Loving kindness?

Many people who think and believe themselves are ‘unselfish kind and loving beings’ would react and feel disturbed or angered or hurt by other people’s behavior that they perceive or acknowledge as ‘selfish’, ‘unkind’, ‘unloving’, ‘disturbing’, ‘hurtful’, ‘bad’, or ‘wrong’, and they would express their ‘concern’ by expecting these ‘unkind and unloving beings’ would somehow be criticized or punished for being unkind and unloving, or be disciplined or trained to be (more) kind and loving.

But, ‘loving kindness’ is about how one’s mind behaves or reacts with ‘loving kindness’ towards other people’s behavior that one’s mind dislikes and disagrees with, that one’s mind perceives and acknowledges as ‘selfish’, ‘unkind’, ‘unloving’, ‘disturbing’, ‘hurtful’, ‘bad’, or ‘wrong’, without being disturbed or angered or hurt by other people’s behavior that one’s mind dislikes and disagrees with, without expectation towards how other people should and shouldn’t behave according to one’s particular thinking and belief, understanding that all forms of ‘unkind’ and ‘unloving’ behavior as well as one’s mind’s reaction of being disturbed, angered and hurt by other people’s ‘selfish’, ‘unkind’ and ‘unloving’ behavior and the expectation towards how other people should or shouldn’t behave according to one’s particular thinking and belief, are all deriving from ignorance.

Loving kindness is really not about “How human beings should behave in the way that is loving and kind” or “Other people whom one’s mind thinks and believes as unkind and unloving need to be (more) kind and loving” at all, but it’s about “This mind being kind and loving, where this mind understands towards ignorance and the consequences of ignorance, of egoistic actions and reactions, and how this mind reacts with loving kindness towards other people’s unloving and unkind actions and reactions under the influence of ignorance. Being undisturbed and unhurt by all the disagreeable/undesirable/unpleasant names and forms or experiences that the mind perceives through the senses. Without expectation towards other beings should or shouldn’t behave in certain way. Without expectation towards the world must be in certain way, or not to be in certain way.”

When the mind is disturbed, angered and hurt by other people’s unloving unkind actions and reactions, loving kindness is absent in this mind as well, then how could this mind criticize other minds for being unloving and unkind, and expect other minds to be loving and kind?

Non-attachment and dispassion is true loving kindness, but somehow this observation is being perceived and acknowledged by the world of egoistic minds as a form of ‘lack of loving kindness’, ‘unconcern’, ‘uncaring’, ‘selfish’ and ‘wrong’.

It’s everyone’s freedom for what they think and believe, for how they act and react. In yoga, it’s never about ‘how the others behave’, but it’s about ‘how this mind behaves’.

Contemplate on this, and be free.

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Self-righteousness is not yoga practice

Self-righteousness is part of the egoism acting in conjunction with worldly thinking and belief about what is right and wrong/good and bad, it’s not part of the yoga practice. In yoga practice, the mind disciplines itself to be free from the cause of suffering – Ignorance, egoism and impurities, to see the truth as it is, going beyond all kinds of thinking and belief about what is right and wrong/good and bad, being free from egoism of attachment, identification, craving and aversion, judgment, comparison and expectation. This is not the same as egoistic self-righteousness that is based on particular worldly thinking and belief about what is right and wrong/good and bad, to judge, criticize, discipline and punish oneself and/or others, or out of the sense of pride and superiority, one interferes with other minds/people, with intention to influence/control/change/discipline/punish other minds/people that one doesn’t like and doesn’t agree with.

Under the many different cultures, many people growing up being encouraged to develop self-righteousness to uphold what they believe as right and good. It’s regarded as a ‘good quality’ that someone should possess, to discipline oneself. It’s fine if people just stop at ‘disciplining’ oneself in accordance to one’s belief and practice about ‘what is right and wrong/good and bad’. But most people don’t just stop there, but they also want to self-appoint themselves as ‘morality guardian/hero’ to ‘discipline’ others whom they know or don’t know, whom are different from them, whom they dislike and disagree with, whom they think and believe are ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ in accordance to their own cultural/religious/social/political/personal thinking and belief or practice.

People are being encouraged to develop a strong self-identity/family identity/national identity/cultural identity/religious identity/political identity/social identity and have strong sense of pride towards their identity of that particular thinking and belief, values and practice, and then based on that particular thinking and belief, values and practice, people judge all and everything, and expect themselves and others in the society or the world to somehow comply to that particular thinking and belief, values and practice to think, to behave and to live life the way that they can agree with/accept.

People also like to talk about personal/family/social/national/global ‘development’ and ‘peace and happiness’, but mostly are being influenced by self-righteousness based on their particular cultural/religious/social/political/personal thinking and belief, values and practice about what are ‘good/right/positive/progressive development’ and ‘peace and happiness’ to them. It’s not so much about universal selfless development, peace and happiness for all kinds of diversity beyond all the different names and forms, unlimited by any particular cultural/religious/social/political/personal point of view, thinking and belief, values and practice.

If someone truly/sincerely wants to have peace in oneself and wish to contribute peace into the world that one is living in, the mind needs to be free from self-righteousness based on a particular values of life existence, way of life and conduct, thinking and belief about what is right and wrong/good and bad.

Though it’s not necessary, but most minds/people think and believe that as ‘an individual among the species of human beings’, they need to rely/attach onto a particular values, way of life and conduct, cultural/religious/social/political/personal thinking and belief to nurture/build a personal/worldly identity to be existing as who they are, and to think, to behave and to live life complying to that particular values, way of life and conduct, cultural/religious/social/political/personal thinking and belief.

