring us the one who is our partner and our teacher as well… Who knows maybe days later, or weeks later, or months later, or years later the two people will love each other again, and want to start a new relationship with greater understanding and unconditional love…

We should be able to be free and be happy with ourselves whether being in a relationship or not being in a relationship…

If being in a relationship that doesn’t allow us to be truthful and honest for being what we really are, then this relationship won’t last long, even though we love that person very much and want to be with that person… If we try to please the other person by presenting ourselves pretend to be somebody with the image and personality that he or she likes, we will be exhausted and unhappy… There’s no meanings in preserving this relationship…

If we are really angry with our lover or partner whether there’s a reason or there’s no reason for that anger, we should be able to let our lover or partner know that we don’t feel good and we are angry… And if he or she really loves us as we are, they won’t mind about it and will accept that in this present moment now, we are not in a good mood, and not necessarily that there is a problem in the relationship…

We don’t need to find faults nor blame anyone for our anger and unhappiness as this will energized the fire of anger and unhappiness. Even this anger and unhappiness will pass away… It’s impermanent… After a few moments, or a few days, or a few weeks, or a few months, that feeling of anger and unhappiness will be gone… Why want to ruin a fine relationship just because of some common feelings of up and down that exist in everyone, that are impermanent?

If we really love someone, we should be able to allow that person to be able to freely express his or her present feelings and emotion, and give support to him or her… Develop an open-minded understanding that sometimes (especially when we are still not being free from identification with the ego yet), we can be disturbed, we can be imbalanced, we can be fragile, we can be not so kind, we can be selfish, we can be emotional, we might have anger, we might have jealousy, we might have disappointment, we might have dissatisfaction, and etc… And through this understanding, we allow ourselves and the other person to be who we really are, to express freely and honestly how we feel, and be able to be “not so nice” and “not so loving” once in a while… We are not perfect, and we cannot expect our partner to be perfect all the time…

Go and find love and peace and contentment in our own self first, before we get into a relationship and telling our partner, “I love you…” when we don’t really love ourselves and are not happy with ourselves, and expect to find love and happiness from our partner and love relationship… Expecting our partner and love relationship will give us love and happiness to remove the feelings of loneliness and unhappiness… We will be very disappointed because our partner and the relationship cannot give us love and happiness… They cannot take away the loneliness and unhappiness in us…

Love and happiness is coming from within our self, when we are free from attachments, craving and aversion… Momentary feelings of love and happiness that come from getting what the ego likes and wants, and having our desires fulfilled, and not experience anything that we don’t like and don’t want, are conditional and impermanent… As long as craving and aversion is there, we can never be fully satisfied, or be truly happy for being what we are and accepting everything as it is…

There is nobody nor any relationships will give us love and happiness, if we don’t have love and happiness in ourselves… If we feel love and happiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we love ourselves… If we feel hate and unhappiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we don’t love ourselves…

We will be disappointed and feel frustrated in the relationship, when we realize that our partner and our relationship cannot give us the things that we want, such like love, happiness, completeness, satisfaction, pleasure, and etc…

The warm happy love feelings and satisfaction that we think they are coming from our relationship with our partner, and our partner is loving us and being nice to us, it’s conditional, it’s limited, it is not real happiness… Why? Because if there is some problems occur in our relationship, and our partner stop being loving and are not nice to us anymore, do we still feel warm happy love feelings and satisfaction? Nope, we don’t… Instead we will feel so unhappy, angry, hating and disappointed…

We feel love and happiness it’s not because our partner love us, but because they love us the way that we want them to love us… Even if our partner love us, but not love us the way that we want them to love us, we won’t be happy and satisfied. In fact, we will be angry with them… Where is love? There’s no love… We only love our own selfish intention and expectation towards our lover or partner and the relationship… When our intention and expectation is being gratified, we feel good and happy… But when our intention and expectation is not being gratified, we feel unhappy and angry… Do we still want to say that we love our lover or partner?