Most minds/people don’t just keep their values of life existence, way of life and conduct, cultural/religious/social/political thinking and belief only to themselves, but they want to interfere with others who are different from them. Out of survival instinct and fear of extinction, people want to gather/invite more other people into their ‘group’ to form a ‘strong and powerful group’ by converting/recruiting many others to ‘join’ their group, to adopt and support their vision. People also have the tendency of self-righteousness to control/change/condemn/punish others for being different from themselves, which they dislike and disagree with, where they feel that their values, belief and practice are being threatened/intimidated by the other values, beliefs and practices.

  • The idea of ‘I’.
  • Attachment and identification onto certain qualities of names and forms to ‘support’ the existence of a self-identity of ‘I’.
  • Possessiveness and pride towards the self-identity and the possessions of ‘my life’, ‘my body’, ‘my mind’, ‘my thinking and belief’, ‘my culture’, ‘my religion’, ‘my God’, ‘my wealth and health’, ‘my success and happiness’, ‘my accreditation and reputation’, ‘my virtues and merits’, ‘my home’, ‘my family’, ‘my parents’, ‘my partner’, ‘my relationship’, ‘my children’, ‘my friends and relatives’, ‘my country’, ‘my world’, ‘my practice’, ‘my contribution’, ‘my teacher’, ‘my students’, and so on.
  • Desire of craving and aversion of “I want ‘I’ and all that is ‘mine’ to be like this and I don’t want ‘I’ and all that is ‘mine’ to be like that.”
  • Fear of losing the identity of ‘I’ and all that is ‘mine’ the way that ‘I’ like it to be.
  • Defensiveness/protection towards the identity of ‘I’ and all that is ‘mine’.

“This is my home/my country/my world. I want my home/my country/my world to be like this and not like that. I don’t like and don’t agree with all the others who are different from me, who’s vision is contradicting to my vision of the perfect home/country/world that I want to have. I want everyone to comply to my values of life existence, way of life and conduct, thinking and belief. If they don’t, I won’t be able to have my home/my country/my world exactly the way that I want it to be. And I don’t want that. I don’t want these people being here ‘polluting’ my beloved home/my good country/my beautiful world.”

Most minds are outgoing and desire to be engaged in community or worldly affair with very strong self-righteousness towards how the community or the world should be like, where they feel proud towards their thinking and belief and towards their identification with that thinking and belief as who they are, that they believe that they are being ‘assigned’ with the responsibility to ‘save’ the world (their world the way that they prefer) by ‘disciplining’ or ‘teaching’ others about what is right and wrong/good and bad based on their particular thinking and belief, to eliminate what they think and believe as ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ from the society or the world.

Yoga practice is turning the mind inward, focusing on eliminating ignorance and egoism in this mind, to go beyond all the ‘right and wrong’/’good and bad’/’positive and negative’, to free this mind from being limited by any thinking and belief, values and practice (including the teachings of yoga) judging all and everything including this body and this mind, or expecting oneself and/or others and the world to be in certain ways that the egoistic mind likes/agrees with/desires based on those thinking and belief, values and practice. It’s not about enhancing health and fitness, to look good and feel good, or to create a ‘good’ world with everyone behaving in the way that we think it should be. Though there’s nothing wrong with that aspiration, but all these qualities of names and forms are impermanent, and it’s not the goal of yoga practice.

The freedom of being free from being limited or determined by any thinking and belief or identification with qualities of names and forms is unthinkable/unperceivable for the minds that attached strongly onto the thinking and belief to be who they are.

It’s everyone’s freedom for what they want to do with their life, body and mind, and whether to practice yoga, or not.

Be free.

Misconception towards self-love or self-compassion

Self-love or self-compassion is related to being self-centered in yoga.

While self-centered is being referred as self-obsessiveness by certain worldly thinking and belief as pampering oneself with enjoyments and laziness and fulfilling all desires at any cost, even if it would cause harmful damages in oneself and others.

There’s nothing wrong if people want to be selfish and lazy, it’s everyone’s freedom for what they want to do with their life. It’s just that those who are selfish and lazy, but can’t help feeling guilty for being selfish and lazy, would feel better by justifying to themselves and others that they are practicing self-love or self-compassion.

In the teachings of yoga, being self-centered has nothing to do with self-obsessiveness/self-pampering/laziness. It’s about being centered in the truth of selflessness (the state that is void of selfishness or unselfishness), performing all duties and responsibilities without being influenced or determined by the action and the fruit of action, and being compassionate towards the suffering in one’s mind and others without being influenced, or disturbed, or determined by the suffering and the cause of suffering, which is ignorance and egoism, as well as all sort of impurities, thinking, belief, behavior, values and expectation that are under the influence of ignorance and egoism. It’s nothing to do with self-pampering with enjoyments and laziness and the fulfillment of all desires.

Self-compassion is being persevered and determined to free one’s mind from ignorance and the consequences of ignorance.

Being compassionate doesn’t mean that sacrificing oneself in pursue of helping others or making others to be happy. None can make another to be happy. When others are happy it’s because their desires of craving and aversion are being gratified by giving them what they like and want, and don’t give them what they don’t like and don’t want. It’s the ego thinking that ‘I’ am good and happy when ‘I’ can make others to be happy. It’s about doing one best performing action without forcing oneself beyond limitation and be able to let go without guilt or regret, if one couldn’t help as much as one would like to help. None can’t help those who enjoy being ignorant and swimming in the pool of suffering, who are reluctant to help themselves, but only complain about all sorts of dissatisfaction and expect sympathy and help from others to gratify all their desires of craving and aversion.

The thinking of “I am not good enough to help or make others to be happy, and thus, I am unable to be compassionate and I am unhappy because others are unhappy.” is due to the egoism of attachment, identification, judgment and expectation out of ignorance. It’s nothing to do with compassion.

Children grow up without a father or a mother or both parents

Of course, it would be good if the children grow up in an environment that they are being loved and supported by both ‘loving’ parents.

If due to unforeseen circumstances, one of the parents is not there to love and support the children as they grow up, it would be good if at least there is a ‘loving’ father or mother being there to love and support the children.

If due to unforeseen circumstances, both of the parents are not there to love and support the children as they grow up, it would be good if they can depend on some other people’s charity, love and support until they become independent.

If due to unforeseen circumstances, there’s nobody being there to love and support the children as they grow up, that they have to depend on themselves and nature, it would be good if the children know how to love themselves and be independent without self-pity, self-blame and bitterness, no matter how difficult and harsh it can be.

If due to unforeseen circumstances, the children grow up in an environment where one or both of the parents or the care taker, is ignorant, unloving, selfish and abusive, it would be better if the children grow up without the parents or any care takers. Growing up in an environment surrounded by and under the influence of ignorant people with ignorant behavior can be worst than being alone not be surrounded by ignorant people with ignorant influences. Children grow up under the care of one or both of the parents are not necessarily well brought up to have the correct understanding of life and be free from unhappiness and suffering, who won’t hurt themselves or other beings out of ignorance and egoism, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

If life appears to be challenging and difficult, most important is that one knows how to love oneself, and has peace and compassion. It’s not a suffering or unfortunate if one grows up being abandoned or unloved or unsupported or being abused, if one has self-awareness and self-realization, be free from ignorance and egoism. There’s no need of self-pity, self-blame, anger, hatred, envy, bitterness, defensiveness, offensiveness, fear or worry.

Being alone, by oneself, of solitude, is not something ‘bad’ or ‘difficult’ or ‘hardship’ or ‘suffering’. It’s indeed a great ‘fortune’ to immerse into the silence of solitude, of peace and compassion, being free from ignorance and egoism.

Many people are surrounded by some or many other people, of family and friends, but they are not necessarily peaceful and be free from suffering.

Be free.

The relationship between the parents and the children

This article is about the relationship between the parents and the children in ‘conventional’ family affairs/relationships. It’s not about sensitive cases involve ‘unconventional’ single parenting out of sexual abuse and rape.

Before two people in a love relationship want to create/bring in new lives/beings/children to form a family, they need to know what is love. Real love. Unconditional love. If not, it is the main factor why there are conflicts/unhappiness/affliction exist in many families which create broken children growing up into broken relationships/family of their own.

When the parents create/bring a new life/being into the world, they never, and couldn’t ask the permission/consent of this being for creating this life and bringing this being into the world, as this life/being didn’t exist until the parents had created this life/being whether through sexual intercourse or higher technology, whether intentionally or unintentionally, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Children are being born without their own free will or consent, but unwittingly out of the parents’ desire to have children, or out of both or one of the parents’ act of lust even though they have no desire to have any children. And yet, many parents think and believe that these beings/children belong to them, where they think that they have the authority on the children about how they want to treat and bring up the children and whether they will love and care for them, or not. The parents also think that children are born with the obligation, duty and responsibility towards their parents and all the other family members.

There are many parents don’t have any intention to have children, but the child is conceived accidentally out of their act of lust, and these children are ‘unwelcome’ in their life/relationship. Maybe some parents might change their minds to ‘welcome’ the child into their life/relationships, and will love and care for the child, but some parents might ‘perceive’ the child as a ‘burden’ to their life/relationship, and they don’t love or care for the child. Some even abandon the child to their relatives, or children homes, or on the streets. Maybe the abandon child will get love and care from some other people, maybe not. Meanwhile, some didn’t abandon the ‘unwelcome’ child, but they don’t love the child at all and this generates great damages to the child’s overall well-being. The parents don’t see that it’s their own responsibility for conceiving the child out of their act of lust whether wittingly or unwittingly, and yet, they blame the existence of the child for ‘giving’ them ‘problems’.

Most parents who intentionally and wittingly to create lives/children to form a family think and believe that it is because of love. Two people love each other and want to create children/family that ‘belong’ to both of them, that they share together. Some parents create/bring in children to build a stronger connection/relationship/bond between the two of them, or as fuel to keep their relationship alive. This is a complete selfish desire to have children, but people don’t see it as selfishness. Children are being born because the parents want to gratified their desire to have children to form a family to be the connection/bonding medium for their relationship.

Some parents do ‘love’ their children unconditionally, but some might not realize that their desire to have children is selfishness, and their ‘love’ towards their children is conditional/possessive love that comes with great expectation/condition. Some don’t even have the love, patience, effort and time to ‘nurture’ and ‘look after’ a child, but just because they have the basic instinct/desire to be a mother or a father, and so, they produce children.

Many parents don’t realize that there are hidden selfish intentions/conditions in bringing/creating new lives into their relationship/family. Many parents expect something in return by creating/bringing in children onto their life/relationship. They think that by having children it will ‘bring’ joy and happiness into their life. They think that by having children it will give them meaningfulness in life or take away their loneliness/boredom. They think that by having children it will ‘keep’ their marriage/relationship to stay alive and connected. They think that by having children, they will grow up to bring back money to support their life. They think that by having children, the children will look after them when they are old or sick. They think that by having children, they will be loved. They think that by having children, it will make their life or relationship complete. They think that by having children, it will make them become a real man and a complete woman.