If we both have love and happiness within ourselves, then both of us can compliment each other without trying to expect the other person to give us love and make us happy… This type of relationship will last long, even though sometimes we have mood swing, and sometimes there are ups and downs in life…

Every time when we feel angry with our lover or partner, know that it is nothing to do with our lover or partner… It is because we are angry with the reality of things that are not the way that we like them to be… Our likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement, craving and aversion are not being gratified, that’s why we are angry and disappointed… It is not because of our partner’s behavior is not nice, but it is because we don’t like or don’t agree with the way things are, especially when our partner didn’t behave the way that we “expect” them to behave…

It is okay that sometimes we don’t feel love or we feel angry in a relationship with someone… Allow ourselves and our partner to experience impermanence of feelings and moods… Feelings of love will pass… Feelings of hatred also will pass… What remain is unconditional love that is beyond feelings of love and hatred that keeps the relationship growing and lasting…

Real love and happiness is unconditional and will not change… It is always there in us, no matter how is our relationship with someone, or how is our partner treating us, or whether our partner will fulfill our desires, or having qualities that we like and want or not…

May all be happy whether being in a relationship with someone or not…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Feelings always changing… It’s impermanent. That’s why sometimes we feel love, sometimes we don’t feel love… It’s normal.

Unconditional love is being kind and compassionate towards any beings without selfish desires, selfish intention, judgment, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, expectation and attachment… It’s selfless and unconditional…

There’s no differences between us and everyone else. We love everyone including ourselves. There’s no differences between “my” family or not “my” family, “my” friend or not “my” friend, people whom I know or don’t know, people whom I like or don’t like, people whom I agree with or disagree with, people whom I think they are good or not good.

And we do not expect love, gratitude and appreciation in return. There is no anger, hatred, jealousy, disappointment, unhappiness in compassionate love. Just like the sun, the air, the water, the earth and the space are always there giving and providing all the necessary elements and energy for everything to be exist in the universe, without any desires, intention or judgment or comparison or expectation or likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement… They never ask anything in return…

They don’t get upset and angry or disappointed when the people polluting the earth, the water and the air. The space doesn’t mind when people start to think that they “possess” the space as their own private space. The wind doesn’t mind that the people harvest the wind and make money out of it… The sun doesn’t get upset when people condemn the sun is too hot or too much, causing them skin cancer or skin burn… The sun has no intention to benefit anyone to be exist, nor cause anyone discomfort or painful suffering… The sun has no expectation that anyone will be grateful and thankful for its contribution for everything to be exist in the universe… (If we don’t want to get skin burn or skin cancer, we take responsibility for ourselves, don’t stay under the sun for too long…)

They are always there providing and giving for everything to be exist in this universe… It doesn’t matter what are the reactions or judgments coming from the beings about the water is too much or too little, the air is too strong or too weak, the sun is too much or too little, the earth is too soft or too hard, the space is too big or too small…

Selfish passionate love comes with our selfish desires, intention, judgment, expectation, and possessiveness… Expect “my…” to be there for me, support me, love me, appreciate me, take care of me, to be grateful and thankful for “what I did for you and how much I love you…” and etc…

When our desires are not being gratified, when we don’t get what we want from “my…”, we get upset, angry, unhappy, disappointed…

Passionate love based on qualities, names and forms that I like and want. If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I like about you, then I feel love for you… If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I don’t like about you, I don’t feel love for you, I feel disgusting for you…

If you do things and say things that I like and agree with, I am happy and I love you… If you do things and say things that I don’t like and don’t agree with, I am angry and I hate you…

In selfish passionate love, we only love something that we like and agree with, but we cannot love something that we don’t like and disagree with…

Compassionate love is beyond all qualities, names and forms… No love, no hate… Beyond likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement… We don’t have to love or hate anything or anyone… We accept and respect everything and everyone as it is…

If we can love “our” family, “our” friends, “our” parents, “our” siblings, “our” girlfriend or boyfriend, out of compassion, there is no unhappiness, anger or disappointment… We don’t own them, and they have no obligation to love us or satisfy our desires or to make us happy… Even if someone we love doesn’t love us at all, it doesn’t matter… We won’t feel hurt from not getting the love that we want… If we are compassionate… We don’t need to get love from anyone, because we are love itself…

We have no desire for anyone to give us love… We don’t need to… There are unlimited or abundance of love in us already… And we can love anyone without expectation…

That’s why selfish possessive type of passionate love relationship ends up sour and bitter, full of anger, hatred, unhappiness and disappointment… It’s because our desires are not being fulfilled… We didn’t get what we want… The relationship didn’t turn out the way that we want… “My…” didn’t treat me or behave the way that I want them to treat me or behave…

You see, it’s all come from what “I” want and what “I” like… We make ourselves suffer and unhappy… It’s not the people that we love or people in the relationship with us that make us suffer and not happy…

Om shanti…