There are many people get married merely to form a family life and reproduce, which they think it’s a ‘solution’ or ‘investment’ for them to deal with unhappy relationship/marriage, loneliness, emptiness, old age and sickness.

Many parents have expectation towards their children that the children have to love and care for the parents in return for the love and care that the parents have been giving to their children. They expect/think that all children ‘are obliged to’ or ‘should naturally’ show love and care to their parents as it is the duty and responsibility of the children towards their parents. The children should appreciate and be grateful and thankful to their parents for bringing them into the world, feed them and nurture them, and so, all children should show gratitude by giving their love and care to their parents in return. This is conditional love / selfish love / possessive love. And when they think their children don’t love and care for them, or don’t love and care for them enough, they feel disappointed and hurt. They are disappointed and hurt by their own expectation towards the idea of having children. They don’t love their children. They love what they think they can get from having children.

Either they feel sad about their children unloving behavior, or they feel bad and sorry for themselves for being unloved by their own children, or they feel disappointed, hurt and angry with their children for not loving them or care for them after they have been showing lots of love and care to bring their children up, or after they have invested so much ‘time’, ‘effort’, ‘money’ and ‘love’ for the children’s upbringing, welfare and education.

It’s common and natural that the parents would feel disappointed or hurt or angry if their children don’t love them or don’t love them enough, but then know that this is because these parents don’t really love their children, but they only love what they think they should be receiving from having a family life by having children. And thus, when they don’t get what they think they should be getting from creating/having a family, they react in such way.

If the parents truly love their children, they will love their children as they are and won’t be disappointed or upset or feel hurt, even if the children are not good to their parents or don’t love their parents, or don’t behave the way that what people think all ‘good’ children should behave, or if they think their children didn’t carry out the duty and responsibility of being the children of their parents. People feel disappointed, hurt and upset in children/family affairs is because they think they love their children/family but they don’t really know what is love or how to love. This is absolutely nothing to do with how the children treat their parents, or whether the children are being good and loving to their parents, or not.

It’s normal for the parents to show love and care for their children, but many don’t realize that they have great expectation towards their children to be the type of people that they would like them to be, that the children are obliged to listen to and follow all their commands/wishes, and they must show love and care in return for the parents’ love and care for them.

When the parents want to be recognized as ‘good parents’, ‘good father’ and ‘good mother’, they put so much pressure onto the children to make sure they grow up to be ‘successful’ people that will make their parents, friends and relatives feel proud of. The parents feel proud of themselves to be able to produce and bring up children that appear to be ‘somebody’ that they feel proud of. Or else, they are frustrated/disappointed with themselves and their children as they couldn’t produce and bring up children to be ‘somebody’ that would make them feel proud of. Meanwhile, the children grow up becoming people who keep looking for acknowledgement from other people, to make people feel proud of them, to feel “I am good enough” in order to feel confident, meaningful, and being loved. Or else, they feel disappointed/depressed about themselves for unable to be ‘good enough’ to make their parents or other people to feel proud of. And this affects their relationship with everyone else. These are the ‘values’ that were passing down from generations to generations of what a family means and what to expect from creating a family.

If the children are born out of real love, where the parents have the unconditional love and knowledge of life to give to another life/being unconditionally, then the parents wouldn’t think/expect that their children are born with the duty and responsibility as children towards their parents and all the other family members, that the children are obliged to love and look after their parents and all the other members in the family. The parents will just do their best to nurture the children, teach them to love and look after themselves, until the children are independent, they’ll let them go and allow the children to evolve to be what they are. As well as the children shouldn’t be taught or feel that it’s a duty and responsibility for being the children of their parents and being one of the family members, that they are obliged to give something back in return and to love and look after their parents and the rest of the family members. But, out of everyone’s own free will, out of unconditional love, out of compassion, everyone do their best to be kind to oneself and each other, to love and look after oneself and one another without expecting anything in return. There’s no disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness or unhappiness. Everyone loves and accepts one another as they are.

It’s not because it’s an obligation, duty and responsibility, that’s why the children ‘have to’ love and look after the parents and the other family members. It’s not because of gratitude towards the parents’ love and care for them, that’s why the children ‘have to’ love and care for the parents in return. It’s even without obligation, duty or responsibility, a being can show love and care for other beings. It’s even other beings don’t show love and care for a being, this being can still be loving and kind towards other beings.

May all families have peace and harmony, being free from suffering/affliction/unhappiness that derived from ignorance and egoism of attachment, identification, desires and expectation.

Know our minds…

The mind never showed interest in something that was always there until the moment it sees, or found some other forms of qualities that it likes, or admires, or attracted to, which directly or indirectly exist along with that particular thing, it starts to show great interest in that thing.

Just like in any kinds of relationships among people, including friendships. We never showed interest in some people whom we know for a long time, until the moment we start to see, or found some other forms of qualities that we like and interested in, which directly or indirectly exist along with these people, and then we start to show interest in these people.

This indicates that we don’t really like nor interested in these people as they are, nor interested in these people for being who they were in the past, or who they are in the present moment, but we only like and interested in some qualities that we like and which drawn our mind’s interest.

Look within, and rest in our very own nature of unconditional love and peace. Love all beings as they are, be free from craving, longing, attachment, possessiveness, projection and expectation. We will never feel disappointed and hurt, or be disappointed and hurt by anyone or anything, when we start to understand how the mind works.

Only those minds that are free from ignorance and egoism know how to love others and be loved by others as it is unconditionally, in any relationships. All the others are just loving themselves for what they like and want, selfishly…

Be happy.

Love vs possessiveness

When we tell somebody, “I love you…”
Do we really love this person? Or we love the qualities in this person that we like and agree with? Or we love what we like and want from this person?

And when we tell this person whom we love, “I want to be in a relationship with you…”
Do we really just want to be with this person? Or we want to possess this person to be ‘mine’? Or we love what we like and want from being in a relationship with this person?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Out of ‘love’ towards a person or an object, naturally we (the ego) will have the desire to ‘own’ this person or this object to be ‘mine’.

Out of this ‘love’ or more accurately, possessiveness, we will have fear of losing this person or this object.

When somebody or something comes in between this person or this object and ‘I’, ‘I’ will be very unhappy and angry.

For example, if we are in a relationship with somebody, and one day our partner fell in love with another person. He or she desires to be with the other person and doesn’t want to continue to be in the relationship with us anymore. Or there’s no third party, but just simply because our partner stops having passionate love feelings for us.

Our mind is being conditioned to react in certain ways. We (the ego) might feel hurt, disappointed and sad, and we might do something ignorant that will hurt ourselves and some other people. Or we will feel very hurt, disappointed and angry, and have anger and hatred towards our partner for stopped loving us or being ‘unfaithful’ to us, and be angry and jealous towards the other person who has ‘taken away’ the person whom ‘I’ love very much, and we might say or do something that will hurt ourselves, and hurt our partner and the other person.

As our mind is being conditioned to think how a relationship should be like. We expect the person in the relationship with us should be faithful and loyal to us, or there should be some sorts of commitment between the two of us, and we should be faithful and loyal to each other.

Our mind also being conditioned to think that if we don’t ‘love’ our partner so much, we won’t be feeling so unhappy, if our partner wants to be with another person. And because we ‘love’ our partner so much, that’s why we feel so hurt. People like to say, the stronger the love is, the deeper the hatred will be. But this doesn’t seem right. Why?

If we truly love our partner, we love him or her unconditionally, without expecting him or her to love us in return, or love us the way that we want them to love us. We will only wish him or her happiness. Even if he or she chooses to be with another person and not us. We will let go of him or her in peace, as he or she feels that to be with the other person is more happy than to be with us. We wish him or her peace and happiness for being with the person that he or she loves, if we truly love him or her unconditionally.

There won’t be any disappointment, anger, hurt or jealousy if we truly love somebody unconditionally. As if we are over-powered by anger and jealousy, we might say or do something that will hurt our partner and the person whom he or she loves. Then how can we say we ‘love’ our partner, if we will do or say something that will hurt him or her, and the person whom he or she loves so much? It clearly indicates that we don’t really love our partner, but we only want to possess him or her to be ‘mine’. And if somebody is going to take away something that belongs to ‘I’, ‘I’ will be angry and unhappy.

Out of attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person in the relationship with us, we feel the need to ‘protect’ this relationship, we will have fear and worry of losing this person and the relationship that we have. We might do something that will hurt ourselves, or the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much, and those whom he or she loves so much, when things don’t happen the way that we would like them to be.

This type of ‘love’ is purely egoistic selfish passionate possessiveness and attachment, with selfish desires and expectations. This type of selfish love only bring unhappiness in ourselves and in the person whom we think we ‘love’ so much. We are being not free to love somebody, full of doubts, jealousy, fear and worry all the time, and the person whom we ‘love’ also is not free being ‘loved’ or ‘possessed’ by us.

Only unconditional love without expectation will promote peace, happiness and freedom in ourselves and in the person whom we love.

If we need to change ourselves to be ‘somebody else’ whom we are not, or do something to please someone in order to have him or her to love us in return, then this also doesn’t bring peace and happiness. As he or she doesn’t really love us the way as we are, but will only ‘loves’ us when we behave the way that he or she likes and agrees with. Or else he or she doesn’t want to ‘love’ us anymore.

We need to allow the other person to be free to be who he or she is, without expecting he or she to be the way that we would like him or her to be.

And thus even though the qualities in us change all the time, our physical appearance, condition and abilities, our personality, feelings and behaviors, our likes and dislikes also will be changing from time to time, but we will love each other as we are, accepting all our changes as they are. We just love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

If somebody doesn’t love us, or doesn’t love us anymore, it is not because we are not good enough. We shouldn’t blame ourselves when relationship didn’t turn out ‘nicely’ as how we like it to be.

This is our yoga practice. It is in our relationships with everyone, to love without attachment, conditions or expectation. There’s no dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, frustration, fear, worry, and feelings of hurt, which derived from attachment and possessiveness.

The point is, in a true relationship, without expectation towards each other, out of each other’s own free will, they will be faithful and committed to each other, and won’t do anything that will hurt one another. It is not about one or both of them expect the other person should be faithful or expect the other person to give them what they want (For example, some people expect a faithful partner and a happy ‘perfect’ relationship that last forever). We will experience bitterness or unhappiness in any relationships is because the relationships didn’t turn out the way that we expect it to be, or the way that we think it supposed to be. We are let down, or disappointed by our own expectations. It is not because the person whom we love didn’t love us, or is not good enough.

We (the ego) are angry, disappointed and unhappy is because we didn’t get the things that we want, or things didn’t happen the way that we like it to be, or we have lost the things that we think they belong to us. It is not because our partner is not faithful to us, or doesn’t love us anymore.

For example, it is not necessarily that we will be satisfied and happy when somebody gives us something. The act of giving or receiving is not what make us feel happy and satisfied if we have strong ego and attachment. We only will feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that ‘we like’, from anybody, or when we receive anything from the people whom we ‘like’ to be receiving from. Sometimes we won’t feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that we ‘don’t like’, even if it is coming from the people whom we think we ‘love’. Or we won’t feel happy or satisfied even when we receive something that we ‘like’, but it is not coming from the people whom we want to be receiving from. If somebody whom we dislike gives us something that we like, we won’t feel the same as when it is given by someone whom we love very much. This indicates that we will only be happy and satisfied when we get what we want and the way that we want, it’s not because the person who loves us gives us something, and it’s not because the things that are given to us are something that we like. It is about the right person gives us the right thing the way that we want.

Can we see how selfish we are? We only ‘love’ the things that we like and want. We are happy and satisfied only when things happen the way that we like it to be. We don’t really ‘love’ the people whom we think we ‘love’ very much, if we have strong attachment and possessiveness, and have selfish desires and expectations from the people whom we think we ‘love’. And so, we stop blaming our partner for being ‘unfaithful’ or ‘not good enough’, or didn’t give us what we think he or she should give to us, or didn’t treat us the way that we want him or her to treat us, or didn’t give us the type of relationship that we want.

No one is obligated to be nice to another person. If we expect everyone should be nice to one another, especially when ourselves is nice to other people, and we expect other people should be grateful and thankful, and they should also be nice to us in return, we will be very disappointed, if they don’t. But if anyone will be nice to us out of loving kindness from their own free will, not because we have been nice to them, then we appreciate this loving kindness without attachment, without clinging onto this kindness, or craving for more. Without aversion or fear that this loving kindness is no longer available. As true loving kindness is not about something ‘in exchange’ for something. It’s not about give and take.

Be grateful for other people being nice to us out of loving kindness, not because they are obligated to be nice to us, because we have been nice to them. Give without expecting anything in return, although something might come back to us naturally, but not necessarily the way that we expect it to be. Give out of love, not because we are obligated to give back something in return after we receive something. Be nice without expecting any kind of nice reactions in return. Be nice out of love, not because we are obligated to be nice in return for other people being nice to us.

It doesn’t matter there’s nobody shows gratitude or appreciation for what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t like or are dissatisfied with what we give. It doesn’t matter if other people criticize or condemn us after we give. We are not determined by praise and condemn, compliment and criticism, success and failure, if we know what is non-attachment towards our actions, and renounce the fruit of actions.

May all be free to love, and be loved.

Om shanti

Compassion? (2)

If we have strong anger and hatred, or discrimination, or aversion towards the things and people that we don’t like and don’t agree with, we will feel very annoyed and irritated to hear this word ‘compassion’.

It is a normal reaction of the ego. As compassion is the ‘opposite’ of egoism.

When we realize compassion, the ego will be disappearing. It’s the same, when the ego is eliminated, we will realize compassion.

Egolessness or selflessness is compassion. As long as the ego is not eliminated, compassion cannot be seen. Even though we want to be compassionate, or think that we are being compassionate, but compassion is not possible when our ego is very strong and being over-powered by impurities like anger, hatred, discrimination, pride, arrogance, dissatisfaction, disappointment, craving, aversion, fear and etc.

If we are compassionate, we won’t feel that there is any separation between performing actions for ourselves and performing actions for other beings.

We won’t feel that we need to have time for ourselves or to do things for ourselves.

As when we realize compassion and non-separateness, whatever we do for ourselves is also benefiting other beings. And whatever we do for other beings is also benefiting ourselves. There’s no difference at all.

Just like when I am doing my own yoga and meditation practice, it is for the benefits of other beings as well. I take care of my own well-being, and have peace and love. Then I can share this peace and love with other beings, and can make use of the good condition of the physical body and the pure state of the mind to help other beings.

And when I am not doing my own practice, but I am busy with sharing yoga with other beings, doing things that seemed like is for other beings, I am benefiting myself not any less than performing my own practice.

But the point is, we are not looking for any benefits or any rewards in return at all, whether we are performing actions for ourselves or for other beings.

Out of compassion, all our actions are being transformed into selfless service whether it is selfless service towards ourselves or other beings. There’s no separation.

There’s no calculation about how much love I have given to someone, and how many things I have done for somebody, and I expect how much love, or things, or appreciation, or gratefulness in return. Or else I’ll get very disappointed and unhappy.

And so, ask ourselves “Are we really compassionate as what we think we are?” when we complain about ourselves or other people for being working too much, and have no time for ourselves, to do things for ourselves. Or when we feel disappointed and unhappy when we think nobody is appreciating, nor acknowledging, nor be grateful and thankful for what we have done for others, whether it’s for our family, or for our friends, or for our work, or for doing community volunteering work.

Compassion is not just about being kind and loving, or be nice to other beings, but it is unconditional love to be able to accept everyone as they are, and to be able to give without attachment, without discrimination, without expectation, without disappointment and unhappiness.

There’s no difference between doing action for ourselves, or for our family, or for our work that we will get some living income in return, or for charity volunteering work that we don’t get anything in return. We do everything out of compassion towards all beings, including ourselves, is also one of the beings that we need to be compassionate at.

There will be something in return, even when we don’t have intention nor expectation towards the fruit of action. But we are not determined by the fruit of action. Sometimes the fruit of action is not necessarily pleasant, it’s not something that we like or agree with, but it really doesn’t matter if we know what is perform all actions out of compassion. As there’s no selfish desires, nor selfish intention, nor selfish expectation. And so, there’s no disappointment nor unhappiness.

Perform yoga and meditation practice, have self-control, and letting go of selfishness, pride, arrogance, ill-wills, petty-mindedness, prejudice, discrimination, anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, craving, aversion, fear and worry, is being compassionate towards ourselves and other beings.

Remove egoism and ignorance is being compassionate.

Realize love and peace in ourselves is being compassionate.

Om shanti.

Go beyond selfishness, replace performing actions “to achieve what I want to do” with “to benefit all beings”…

Some say that they need “passionate” desires or reasons to motivate them to do their best to be successful in what they want to achieve, or to give them the strength to do what they want to do for themselves or for other people…

When we go beyond the egoism or selfishness, then the strength that motivate us, or the “reason” for us to perform all actions is compassion.

Out of compassion towards all beings (including ourselves is also one of the beings), we perform all our actions whether it is for ourselves or for other beings. Even if the actions seem like is being performed for ourselves, it doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with other beings, but when we know how to take good care of ourselves, when we have peace and love in us, our entire existence will be benefiting all other beings naturally… We will be generating vibrations of peace and love into the environment, and there will be less a being generates negativities into the world, even if we don’t have any intentions or desires to benefit anyone…

There is no “I” am benefiting the world, or “I” want to benefit the world, or “I” want the world to be benefited by “my” actions…

We don’t need “passionate” motivations to motivate us to do good for others, but out of compassion, to benefit all beings (including ourselves is also one of the beings), we perform all actions without selfish desires, or selfish intentions, or selfish expectations…

It is not because “I” want to do good. It is not because “I” want to feel good. It is not because “I” want other beings to be helped and be happy. It is not because “I” want to be the strong one to be able to help other beings who are weaker than me. It is not because “I” like to help other beings. It is not because “I” want the world to be a better place… and so on.

Replace all these “I” and “I want” with “for the benefits and convenience for all beings (including ourselves)”… There’s no difference between other beings and “I”. This being (“I”) is also one of the beings that need to be compassionate at…

There is no need to have “I” being there to be motivated by certain reasons, or any desires, or any intentions, or any expectations to perform all these actions… All these actions are merely “to serve the universe, to serve all beings”… Without the “I” identify as the doer of actions and the receiver of the fruit of actions…

There is no attachment towards the actions and the result of the actions.

There is no difference between success and failure, praise and condemn, compliments or criticisms, appreciation and inappreciation…

Om shanti.

Want to help the world to be a better place? It starts with our own self…

We notice that there are many of us are very unhappy or depressed with the current situation in the world. We care for the world and want to help or make the world to become a better place for all beings to live in. We know that if the world is not in peace, there will be no peace in our own personal life as well. If the country is having problems, there is no peaceful condition for us to enjoy a good quality of life. If the world is having problems, it is difficult for us to be able to live in peace in anywhere of the world.We want to have good and healthy living environment. We want peace and harmony among all beings disregard different nations, religions, believes and races. We want good, wise and selfless leaders to lead the world. We want all beings to respect and love and be kind to each other without anger, hatred, jealousy, violence and killings.

We also know that there are some people that don’t want the world to be in peace… Out of selfish intentions, they create disharmony and fear into the world. Some people just being very selfish not caring for the environment and damaging the environment consciously or unconsciously. Most of us might get very angry and frustrated with this. There’s nothing wrong to feel angry about this. But anger and hatred cannot stop this from happening. We should feel compassionate towards these people because they are being influenced or blinded by ignorance. They don’t have love, peace, compassion and wisdom in them. That’s why they are doing actions that are hurting other people and themselves.

Being upset, angry and hatred towards the bad situations that derive from wrong doings in the world now will not help the world to improve or to become better.

Anger and hatred cannot solve problems. They cannot remove negativity, anger and hatred that are existing in the world.

The only things that can stop ignorance, anger, hatred and violence, is compassion and wisdom. Only compassion and wisdom can help the world to change and evolve, to be peaceful.

This compassion and wisdom have to start with our own self. We need to realize compassion and wisdom in us. Then only we can spread compassion and wisdom to other beings, and share love and peace into the world.

If we ourselves are not compassionate, lack of wisdom, and are full of anger and hatred being disturbed by the “bad” happenings and “bad” people in the world, then how can we share love and peace with others and help the world to become a peaceful harmonious place, as we ourselves are not in peace?

If we don’t know how to take care ourselves and don’t know how to deal with our own mental and emotional tensions, then how can we take care of other beings or help others to be free from the mental and emotional tensions that contribute to the “bad” happenings in the world?

If we are full of negativity, how are we going to bring positivity and positive changes into the world?

Start with our own evolution. Love ourselves, be kind and compassionate towards our own self.

When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we won’t let ourselves to be over-powered by the impurities in our mind and be free from the influence of the selfish ego. All our actions are out of compassion and selflessness. Without intention to change the world, without expectation that the world will be changed, without discrimination of good or bad beings, wise or ignorant beings, we perform all actions that can be done to help the world to evolve. There is no anger and hatred. There is no disappointment and discontentment. There is no frustration and unhappiness.

Like the sun, the air, the water, the earth and the space. They give, provide and support all living beings and non-living beings to be exist in the universe. They perform their action of giving, providing and supporting unceasingly, selflessly, out of compassion, unlimitedly, unconditionally, without discrimination, without intention to give, they are giving all the time… Without expectation to benefit anyone or to receive anything in return, they just give, provide and support. It doesn’t matter if human beings are polluting the world, damaging the nature, and condemning the sun, the wind, the water and the earth for being too much or too little, they still continuously to give without anger, hatred and disappointment.

That is real compassion. Complete selfless. That is our true nature. Our true nature is selfless like the sun, the air, the water, the earth and the space, but we are being disconnected with this selflessness due to the veil of ignorance and the selfish ego. We become selfish and being influenced by all the impurities in the mind for us to act and react through thoughts, actions and speech.

All our actions are being influenced by the likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement, craving and aversion that comes from the selfish and self-protective ego. And all these impure actions bring some consequences that are not necessary beneficial to anyone or as what we expected it to be.

In our true nature, there’s only selflessness and compassion, being free from the conditioned thinking mind, the limited intellect, the selfish ego, and be free from desires and ignorance. If all beings realize this true nature, being compassionate and wise, the world will be free from unnecessary and meaningless harmful wrong doings that come from human beings that are not happy, not peaceful and not satisfied due to ignorance and the wrong identification with the ego in the absence of love, peace, compassion and wisdom.

If we have love, peace, compassion and wisdom in us, we will know how to be happy and be at peace, will not be disturbed nor affected by the world, but at the same time we are aware of what is happening in the world. We know what is right, what is wrong but we are not being affected by neither of them. Out of compassion without selfish intention and expectation, we can perform many actions that need to be done and that can be done, to help other beings to realize the wisdom and compassion in them. But before that can happen, we ourselves need to be compassionate and wise. We ourselves must have love and are in peace. Then only we can share this compassion, wisdom, love and peace with other beings, and guide them to realize their true nature is love, peace, compassion and wisdom.

Only when we realize the wisdom and compassion in us, and start to reflect on our own thoughts, actions and speech, then we will have the awareness of what is right and what is wrong, what we should do and shouldn’t do. This justification of right and wrong, should do and shouldn’t do is coming from the wisdom within the true Self, and it is not coming from the limited and conditioned intellectual mind under the influence of the selfish ego, which is influenced by what the mind likes and doesn’t like, or what the mind thinks is good or not good, or what the mind agrees or disagrees with.

Knowledge that we studied from books or heard from somebody who told us or taught us since we were born until now, it’s not necessary absolutely true and correct. We were being manipulated or brain washed by so many informations that come from many impure sources.

Knowledge that will remove ignorance, anger, hatred, doubts, arrogance, jealousy, selfishness, discrimination, disharmony, violence, depression, greed, ill-will, fear and worry are true knowledge. Knowledge that will promote all these impurities are incorrect knowledge.

Knowledge and actions that are based on self-control (not being controlled or influenced by any influences that are other than ourselves and not trying to control others to be the way that we want them to be or what we think they should be), compassion (unconditional loving kindness) and selflessness (unselfish; not influenced by the ego) are pure knowledge and pure actions that cannot be judged by impure minds which are being conditioned or influenced by qualities of names and forms, selfish intention and expectation.

Some good people who love the world very much, “passionately” want to change the world, who “actively” want to help the world to become a better place, criticize those who focus on performing Sadhana spending their time meditating at a corner of the world, criticize them for sitting there doing nothing, didn’t go out to do something about the world’s problems, didn’t contribute anything to help to change the world…

The point is, when these meditator sitting there “doing nothing” is already contributing to the world as there is less a being generating negativity or harmful actions and vibrations into the world… The people who love the world “passionately” should be thankful for that.

While these meditator who seem like doing nothing, they are indeed generous contributors towards world peace, as they illuminate positive vibrations and energy of love and peace into the world…

If we don’t like what is happening in the world, and want to perform actions trying to change the situation or the condition of the world, this is very good. We should keep it up and do our best to help the world to improve, to be a better place…

But if at the same time, we are being proud and arrogant about ourselves being “good human being” or “responsible citizen of the world”, and start criticizing those who we “believe” and “think” that they don’t do anything to help the world, or they don’t contribute to a better world, and judging them as not “good human beings” or not “responsible citizen of the world”, such like “those who meditate sitting there doing nothing”, then we are not really helping the world, as we generate so much negative vibrations and energy into the world, just by being so proud and arrogant about ourselves and our “actions” that “want to change the world to be a better place”…

If we can perform all our “loving kindness” actions to help the world to be a better place without being proud and arrogant about ourselves, without criticizing those who “seem like” or “look like” they don’t contribute anything, without expecting other people will also be like us, to do what we do according to what we believe is right and good, and not doing what we don’t do according to what we believe is wrong and bad, then this is Yoga. This is selflessness and compassion…

Without peace, selflessness, compassion and wisdom in ourselves, even though we perform lots of actions try to help the world to become a better place, it doesn’t necessary means that we didn’t cause any destructions or didn’t generate negative vibrations or energy into the world…

If we want to help the world, please help ourselves first. Rise above ignorance, anger, hatred, selfishness, expectation, craving and aversion. Without being affected by what is happening in the world, out of compassion, selflessly we give and share love, peace, compassion and wisdom to every beings without fear and worry, without frustration and expectation, without attachment to our actions and the fruit of actions.

Be peaceful.

Be happy.